I have had a lot on my mind lately about the state of motherhood. I have to be honest, it is my nature not to want to cause conflict or to challenge anyone’s choices when it comes to something as personal as parenting and mothering.
At the same time I have an inner fire burning in my chest to free women from the unbelievable and ridiculous standard of expectations we’ve heaped upon ourselves. One of the many beautiful gifts I’ve learned from becoming a simplicity parenting group leader is to become more curious rather than confrontational when there’s a difference of opinion, to listen with soft eyes, and to find the intention behind spoken words.
So, with those principles in mind, I invite you to read my stream of consciousness…
I will be first to admit that this mothering gig has been vastly more challenging and humbling than I ever could have imagined. I will also admit that there are many days I would prefer to have lots of time to think, reflect, and sit in the sweetness of silence.
At the same time, I honor motherhood and its personal tests. The journey is stretching me to strengthen my character, my spiritual qualities like no other role has.
Because I do respect mothering, there is an inner desire to fully embrace it, especially now while my youngest is still in preschool. How quaint and retro of me to yearn for full-time homemaking. Really? Are we really so bitter and jaded about gardening, homemade meals, clean spaces, and time for personal connection with our children that this ideal of nourishing our very spirit with these simple rhythms and routines is just too old fashioned?
I think in our quest to be valued that we didn’t fight for the feminine qualities that capture the true greatness of women but instead we fought for the right to be…men. We fought to work outside the home and in the home. Great. Now everyone is working. Men and women. The babies? The babies are being outsourced to the “professionals” or they are at home with us and responded to between work calls and email responses.
There are days when I catch my breath and wonder, “is this what I want?” I sleep to the last minute I can after sometimes, a restless night of scared or ill little ones, to ready everyone for the day ahead. Without a moment of reflection, I pack lunches, tie shoes, and drive the van for the school drop-off. I head home for a quick breakfast, glance at the piles of laundry, papers, toys, and art materials that I have no time to organize or handle because there are posts to write, clients to call – a pressure to earn. There’s guilt about the grocery store trip I need to take or the cat box that needs to be emptied.
But it is the relationships and the deep connections that are sacrificed by living this hurried life as a wanna-be homemaker who strives toward breadwinning and self-fulfillment through career.
Let’s be honest. There is no work-life balance, at least not while mothering children under age 7. Is it necessary for us to be striving to be a mother of little ones, the nest maker, and a breadwinner all at once? Aren’t there enough years to give each experience it’s own time and attention? I am befuddled at our belief that we must be everything to everyone in the same moment.
My thoughts on all of this are still percolating. I feel especially thoughtful when I think about what I want to share with my own daughter about motherhood and what it is and how she might go about it. I want it to be easier for her. I want to create a society for her that actually believes the mother-child bond is unique, sacred, and worth a few years of our undivided attention.
The partner’s values are so important, that they be similar and respectful is essential. Open to growth and transformation. The Inner work of the partner. I suspect that all our children believe about motherhood is deeply imbued in them from our actions over the course of their lives.
It has taken me a lot of work to surrender to the demands of parenting young children. Mine are 6 and 1. But I have to report that I do feel balanced. I work my butt off, but thankfully have amazing support from my husband. I work a job I feel passionate about half time, and homeschool my son. My husband works four days and cares for the children on the fifth day of the work week. I know I am lucky to have this support, from all directions. I know my circumstances are not common (though I wish they were). My husband and I both have jobs that don’t earn very much but we love the work we do – we are both on missions we feel strongly about! This passion is part of our parenting, and I feel that we are showing our children that being yourself is important. This is one of the things I will tell/show my daughter about motherhood: know yourself, be yourself, and have a realistic idea of what parenting really involves! For me, it means staying in the present moment as much as I can, taking the time to teach and witness and care. This also translates into having a wildly unruly yard, forgetting things I have committed to for others, having piles and piles of laundry. It has been a long road since I gave birth to my first child, but I have to say I feel good about where we are right now. I enjoy my time with my children so much, and part of that joy is having the balance of my job – I am excited to go to work and excited for my days at home with my children. I think we all have to accept who we are, and by being ourselves (in balance, with the family at the center) will help us be authentic and happy in our lives with our kids. This can mean so many things, including staying at home full time, sharing earning roles with our partners if we are so lucky, somehow finding a situation that is balanced enough. You are so right, Raelee, that balance isn’t perfect during these years, and I really believe that we can’t do it all. But I am sure grateful to feel balanced enough right now, for however long that feeling lasts!
Adrienne, it is so wonderful to hear how you’re finding the harmony of all of your roles. Having a supportive spouse is a true blessing. I love to hear your words of wisdom for your daughter – be sure to let both your son and daughter know that picking the right spouse is a big part of creating the life you want. I think you’ve touched on a lot of important keys to success here and it’s a unique combination – the right spouse, a passion for your work, a flexible schedule, ability to let go of the little things…love it!
Lisa, so true, mama! I wish our society valued the exceptional work of parenting so that more mamas would model more joy and fulfillment from their lives.
This reminds me of something Anna Quindlen once wrote many years ago. At the time, her three children were young and she was opting to take a pause in her extensive writing career to tend more to her family. I can’t recall the exact quote from the column she wrote (announcing her decision to take time out and not do a column/write heavily for awhile), but it was something along the lines of noting that we had all been sold this “you can do it all/supermom” package, but that she finally learned for herself that yeah, you *could* do it all (work/marriage/family/personal life), but just not all *at the same time* (eg all of those things with equal intensity during the same phase in life). To *try* to do it all was to just do all of them poorly. That quote has stuck with me on days when I’ve been frustrated as a SAHM. Just remembering that it’s only a *phase* for me. And remembering all kinds of wonderful women role models who took up full fledged careers etc of all sorts AFTER their children were older or out of the house alltogether. Never too late to start a new career etc, but the kids are only young when they are young and that’s only once.
I think women’s lib failed us when it taught us that our worth is in the workplace and took away that option to feel valued in our own homes. Women should feel confident that they can contribute in what ever way suits them and the role of a housewife held up, not demeaned.
Rock on, Joey@BigTeeth&Clouds! Rock on!
I think women’s lib failed us when it taught us that our worth is in the workplace and took away that option to feel valued in our own homes. Women should feel confident that they can contribute in what ever way suits them and the role of a housewife held up, not demeaned.