Posts Tagged ‘Self-Care’

Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I am offering you the opportunity to receive a copy of Renee Trudeau’s beautiful book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

This book is not only full of incredible wisdom and guidance for moms as they experience motherhood, it is a book you will enjoy touching. The book serves as a companion guide, a journal, and a source of reference. The smooth blue and green cover and the journaling pages inside make it a gorgeous coffee table or bedside book for all new and not-so-new mamas.

To win this free copy that will be snail mailed to the lucky mama, just comment on this post and let me know what self-care ritual you have incorporated into your daily or weekly life with young children. Be sure to mention the ages of your children.

I look so forward to reading how all of you are striving to renew your spirit despite the challenges you might be experiencing with lack of sleep and overwhelm that parenting young children brings.

Need more help making self-care a priority? Join Renee Trudeau for a Free Class this month on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life – this is part of the Live Inside Out movement Renee started. Visit the link and find out the details about the free class.

If you experience problems in making a comment on this post, make sure you click on the post title on the actual website of noblemother.com

Tags: integrity, intention, motherhood, rituals, Self-Care, tribe
Posted in motherhood | 4 Comments »

What Mama Needs Vs What Mama Wants

Monday, April 26th, 2010

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and it resonates with me still…

On an extended morning walk this week with an intentional mama, I got the chance to think more closely about the idea of wants and needs. As you know, we must constantly strive to balance meeting our own mama needs and the needs of our family on a daily basis. Many moms are infamous for eliminating their own needs from the list in order to meet the high demands of their little ones.

However, in having this discussion, my friend shared that she has discovered that she is actually very good about meeting her needs, but that it is her wants that she denies herself. I thought that was fascinating.

Some of our common mama needs are: eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, maintaining financial security, parenting with intention, nurturing our marriage, etc. For me, striving to meet this list of needs is a task.

For my friend, these things are falling into place, but she feels the lack of simple selfish pleasures – the little things that make life joyful and even exciting and fun.

I have no problem indulging in a night of card-making/scrapbooking or meeting my friends or sisters for a cup of coffee or catching up on my DVR’d Oprah shows or spending an evening talking for 3 hours to a long-distance friend. But I intuitively feel that my needs are being neglected as my wants are fully taken care of.

Certainly there is overlap at times between our list of needs and our list of wants and there’s even some conflict between the two! Case in point: I need sleep but I want to stay up late because it is so wonderful to glow in some time alone.

My coaching question for you is: Are you favoring your needs or your wants right now? Are you finding them in conflict with one another and what is in your way of meeting both?

Tags: choices, intention, motherhood, Self-Care, self-discipline
Posted in Uncategorized, motherhood | No Comments »

Day 5: The Kids Have Routines, Do You?

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Seeking harmony, peace, and more calm seems to be the Holy Grail of motherhood. As you well know, I’ve discovered that keeping my children on a daily rhythm helps to keep things running more smoothly. However, it isn’t as foolproof as I would like. Yes, I hate to break it to you, but I struggle with mommy anger and frustration and I have to work so hard each and every day to maintain self-control when my cherubs push my buttons.

I have put my self to the test lately and I’ve been thinking more about what is essentially my problem! *Yes, I’m laughing at myself.* Intellectually I couldn’t know any better that losing my cool is incredibly ineffective and just bad parenting. Emotionally I just know that I am playing on the edge. All the mommy time in the world isn’t actually the answer for me. I love self-care and it is necessary, but a night out with my hubby, a night out with the mommies, or a morning to myself, actually isn’t the key for me in resolving my current challenge.

It is evident that I have all the symptoms of soul fever. Feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, crankiness, and heart palpitations! are definite evidence that I’m burning the candle at both ends. Can you relate?

It’s easy for me to recognize soul fever in my children, but I’m just cluing in that it is something I can suffer from too. As a mom who is passionate about helping my fellow womankind to stop the madness and to cherish their babies, toddlers, preschoolers enough to put the career to the side and to nurture those little beings as the way mamas do, I feel driven to blog and coach and facilitate this work. At the same time, my true reason for choosing to be home is to create a nurturing, spirit-lifting home for all of us. I’m determined to live my best life. For me, that means living accountable to the beings my husband and I decided to bring into this world. I am teaching them every day how to live – how to respond when things go wrong (like your car won’t start or the budget is too tight). I am the model.

It’s time to put that great intention into self-disciplined rhythms that help me achieve my goals. I’m really excited to figure out that creating rhythm and routine and predictability for myself will bring out my best. Whew. It took me awhile to get to that point, eh?

So, my intention this next month is to create some do-able rhythms so that I can be more organized, efficient, and sane as a mama who wants my spiritual qualities of flexibility, gentleness, and self-discipline to shine with my family. Ah, dear mamas, it just keeps coming back around to simplifying – simplifying my own environment (my office is so not peaceful), creating healthy meals for myself (I am such a wannabe Vegan!), establishing a slow schedule, and filtering out media and other information that brings me stress (news about missing kids!).

What’s one do-able thing you could change in your environment, meal/bed time routine, schedule, or information resources that will help you model your best today?

Tags: intention, Kim John Payne, motherhood, rhythm, routine, Self-Care, self-discipline, simplicity parenting, soul fever, tribe
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 1 Comment »

Day 4: Our Inner Work

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

It is natural to feel pulled toward the work that you feel passionate about – your career. It is rare to find a woman who is truly fulfilled by the tasks of homemaking. It is difficult to find the extraordinary from the ordinary. One has be almost Buddha-like to find joy from the daily laundry, clean-up, and meal preparation.

Does that make us bad mothers? Should we feel guilty that our mind wanders and we yearn to get back to responding to our companions over a cup of tea, at a meeting, or through an email or blog message?

No, it does not make us bad mothers for not feeling whole or complete by the tasks of the home. We are educated women who are change makers and healers and we have destinies that do lead us out of the home.

Our conflict, our challenge isn’t to convince ourselves that dishes and laundry are amazing. It is to acknowledge that as mothers to young children we are investing time into being present to these little ones as their spiritual mentors. It is our love and guidance that makes all the difference in these early years to their own development of who they will become. Being committed to the work of mothering is to be committed to your own inner work. Your child can pick up on your unrest, your dissatisfaction, your resentment of mothering.

There is a season for everything, mama. Bringing these sweet babies into your life is no simple decision, no easy task. At times you may feel like a butterfly pinned to a mounting board; you’re so ready to fly and yet, you can see the soul fever in yourself, in your little ones when you do. Being mindfully present, stretching yourself to find the spiritual in the mundane, this is intense inner work for any human being. You will not be given this opportunity forever; mothering young children is not a life sentence – they do grow up.

Take a breath. Slide into this time with ease and the perspective of a zen master. Your day when you can fly solo will come – will you be ready? Think of the lessons you can learn from this unique time in your career of the heart, this time of young motherhood.

“Parenting takes a tremendous amount of energy. If you don’t keep your energy replenished, you become frazzled, harried, short-tempered and otherwise hard to be around. Especially while your children are young, you need to make sure that you get adequate sleep. It helps to have some kind of meditation or practice or prayer, even five minutes a day, that can help to keep you centered. Creative activities such as art, music, sculpture or dance are also unique in actually replenishing the kind of energy that children demand.” ~ Rahima Baldwin Dancy You Are Your Child’s First Teacher

On this Day 4, strive to integrate your womanhood with your motherhood. Is there a unique blend of the two for you to create? Finding your rhythm of fulfillment with the life passions you have and bringing that energy and zest for life into your mothering so your children benefit from a parent who is inspired and content with her life – this is the inner work for us today.

Tags: choices, community, fortitude, guilt, integrity, Self-Care, self-discipline, sleep, soul fever, teaching, tribe
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 2 Comments »

Day 12: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Friday, January 1st, 2010

You did it! You have reached the last coaching post toward your goal to yell less. Congratulations!

I want to end our 12 day series with an invitation.

It isn’t often that we allow ourselves to reflect on our parenting without it being to reprimand ourselves or deepen the gash of guilt we feel for our many mistakes. It may not sound easy or simple, but strive to end your day with a simple, yet profound meditation.

“I’ve seen it make a profound difference, however, in some parents’ attitudes, and the emotional climate of their parenting. It is a meditation, a mental exercise for the end of the day that will take just a minute or two. Before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you. This simple exercise is like a spiritual corrective lens. In your vision of your kids, it helps restore the prominence of “who they are” over “what they need to do” or “what they need to work on.” Review the images; revisit the funny yet strangely insightful thing your daughter said, the gesture your son made that surprised you…Relive those moments, and give them their due. Let the images rise to the surface of your day. Let them fill the emotional waters that will lull you, in waves of appreciation and wonder, into sleep.”

~Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne

You may not have incorporated meditation into your spiritual practice of parenting. It’s something that I aspire toward and strive to do myself. It’s not easy building in that moment, even before sleep. There’s a beautiful and powerful meditation CD that I encourage you to purchase called the Compassionate Response CD by Kim John Payne. It specifically addresses the challenges we’ve been talking about in this 12-day series on yelling. Kim provides us with a meditation that we can call upon as we’re climbing the stairs, our blood boiling because we hear the screams and squabbling, yet again, from our little ones and our buttons are pushed and we’re ready to pounce. This meditation allows us to reset our button and to plug into a fresh intention to guide our children, rather than confront them.

Consider it your gift to yourself for coming this far in your pursuit to yell less, mama.

Tags: communication, community, integrity, intention, Kim John Payne, meditation, Self-Care, tribe
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | No Comments »

Day 11: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

We are almost to the end of our series and it is my hope that it has given you some great food for thought and reflection!

My goal in presenting these posts to you has been to inspire you to become more mindful when communicating with your little ones.

It would defeat the purpose of this series if you have become inspired to communicate more effectively only to become even more overwhelmed by feelings of guilt when you slip back to yelling.

Day 11

Be accountable but don’t beat yourself up with guilt when you make mistakes.

The big reason I don’t want you to feel guilty is because moms who are riddled with guilt become more permissive as parents.

“Permissive parenting leads to the creation of demanding, willful, oppositional children. Stop the cycle by truly forgiving yourself. Forgiveness takes place in three steps, which I call the ‘three R’s of forgiveness.’

First, recognize and accept your feelings. Tell yourself, ‘I feel angry and anxious, and that’s okay.’

Second, reframe the experience. Forget about finding a good guy and a villain. Admit that, given your state of mind, you did your best and so did your child.

Third, request help. Calmly ask your child to work with you in forging new patterns of behavior. Here is an example of what you might say: ‘Last night at bedtime, I screamed at you and spanked you. I did those things because I lost control, not because you are bad. Sometimes I think you want to be my boss. I am your mother and I am in charge. I am going to be a better parent. I am going to work on expressing anger differently – with words spoken firmly’” (Becky Bailey, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline).

You’ll never be the perfect mother. Your child won’t ever be the perfect child. Mistakes allow us the opportunity to grow. Shedding the guilt around making mistakes, forgiving yourself of your transgressions, and making a concerted effort toward mindful communication are all steps in the right direction to becoming more of the mom you want to be.

Tags: assertiveness, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, feelings, integrity, intention, listening, Self-Care, self-discipline
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | No Comments »

Day 10: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

We’ve explored the common reasons we may start yelling when it comes to our children – they may not be listening or they’ve made a poor choice – we’ve even explored the idea that we don’t always take care of ourselves enough. Today, I want to talk to you about something you might not have thought of before…

Day 10

From Linda Popov’s book, A Pace of Grace…

Today, reflect on the idea of “cultivating the gift of your assertiveness.”

As women, we don’t tend to like conflict or confrontation. “Assertiveness is the virtue that helps us establish what we will stand for and what we will not stand for.” If you can think of activities or people that consistently drain you, perhaps it is time to figure out what you can do to bring more energy into your life by nurturing your assertiveness so you give yourself permission to say “no”.

“Being assertive helps us avoid both aggression and passivity. It doesn’t mean being selfish and pushy. It is having the self-confidence to tell the truth about what is just, to say what we think and ask for what we need. The key to effectively practicing assertiveness is to balance it with tact.

Here are a few assertive statements you may find useful:

“I’m quite involved right now. Thanks for asking.”
“My schedule is full at the moment. Please ask me again.” (Only if you want them to!)
“I’d love to talk but I only have a few minutes. How can I help?”
“It would be great to see you, but I’m sticking close to home these days, needing a lot of quiet time. I appreciate your asking.”
“I’ve already contributed my quotient to charities this year. Good luck with your campaign.”
“Mom, my life is really full right now, so I can’t spend as much time with you as I have been. I’ll be visiting once a month and I’ll call you every week.”
“I’d be happy to help you with this new project. Which of my other jobs would you like me to put on the back burner?”
“Let me give it some thought.”
“I’ll think it over and let you know.”
“I’ll give it careful consideration.”

The last three phrases are particularly helpful in responding to children’s many requests and demands. Assertiveness is essential in parenting. When we appease our children by complying with their demands in the moment, promising something we later cannot fulfill, we destroy their trust and model dishonesty. We are teaching them to lie to avoid confrontation. Peace at any price is very expensive. It costs us our integrity and robs our children of trust. Be sure to be trustworthy – as well as assertive – and after you have thought it over, let them know what you have decided” (pp 177-8 Pace of Grace).

When we yell, we are expressing aggressiveness in order to get what we want, when we want it. Mothers who don’t express their own power over decisions, requests, and demands put on them, can easily become overwhelmed, resentful, and reach their tipping point with the little people in their lives instead of with the actual stressors. Acknowledge that you possess the virtue of assertiveness; take back your power and decide what you can put on your plate. Perhaps this is just one more piece of the puzzle in helping support your desire to communicate to your children more effectively.

Let me know what you think!

Tags: assertiveness, communication, family culture, integrity, intention, Self-Care
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | 2 Comments »

Day 7: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Saturday, December 26th, 2009

I don’t think you can ignore the idea of exploring what you believe about expressing anger when you’re trying to stop the habit of yelling as a discipline strategy. Obviously, parents yell out of frustration and anger. You would probably agree with me that our society doesn’t seem to be very well versed in having a healthy perspective on anger.

As a child, you may have repeatedly watched your own parents explode and yell and maybe even become physically aggressive with you out of anger. It is not unusual for you to be using the same aggressive reactions that your parents used with you, on your own children.

Part of your work toward yelling less or using more effective discipline is to understand how you can appropriately express anger. It isn’t realistic to believe that you will never be upset or angry when your child behaves inappropriately.

Day 7

Learn to appropriately express anger. Your children under the age of 7 are learning so much from you about the world through making mistakes, creative play, and imitation. Who are they imitating? You! Anger is an emotion and you want to be able to model how to handle strong emotions to your children.

The first place to start in learning more appropriate expression is to be sure it’s really anger you are feeling. Could you be masking another feeling? If you were punished for being emotional or even labeled “sensitive” or “a drama queen” growing up, you may be using anger to cover up your real feelings of being hurt, frustrated, disappointed, or afraid.

I read a lot of books and blogs and take pages of notes on things I love. Unfortunately, I can’t give credit to the person who came up with these 5 steps because it isn’t in my notes. If you know who you are – please reveal yourself – they’re great tips to follow once you’ve discovered that you’re truly angry!

1. When you are upset, say so in an upset or angry tone of voice.

Let your whole body speak the message in a straightforward, assertive manner-not aggressively or passively. Say what you are feeling in a firm voice. Your tone can convey anger without a loud scream or a shaky whisper.

2. Tell your child your feelings.

“I am angry!” It is critical that your body and mouth are saying the same thing. To grab the coat and throw it on the floor and say that you are not upset about anything is passive aggressive. To say in a soft whisper that you are angry is to not involve your body in delivering the message. In fact, if you quietly say you are angry, anger is probably masking another feeling.

3. State your belief out loud but avoid killer statements.

“I believe each one of us needs to pick up our own dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket.” Avoid comments such as “You never pick up your clothes.” “You are such a slob.” These killer statements only attack the other person.

4. Close the time gap between the hurt and the expression of that hurt.

Give direct feedback. Tell her what she has done. “This week I have picked up your crayons and paper every day. You dump them on the living room floor and leave them there.”

5. State what you want.

“I want you to pick up your crayons and put them in the box and put the box in the drawer.”

Write these 5 steps on a sticky note and hang it up on your mirror for practice! Let me know your struggles and triumphs as you retrain yourself during your fitful moments.

This post included in Real Life’s Your Life Your Blog

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, feelings, intention, rhythm, Self-Care, self-discipline, simplicity parenting
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | No Comments »

Day 4: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

You’re on Day 4 of your 12 Day Challenge! By now you may be realizing that you have been expecting too much from your child and because your expectations are often not fulfilled, you feel frustrated and angry with her.

I’m sure that just reflecting and striving to implement some of these new strategies has worn you out.

Let’s agree one more time for the record that parenting is hard work. It’s a job that stretches you. Your core qualities are being tested beyond what you think you can even manage at times. You wouldn’t be the first mama to feel overwhelmed by the tasks of consistency and fortitude!

At this point in our coaching, however, I want you to put some thought into the idea that “all behavior is communication.” Obviously, you could immediately think of your own child and contemplate what her behavior is communicating to you, especially the challenging behaviors.

But I want you to think about yourself instead. How often are you feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and angry? Think about a scale from 1 to 10. Say 10 is your rage, your absolute boiling point. Where are you on this scale most of the time?

If you’re thinking you probably fall between 5 and 10 most days, I want you to reflect on this for a moment: You already understand and acknowledge that young children will be noisy, messy, and they will most assuredly push your buttons. Their brains are still developing; they are still learning how the world works, how their own emotions work.

You’re the emotionally mature one, mama, in this scenario.

Day 4

You need to take care of yourself and your own needs. If your anger and frustration consistently stay between 5 and 10, I invite you to entertain the thought that you are communicating a message to the world. You might be communicating, “I need a break! I need support! I need to rest! I need solitude!”

There’s absolutely no reason to feel guilty about needing to be away from your children now and again! In fact, it is absurd of you to expect yourself not to have regular times away in order for you to refuel, to re-energize.

If you don’t have regular dates with your spouse, schedule one sooner rather than later.

If childcare is a problem preventing you from taking a break when you need one, connect with some other moms and create a babysitting co-op. When my first child was just a baby we had a co-op with a few other families in our neighborhood. It was amazing! I would sit for a mom while her kids slept so she could go out with her husband and then she would do the same for me on another night for me and mine.

Another great way to recharge regularly is creating an early bedtime for your little ones. One of the best ways I refuel is knowing that my nights belong to me. I value a 7 or 7:30pm bedtime for my kids. I value it so much that I actually get disappointed when we have things scheduled in the evenings that will hinder me from getting them to bed early! From 7:30pm until 11pm, I can attend a mom’s night out, read, blog, scrapbook, watch a show, call a friend, snuggle with my hubby… the possibilities are endless.

Moms tell me all the time that their kids won’t go to sleep early. I’m sure there are exceptions, but this past summer when I took care of my niece and nephew for 3 weeks along with my own 2, I wasn’t surprised when I had them bathed, jammied, storied, and beded by 8pm. That was exceptional considering that they don’t have a regular early bedtime at their own house.

I LOVE the bedtime routine. It means restorative, healthy, sweet quiet is on its way. I truly believe that all mothers can have this, especially once your children are 2.5 or older. We started both of our kids on an early bedtime since birth. It evolved since nursing and fears and sickness and teething – all of these things do play a part in interrupted evening time for awhile. I forged through and there was a time when my oldest actually needed to go to bed by 6:30pm in order to sleep well! It was amazing!

But I digress…

The bottom line? If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And if you’re pulling your hair out most of the day with your kids, then you aren’t happy and it means you are in desperate need of some personal, daily respite. It’s not a guilty pleasure, it’s a necessity. I invite you to pursue it!

Tags: bedtime, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, family culture, intention, routine, Self-Care, self-discipline, simplicity parenting
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | No Comments »

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Posts Tagged ‘Self-Care’

Day 11

The big reason I don’t want you to feel guilty is because moms who are riddled with guilt become more permissive as parents.

Day 10

Day 7

Day 4

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