“Today, it’s reported that at least 90 percent of kids between the ages of 8 and 16 have watched pornography online at least once. Not only have most tweens and teens seen porn, but boys ages 12 to 17 are actually the largest consumers of online pornography. With this statistic, pornography has even been compared to being the drug of choice for youth” (source).
The statistics on kids viewing pornography on the internet completely took me by surprise. My husband and I had every inclination to discuss this topic with our own son at a time we felt it might be relevant. We had no idea that discussion would need to happen by age 8. We’re one year too late according to this statistic.
Although we monitor what our children see via screens, we realize that there are far too many opportunities for our kids to come into contact with unacceptable images and content even when “googling” something as innocent as “how to take care of baby chicks.”
I’m not an extremist but I now believe that the internet is simply not for kids.
I have been more nervous about my kids walking across the street from our house to play in the empty field than I have been in giving them permission to browse my laptop for a family-friendly Netflix movie. It was my son who revealed to me that one of his recurring nightmares when he closes his eyes at bedtime is the image of an American Horror Story Netflix series box cover listed as one of the choices in the browse option. I felt awful. I felt like I had allowed my child to enter into an R-Rated room without me…and I did, virtually.
In Simplicity Parenting, Kim John Payne explains that parents have become more vigilant about keeping our children physically safe than emotionally safe. When I read that statement last month while preparing to facilitate my Monthly Simplicity Parenting Gathering on the topic of “Filtering the Adult World,” I felt sick. I felt sick because it is accurate, even for myself.
This morning my husband shared with me that he explained to our son that the internet isn’t kind to women. Our family rule is that we do not want him to use a computer when he is with his friends and that we restrict the use of the computer at home. Because it is not our intention for our son to ever think the naked body is shameful or that he will never be curious about it, my husband encouraged our son to always know that we want him to know he can come to us with questions about sex or about our bodies. He assured him that these questions and this curiosity is perfectly normal and part of growing up and that we are here to help him and provide him with truthful answers that make sense based on what makes sense for his age.
So, in essence, without using the word, my husband began a conversation with his 9 year old son this morning about protecting himself from porn. It isn’t a talk that a 9 year old should have to hear. My little boy loves to draw, crochet, jump on the trampoline, read Roald Dahl books, snuggle with me on the couch, and sculpt things out of beeswax. Why are we telling him to protect his mind from porn? Unfortunately we have to tell him because we live in a world that has accepted porn as a part of growing up – some kind of “rite of passage” into the world of sexuality, specifically for boys.
Essentially, my husband and I are rejecting this rite of passage for our child. We want him to know how to protect himself before he is tainted with images that will never leave him, before his adolescent body, without his intellectual consent, responds physically to an image that mixes sexual acts with acts of violence against women.
Rashida Jones, the co-producer of Hot Girls Wanted, a documentary about the world of legal amateur porn, states,
“[There is a] difference between sexuality and sexualization.”
And that difference is what should separate what we see on screen from our actual sex lives. Owning one’s sexuality can be empowering and pleasurable. But being sexualized the way porn stars so often are means the power is in someone else’s hands. (source)
My friend’s 20-something son spoke last weekend at the Soul Cafe in Efland, NC about his own journey growing up and choosing to avoid and refuse to engage with porn on any level. As a young adolescent his friends teased him and declared that he must be gay. He shared with us, an audience predominantly comprised of mothers, that there is a “sleeping monster” of sexual urges that emerges during puberty in our boys (and girls – although differently) that is relentless. For him, he embraced this part of himself without shame and strives to rise above these earthly sexual urges, negotiating with this part of himself regularly. Our sexuality is a beautiful part of who we are. It has a place and a context. For this young man, he simply is choosing not to be a plaything for the porn industry.
The sad truth is that all of us are losing so much due to the accepted practice of viewing porn. Women are losing for obvious reasons. But men are losing too. They are losing realistic expectations of their sexual partners; they are losing their marriages to their porn addictions; they are losing childhood innocence as they are seeing too much too soon; they are losing their ability to explore their own sexuality without it being tainted by images of sexual violence; they are losing to feelings of shame as their young bodies respond to images of rape or worse, believing they must be sexually depraved; they are losing the ability to see women as equals; and some men have even lost a portion of their lives to prison for downloading illegal pornography.
It is imperative that I share this ugly truth with you so that you have the information to reflect on and make your own parenting decisions when it comes to the internet, porn, and our kids’ access. I am specifically speaking about the impact on our boys because the number of men who have shared that their first sexual experiences of seeing porn in their father’s stack of magazines under the bed, or finding a porn video hidden in a drawer are too many to count.
Unfortunately, porn is no longer under the bed or in a drawer “hidden” – it’s on your child’s iPad, or Smart Phone, or laptop and is accessible at any time. We can be neither naive nor ambivalent about this topic. It’s time to think differently and ensure our child’s emotional well-being is well guarded just as much, indeed more, than our child’s physical safety.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Share in the comments below and we can continue this important dialogue.
Excellent article. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ll be posting this widely.
Raelee, I sent ‘Our Sons and Porn’ to my niece, Alison. She is a FANTASTIC mother who has a five year old son who started school this year and loves it, a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a degree in elementary education. I cut and pasted her comment here from Facebook because I wanted you to ‘meet’ her.
“I’ve heard these statistics and I GUESS it doesn’t surprise me. But I know little kids who have TVs in their room and cell phone access whenever. Of course they can see inappropriate content. We’ve already had a lot of these discussions. Neither kid will be allowed to have a TV in their room. Ever. That’s just going to be a house-rule. I don’t see us getting the kids cell phones unless it just becomes a necessity. Casey and I were a part of the generation that didn’t have cell phones until we went to college, so we don’t care if we delay them having cell phones. They can use a friend’s until they can drive—then we probably WILL let them have a phone for safety reasons. But yeah…I wonder often when I need to start having these talks. I know a lot of people are of the “just don’t do/look at it” mindset, but I am a total educator. I am like, “If you look at this”, this is what could happen. And it ranges from just skewing their idea of women and sexuality to downloading some sort of virus on whatever device they are using and having to have their dad fix it….and Casey will be able to see what they’ve been looking at. LOL But seriously…kids know MUCH more than what their parents think they do. And it’s not really pornography that bothers me about the internet. It’s cyber-bullying and kids passing pictures of each other around on the internet. You hear all the time about teens taking inappropriate pictures of each other and sending them around and if you are caught with that in your phone, you can get in MAJOR trouble. I think with Casey’s career, he’s a bit more savvy on the appropriate uses of the Internet. So yeah…I’m just not looking forward to all of that. Eeee…”
Kathy
Thanks so much, Juliet. Hopefully the more vigilant we become as parents, the better chance our sons have at having a healthy sexual perspective for their future relationships.
Look into K9 web browser protection. I agree with everything said here but I still protect all my computers, tablets and phones with K9, one of the best filters around to protect kids from that unwanted image that can easily pop up.
Raelee,
Thank you for this. It is so important that parents educate themselves about this and “stay ahead of the curve”. In my community we are aware of five children who were exposed to pornography by sneaking their parents iPhones, googling the word sex and then up came the images. You can’t take those images back once they’re in your head. One of the children was 8 years old. We have been educating parents on how to put blocks on their devices in addition to keeping them away from their children.
Here is a link to a great organization that was started by a Waldorf charter school parent. Lots of good info to share with parents and to educate ourselves as well: http://www.cyberwise.org
Christine M.
This is well written on a part of life no one wants to talk about. I love the statement, “we are rejecting this rite of passage for our son.” Here! Here! I hope more parents stand up and clearly here the message that www stands for the wild wild west on-line.
Thank u…..it is great help. Being mother of sons i definitely needed this wise strategy
Such an important topic to address in the world we live in today!! I recently found this book to help parents discuss this with their kids so I wanted to share the resource in case it was helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays-ebook/dp/B00R9NROCS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422892090&sr=8-1&keywords=good+pictures+bad+pictures . I highly recommend it.
Thank you SO MUCH for writing this thoughtful article! I have been following the group Porn Kills Love on FB, watching Gail Dines talks on YouTube, a TEDx Talk on pornography addiction and the brain, and educating myself in various other ways. It is frightening what children (mostly young men) are being exposed to. Parents need to speak up! Fathers need to change the tide in what a coming of age boy feels is “normal” and “accepted.” The gender wounds are so deep in our culture and the power of intimacy has been largely lost or deflated. Thank you for raising awareness and I will share your post!
My husband and I went through this exact same thing with our 10 year old son… great article!
Thanks so much, Janice. I’m so sorry that you had to find out the hard way too that our children aren’t safe on the internet. I hope our stories help other parents to take action.
Wow! Lindsay you are very well educated on this subject. Thanks for listing your resources. Yes, I agree that dads really must step up and take a stand against porn and set the example for their sons. I am so glad that you commented and greatly appreciate you sharing this with other parents.
I will definitely check out this book. Thanks for posting it here. We need more resources to combat this huge monster of an industry. The more we know, the better we can put a stop to it.
I am so glad that you found this helpful, Khadija. Yes, you have great work to do being the mother of 3 sons. I hope your husband will support you in educating your young men to be noble and brave!
Thanks so much for responding, Christine. It is tragic to hear that these things are happening to our kids. I greatly appreciate your link to the website.
Excellent suggestion. I completely agree. It was surprising to hear that kids have been able to access porn inadvertently even with these safeguards in place but I do think you’re right – better to have some protection than none.
Wonderful, Kathy and Alison. Thank you for the feedback.
Thanks for your article! There is great value for embracing purity and sharing these benefits with our youth. My husband and I just wrote a book called Purity by Design that describes the very practical reasons why sexual purity is the most excellent lifestyle choice. Check it out on Amazon, or our website: http://www.epiclifeministries.com
1) I love love love this post. Porn is such a huge hot button topic for me, and figuring out how to navigate it in an age when it’s so easily accessible is really tricky. Well done.
2) I shared this post with my blog readers as well (https://www.facebook.com/motherhoodandmore/posts/844116108967462).
3) We have a friend in common! We live in Pullman, WA, and Jana often mentions her “friend Raelee” when she’s telling stories. The other day she was telling us about her and Ben’s engagement and mentioned that Raelee’s name had been Jennifer at some point in the story. When I started to read your bio here on your site and got to your name, I was like, “Hey, that’s Jana’s friend!!” Small world. 🙂
Oh, and also, this site is really helpful in understanding the dangers of pornography for young people (or anyone, really). http://www.fightthenewdrug.org
I was exposed to porn at age 10 and became instantly hooked. 30 years later ive finally admitted to being addicted and have gotten 4 months of intensive treatment (time off from work; intensive outpatient group and solo therapy) and am continuing such therapy individually. while i have made tremendous progress and am thankful to God for his help, I may have lost my marriage. my wife and i are in our year of waiting, 5 months into it, and prospects are not good. she is simply too hurt and too distrustful of me to want to try to reconcile again. i don’t judge her. i pray that she can be healthy and happy and also change and want to try to reconcile at least. but this is one man who can testify to the obliterating effects of exposure to porn at a young age.