Posts Tagged ‘integrity’

What Will You Tell Your Daughter About Motherhood?

Friday, May 21st, 2010

I have had a lot on my mind lately about the state of motherhood. I have to be honest, it is my nature not to want to cause conflict or to challenge anyone’s choices when it comes to something as personal as parenting and mothering.

At the same time I have an inner fire burning in my chest to free women from the unbelievable and ridiculous standard of expectations we’ve heaped upon ourselves. One of the many beautiful gifts I’ve learned from becoming a simplicity parenting group leader is to become more curious rather than confrontational when there’s a difference of opinion, to listen with soft eyes, and to find the intention behind spoken words.

So, with those principles in mind, I invite you to read my stream of consciousness…

I will be first to admit that this mothering gig has been vastly more challenging and humbling than I ever could have imagined. I will also admit that there are many days I would prefer to have lots of time to think, reflect, and sit in the sweetness of silence.

At the same time, I honor motherhood and its personal tests. The journey is stretching me to strengthen my character, my spiritual qualities like no other role has.

Because I do respect mothering, there is an inner desire to fully embrace it, especially now while my youngest is still in preschool. How quaint and retro of me to yearn for full-time homemaking. Really? Are we really so bitter and jaded about gardening, homemade meals, clean spaces, and time for personal connection with our children that this ideal of nourishing our very spirit with these simple rhythms and routines is just too old fashioned?

I think in our quest to be valued that we didn’t fight for the feminine qualities that capture the true greatness of women but instead we fought for the right to be…men. We fought to work outside the home and in the home. Great. Now everyone is working. Men and women. The babies? The babies are being outsourced to the “professionals” or they are at home with us and responded to between work calls and email responses.

There are days when I catch my breath and wonder, “is this what I want?” I sleep to the last minute I can after sometimes, a restless night of scared or ill little ones, to ready everyone for the day ahead. Without a moment of reflection, I pack lunches, tie shoes, and drive the van for the school drop-off. I head home for a quick breakfast, glance at the piles of laundry, papers, toys, and art materials that I have no time to organize or handle because there are posts to write, clients to call – a pressure to earn. There’s guilt about the grocery store trip I need to take or the cat box that needs to be emptied.

But it is the relationships and the deep connections that are sacrificed by living this hurried life as a wanna-be homemaker who strives toward breadwinning and self-fulfillment through career.

Let’s be honest. There is no work-life balance, at least not while mothering children under age 7. Is it necessary for us to be striving to be a mother of little ones, the nest maker, and a breadwinner all at once? Aren’t there enough years to give each experience it’s own time and attention? I am befuddled at our belief that we must be everything to everyone in the same moment.

My thoughts on all of this are still percolating. I feel especially thoughtful when I think about what I want to share with my own daughter about motherhood and what it is and how she might go about it. I want it to be easier for her. I want to create a society for her that actually believes the mother-child bond is unique, sacred, and worth a few years of our undivided attention.

Tags: integrity, motherhood, rhythm, routine, working mom
Posted in motherhood | 9 Comments »

Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I am offering you the opportunity to receive a copy of Renee Trudeau’s beautiful book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

This book is not only full of incredible wisdom and guidance for moms as they experience motherhood, it is a book you will enjoy touching. The book serves as a companion guide, a journal, and a source of reference. The smooth blue and green cover and the journaling pages inside make it a gorgeous coffee table or bedside book for all new and not-so-new mamas.

To win this free copy that will be snail mailed to the lucky mama, just comment on this post and let me know what self-care ritual you have incorporated into your daily or weekly life with young children. Be sure to mention the ages of your children.

I look so forward to reading how all of you are striving to renew your spirit despite the challenges you might be experiencing with lack of sleep and overwhelm that parenting young children brings.

Need more help making self-care a priority? Join Renee Trudeau for a Free Class this month on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life – this is part of the Live Inside Out movement Renee started. Visit the link and find out the details about the free class.

If you experience problems in making a comment on this post, make sure you click on the post title on the actual website of noblemother.com

Tags: integrity, intention, motherhood, rituals, Self-Care, tribe
Posted in motherhood | 4 Comments »

Day 4: Our Inner Work

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

It is natural to feel pulled toward the work that you feel passionate about – your career. It is rare to find a woman who is truly fulfilled by the tasks of homemaking. It is difficult to find the extraordinary from the ordinary. One has be almost Buddha-like to find joy from the daily laundry, clean-up, and meal preparation.

Does that make us bad mothers? Should we feel guilty that our mind wanders and we yearn to get back to responding to our companions over a cup of tea, at a meeting, or through an email or blog message?

No, it does not make us bad mothers for not feeling whole or complete by the tasks of the home. We are educated women who are change makers and healers and we have destinies that do lead us out of the home.

Our conflict, our challenge isn’t to convince ourselves that dishes and laundry are amazing. It is to acknowledge that as mothers to young children we are investing time into being present to these little ones as their spiritual mentors. It is our love and guidance that makes all the difference in these early years to their own development of who they will become. Being committed to the work of mothering is to be committed to your own inner work. Your child can pick up on your unrest, your dissatisfaction, your resentment of mothering.

There is a season for everything, mama. Bringing these sweet babies into your life is no simple decision, no easy task. At times you may feel like a butterfly pinned to a mounting board; you’re so ready to fly and yet, you can see the soul fever in yourself, in your little ones when you do. Being mindfully present, stretching yourself to find the spiritual in the mundane, this is intense inner work for any human being. You will not be given this opportunity forever; mothering young children is not a life sentence – they do grow up.

Take a breath. Slide into this time with ease and the perspective of a zen master. Your day when you can fly solo will come – will you be ready? Think of the lessons you can learn from this unique time in your career of the heart, this time of young motherhood.

“Parenting takes a tremendous amount of energy. If you don’t keep your energy replenished, you become frazzled, harried, short-tempered and otherwise hard to be around. Especially while your children are young, you need to make sure that you get adequate sleep. It helps to have some kind of meditation or practice or prayer, even five minutes a day, that can help to keep you centered. Creative activities such as art, music, sculpture or dance are also unique in actually replenishing the kind of energy that children demand.” ~ Rahima Baldwin Dancy You Are Your Child’s First Teacher

On this Day 4, strive to integrate your womanhood with your motherhood. Is there a unique blend of the two for you to create? Finding your rhythm of fulfillment with the life passions you have and bringing that energy and zest for life into your mothering so your children benefit from a parent who is inspired and content with her life – this is the inner work for us today.

Tags: choices, community, fortitude, guilt, integrity, Self-Care, self-discipline, sleep, soul fever, teaching, tribe
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 2 Comments »

I Love Give-Aways With Integrity

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

As a mommy blogger I read a lot of blogs that offer free gifts and prizes for promoting websites and programs. There have been a very select few that I have entered because I get easily overwhelmed and I strive to make sure that everything I write and everything that I do is with a greater purpose.

Lately, I’ve been discovering blogs that are so inspirational and beautiful. I’ve been sharing some of them with you via my bi-monthly e-zine. It’s been such a joy to find kindred spirits out in the blogosphere who are helping moms simplify and get back to basics.

I couldn’t resist entering this giveaway contest at simplemom.com – the giveaways are breathtaking, sweet, and, of course, simple. My favorite giveaway is the One Pearl necklace. The story behind this jewelry is so unique and heartwarming.

So, I hope you will visit simplemom.com today and submit your chance(s) to win, mama. Good Luck!

Tags: community, integrity, simplicity parenting, tribe
Posted in simplicity | No Comments »

Day 12: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Friday, January 1st, 2010

You did it! You have reached the last coaching post toward your goal to yell less. Congratulations!

I want to end our 12 day series with an invitation.

It isn’t often that we allow ourselves to reflect on our parenting without it being to reprimand ourselves or deepen the gash of guilt we feel for our many mistakes. It may not sound easy or simple, but strive to end your day with a simple, yet profound meditation.

“I’ve seen it make a profound difference, however, in some parents’ attitudes, and the emotional climate of their parenting. It is a meditation, a mental exercise for the end of the day that will take just a minute or two. Before falling into sleep, remember the ordinary moments of the day, the moments with your children that meant something to you. This simple exercise is like a spiritual corrective lens. In your vision of your kids, it helps restore the prominence of “who they are” over “what they need to do” or “what they need to work on.” Review the images; revisit the funny yet strangely insightful thing your daughter said, the gesture your son made that surprised you…Relive those moments, and give them their due. Let the images rise to the surface of your day. Let them fill the emotional waters that will lull you, in waves of appreciation and wonder, into sleep.”

~Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne

You may not have incorporated meditation into your spiritual practice of parenting. It’s something that I aspire toward and strive to do myself. It’s not easy building in that moment, even before sleep. There’s a beautiful and powerful meditation CD that I encourage you to purchase called the Compassionate Response CD by Kim John Payne. It specifically addresses the challenges we’ve been talking about in this 12-day series on yelling. Kim provides us with a meditation that we can call upon as we’re climbing the stairs, our blood boiling because we hear the screams and squabbling, yet again, from our little ones and our buttons are pushed and we’re ready to pounce. This meditation allows us to reset our button and to plug into a fresh intention to guide our children, rather than confront them.

Consider it your gift to yourself for coming this far in your pursuit to yell less, mama.

Tags: communication, community, integrity, intention, Kim John Payne, meditation, Self-Care, tribe
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | No Comments »

Day 11: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

We are almost to the end of our series and it is my hope that it has given you some great food for thought and reflection!

My goal in presenting these posts to you has been to inspire you to become more mindful when communicating with your little ones.

It would defeat the purpose of this series if you have become inspired to communicate more effectively only to become even more overwhelmed by feelings of guilt when you slip back to yelling.

Day 11

Be accountable but don’t beat yourself up with guilt when you make mistakes.

The big reason I don’t want you to feel guilty is because moms who are riddled with guilt become more permissive as parents.

“Permissive parenting leads to the creation of demanding, willful, oppositional children. Stop the cycle by truly forgiving yourself. Forgiveness takes place in three steps, which I call the ‘three R’s of forgiveness.’

First, recognize and accept your feelings. Tell yourself, ‘I feel angry and anxious, and that’s okay.’

Second, reframe the experience. Forget about finding a good guy and a villain. Admit that, given your state of mind, you did your best and so did your child.

Third, request help. Calmly ask your child to work with you in forging new patterns of behavior. Here is an example of what you might say: ‘Last night at bedtime, I screamed at you and spanked you. I did those things because I lost control, not because you are bad. Sometimes I think you want to be my boss. I am your mother and I am in charge. I am going to be a better parent. I am going to work on expressing anger differently – with words spoken firmly’” (Becky Bailey, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline).

You’ll never be the perfect mother. Your child won’t ever be the perfect child. Mistakes allow us the opportunity to grow. Shedding the guilt around making mistakes, forgiving yourself of your transgressions, and making a concerted effort toward mindful communication are all steps in the right direction to becoming more of the mom you want to be.

Tags: assertiveness, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, feelings, integrity, intention, listening, Self-Care, self-discipline
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | No Comments »

Day 10: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

We’ve explored the common reasons we may start yelling when it comes to our children – they may not be listening or they’ve made a poor choice – we’ve even explored the idea that we don’t always take care of ourselves enough. Today, I want to talk to you about something you might not have thought of before…

Day 10

From Linda Popov’s book, A Pace of Grace…

Today, reflect on the idea of “cultivating the gift of your assertiveness.”

As women, we don’t tend to like conflict or confrontation. “Assertiveness is the virtue that helps us establish what we will stand for and what we will not stand for.” If you can think of activities or people that consistently drain you, perhaps it is time to figure out what you can do to bring more energy into your life by nurturing your assertiveness so you give yourself permission to say “no”.

“Being assertive helps us avoid both aggression and passivity. It doesn’t mean being selfish and pushy. It is having the self-confidence to tell the truth about what is just, to say what we think and ask for what we need. The key to effectively practicing assertiveness is to balance it with tact.

Here are a few assertive statements you may find useful:

“I’m quite involved right now. Thanks for asking.”
“My schedule is full at the moment. Please ask me again.” (Only if you want them to!)
“I’d love to talk but I only have a few minutes. How can I help?”
“It would be great to see you, but I’m sticking close to home these days, needing a lot of quiet time. I appreciate your asking.”
“I’ve already contributed my quotient to charities this year. Good luck with your campaign.”
“Mom, my life is really full right now, so I can’t spend as much time with you as I have been. I’ll be visiting once a month and I’ll call you every week.”
“I’d be happy to help you with this new project. Which of my other jobs would you like me to put on the back burner?”
“Let me give it some thought.”
“I’ll think it over and let you know.”
“I’ll give it careful consideration.”

The last three phrases are particularly helpful in responding to children’s many requests and demands. Assertiveness is essential in parenting. When we appease our children by complying with their demands in the moment, promising something we later cannot fulfill, we destroy their trust and model dishonesty. We are teaching them to lie to avoid confrontation. Peace at any price is very expensive. It costs us our integrity and robs our children of trust. Be sure to be trustworthy – as well as assertive – and after you have thought it over, let them know what you have decided” (pp 177-8 Pace of Grace).

When we yell, we are expressing aggressiveness in order to get what we want, when we want it. Mothers who don’t express their own power over decisions, requests, and demands put on them, can easily become overwhelmed, resentful, and reach their tipping point with the little people in their lives instead of with the actual stressors. Acknowledge that you possess the virtue of assertiveness; take back your power and decide what you can put on your plate. Perhaps this is just one more piece of the puzzle in helping support your desire to communicate to your children more effectively.

Let me know what you think!

Tags: assertiveness, communication, family culture, integrity, intention, Self-Care
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | 2 Comments »