The most common challenge for moms is getting children to listen without yelling. Every one of my clients with children older than 12 months has admitted to yelling.
In the next 12 days, I will be writing a post every day to help you put an end to this bad parenting habit, find a more effective way to communicate, and perhaps even see that your children are beginning to listen to you!
With your busy schedule and multiple tasks to accomplish, your day can become one demanding request after another. You start to hate your own voice as you hear yourself repeating, “Go brush your teeth.” or “Get your clothes on.” or “Put your shoes away.” or “Eat your dinner.” You start to feel like a broken record and you begin to hear your voice get more and more frustrated until you are no longer capable of keeping calm.
The reason you are yelling is usually because your young children are not listening to you.
Well, this will probably not come to any surprise to you, but most parents talk too much to their children – negotiating, reasoning, explaining, and going into meaningless detail.
Why do you talk so much?
The reason you talk so much is that you may be trying to help yourself stay calm. In an effort not to blow up, you believe that if you just explain things in a different way or give your child more information, their behavior will improve and you will not have to yell.
Our first task at hand is to talk less and act more.
Day One:
You may not talk to make your request. You may use gestures to suggest and encourage your child to do what she needs to do.
What does that look like?
Choose not to yell or shout or shame your child when she won’t listen to your request. Instead, …
- keep quiet or use only a word or phrase as a tip for your child and say it once – “shoes” or “clean-up time” or “teeth”
- if your child needs to pick up toys, you can hand her the toys that need to be picked up and point to the basket where they go
- if she will not pick up the toys, bring the basket to her or gently, buy firmly physically guide her to the basket
- If your child needs to wipe her mouth during dinner, hand her a napkin and point to her mouth
- if she throws the napkin on the floor, choose not to react with anger or frustration – take confident action and wipe her mouth gently
- if your child has spilled cheerios and milk all over the floor, hand her the rag or the broom and point to the floor
- if she’s never cleaned up her own mess before, teach her how and get a rag and show her how it is done
You can do this, mama. Good luck with Day One’s Assignment! Please leave a comment about your thoughts on this first task and let us know how it went for you.
I love this idea! I really want to stop yelling at my kids. (I think I’ll forward this post to my husband, too!)
thanks alot. started today and forwarded to my husband:)
Happy I stumbled upon this post! I have wanted to stop yelling at my children, but that seems to be the only way they will listen. Thanks for your help.
Hi Cindy, it definitely can feel like that is the only way to get their attention. I hope you’ll take a peek at my free report about how young children learn and how simplifying your discipline will help a lot with making requests and getting better cooperation without yelling. Keep me posted!
Started with this today. Hope it’s not too late for my family. My boys are 14 and 11. I figure better late than never, right?
I do ok (not great, needs work, but ok) with the tasks mentioned above and keeping my cool, but I find that the yelling really starts at bedtime. I have a 4 and 5 year old and ater the 10th time they have gotten out of bed or called for me from their rooms, I loose it. I get so frustrated and finally start yelling and making threats of lost privledges. Any thoughts on how to keep my cool at bedtime and still get them to bed at a decent hour?
Hi Jessica,
Creating a predictable bedtime routine can definitely help. For example: dinner, bath, jammies, snack, brush teeth/lay out clothes, story (only 1), light a candle to sing a soft song or for prayers or back rubbing time to provide more physical contact. The key is to make this stick like clockwork – keep as predictable as possible and it becomes the formula for your children to let go into sleep. After dinner, a routine like this is typically about 1 hour long with the last 20 minutes or so taking place in their room with them. Sometimes little ones do need our presence to drift off. Use your intuition to see if your expectations have been too high for them to let you leave them – if you think they are capable of it and you have a very calming bedtime routine like this example, then the best response to little jack-in-the-boxes is to non-emotionally lead them back to their bed without anger or extra kisses. For a 4 and 5 year old the best time frame for bedtime is 6pm dinner, planning for a 7:30pm in bed, ready for sleep. I work with parents to create more predictability so use my contact page or visit my coaching page if you think you might want to set up a free introductory coaching call. Best of luck, mama!
Kimberly, it’s never too late, mama! 😉
I find this useful as a teacher. It is amazing how much I can get across with a smile, nod and point. Thank you on behalf of my 27 kindergarteners!
Hi Raelee
I have read your article on the Parenting Passageway and hopped over to your blog. I enjoyed what I was reading and my eye caught the “12 Days to stop yelling” I have a daughter in the middle of the Terrific Two’s and a son who is an Exuberant but very sensitive 4-year old. Needles to say there has been days that I have been feeling a little overwhelmed. I have found myself yelling at the kids when frustrated and I have tried to stop without great success. I feel that your “12 Days’ will actually provide me with the tools to change my behavior.
Even though nobody might read my comments I plan to write every day to keep myself on track.
I have had great success today, only used my ‘loud voice’ once, when somebody stepped on my toes. I feel very proud of myself for keeping quiet and calm. And I think the kids were less noisy.
Thanks for taking the time to write you blog and best from a sunny New Zealand
Day one went swimmingly. Less talking really supported listening!
Going to try this. I have turned into the yelling mom and I know it does nothing. Doing step 1 tomorrow and hope for a better relationship between me and my daughter. I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking all I did was yell at her lol!
I have a very mouthy 5 year old and a four year old who is laid back but now trying to follow brothers lead. I am really going to try this starting in the morning. I just am at my ropes end with the talking back and not listening.
I’m so tired of yelling at my 2.5yr old that I’m willing to try almost anything! I’ve tried on my own with no direction except simply saying “ok, tomorrow will be better,” but it lasts only a few hours. I did fantastic after day one and neither my husband nor I yelled/raised our voice at our toddler! It was amazing and the day over all felt more calm. Sure she tested everything in us, but we did good and I see good things in the future! Thanks!!
why do I have the urge to sit down and explain to my children that I am going to try something new and the first step is not talking so much. 🙂 I guess I really need to try this,immediately.
Hi Tracy,
Just check in with you…any further progress? It can be different to strive to talk less. 😉
Hi,
I feel a real sense of relief reading this – I thought I was the only person who shouted at their kids as much as I do.
I can’t wait to get started on this in the morning. I’ll keep you posted. Abi
That’s wonderful, Abi! Can’t wait to hear how it goes 😉
Hi! It’s 9pm over here (Scotland), the kids are in bed and I feel a huge sense of achievement after today – it went really well. I wasn’t sure my son (he’s 4 1/2) would do what was needed and I did feel quite robotic by the end of the day but, it worked! It was a really, REALLY good day and I didn’t shout once. There were definitely a few instances where I would have shouted today if I wasn’t doing this exercise so I really feel like I’ve achieved something.
The house has been incredibly calm for most of the day. My 18month old was out at nursery till tea time and she adds a whole new dynamic to the mix so it was getting quite trying with both of them, but I still kept my cool.
I actually felt like I breathed properly today – normally it’s little, sharp intakes of breath, mostly due to being stressed or struggling to keep my cool but today I breathed properly. I can’t think of the last time a whole day went by without me raising my voice.
Thank you so much for posting this, I think you might just save me from hating myself! I can’t wait for tomorrow. x
Hello,
I found this article by chance, and suddenly I feel like a normal person… I always thought I was the only one yelling at my 3 year old daughter. But starting tomorrow morning that will change. I’ll be Reading and trying your techniques, because I really want to stop the yelling.
Kind regards 🙂