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Posts Tagged ‘fortitude’

Day 4: Our Inner Work

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

It is natural to feel pulled toward the work that you feel passionate about – your career. It is rare to find a woman who is truly fulfilled by the tasks of homemaking.  It is difficult to find the extraordinary from the ordinary.  One has be almost Buddha-like to find joy from the daily laundry, clean-up, and meal preparation.

Does that make us bad mothers? Should we feel guilty that our mind wanders and we yearn to get back to responding to our companions over a cup of tea, at a meeting, or through an email or blog message?

No, it does not make us bad mothers for not feeling whole or complete by the tasks of the home. We are educated women who are change makers and healers and we have destinies that do lead us out of the home.

Our conflict, our challenge isn’t to convince ourselves that dishes and laundry are amazing.  It is to acknowledge that as mothers to young children we are investing time into being present to these little ones as their spiritual mentors.  It is our love and guidance that makes all the difference in these early years to their own development of who they will become.  Being committed to the work of mothering is to be committed to your own inner work.  Your child can pick up on your unrest, your dissatisfaction, your resentment of mothering.

There is a season for everything, mama. Bringing these sweet babies into your life is no simple decision, no easy task.  At times you may feel like a butterfly pinned to a mounting board; you’re so ready to fly and yet, you can see the soul fever in yourself, in your little ones when you do.  Being mindfully present, stretching yourself to find the spiritual in the mundane, this is intense inner work for any human being.  You will not be given this opportunity forever; mothering young children is not  a life sentence – they do grow up.

Take a breath. Slide into this time with ease and the perspective of a zen master.  Your day when you can fly solo will come – will you be ready?  Think of the lessons you can learn from this unique time in your career of the heart, this time of young motherhood.

“Parenting takes a tremendous amount of energy.  If you don’t keep your energy replenished, you become frazzled, harried, short-tempered and otherwise hard to be around.  Especially while your children are young, you need to make sure that you get adequate sleep.  It helps to have some kind of meditation or practice or prayer, even five minutes a day, that can help to keep you centered.  Creative activities such as art, music, sculpture or dance are also unique in actually replenishing the kind of energy that children demand.” ~ Rahima Baldwin Dancy You Are Your Child’s First Teacher

On this Day 4, strive to integrate your womanhood with your motherhood.  Is there a unique blend of the two for you to create?  Finding your rhythm of fulfillment with the life passions you have and bringing that energy and zest for life into your mothering so your children benefit from a parent who is inspired and content with her life  – this is the inner work for us today.

Tags: choices, community, fortitude, guilt, integrity, Self-Care, self-discipline, sleep, soul fever, teaching, tribe
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 2 Comments »

What To Do When Your Child Sucks Their Thumb or Clothes

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Question From L.:

My 4 year old son has recently started chewing the neck of his shirts until they are saturated with saliva throughout the day (I can’t connect the behavior with any particular situation). He has also started putting his fingers in his mouth or sucking his thumb, but only when I read to him. We’ve tried to say “a dry shirt is a happy shirt…”, but this doesn’t really help him to stop and we are concerned that it is just bringing attention to a behavior that we’d like to see stop. We just ignore the fingers/thumb in the mouth. I’ve also tried talking to him about feelings, “sometimes we worry….”, but he doesn’t acknowledge any of these feelings. Thoughts? or am I the one that just needs to stop worrying?

Thanks, L.

Raelee’s Suggestion:

Hi L.,

These self soothing behaviors result, as you intuitively felt, from pent up feelings. Feeling safe to express and release stress and tension is a skill for all of us to master. I know as mamas that we strive to model this as best as we can, but it can be a challenge.

Ultimately, your 4 year-old needs to channel his need to relieve his stress and tension (something we all have on a daily basis) through crying or tantruming or raging.  I know that this kind of behavior can be very stressful for a parent. I’m learning more and more how critical it is for us to recognize crying as a way young children “discharge” their stress.

Yesterday, for example, Keaton, my own 4 year old, wasn’t feeling well and being “off” was causing him a lot of stress. I knew that sleeping would be key to him feeling better and so I gently but firmly, without yelling or even feeling anger, held him on my bed in my arms until his tears and rage about taking a nap subsided into sleep. He tantrumed for 30 minutes, all the while I validated him, “I know you’re really upset and angry that you need sleep to get better. You want to play and you don’t want to rest.” I was very detached from his emotions – they were not triggering my anger or frustration – I was just present, knowing that he needs to release this pent up stress in order to get it all out. He woke up from a deep nap and had a wonderful, peaceful evening, renewed.

Last night, I felt really overwhelmed and hurt by an extended family situation. Usually I would distract myself from the stress of the day and choose to eat for comfort or just go to sleep. But I allowed myself to be present with my feelings about things and I allowed myself to have a really good cry until I had no more tears (obviously, this was not in the presence of my children). I woke up this morning feeling so much better!

Depending on how much your son has to discharge (one only can cry so much if allowed to completely let it out), he may tantrum (crying, being upset – not hurting himself, you, or property) for up to 90 minutes or less. To allow him to actually release and let go of the thumb and collar sucking, it would require allowing him to discharge.

Don’t yank out his thumb or his collar. Tap his thumb and see if he would be comfortable with you slowly pulling it out while saying, “Sweetie, you don’t need this, it’s okay to cry or be upset sometimes.” Sometimes just communicating and doing this will allow him to start discharging. If he would let you hold him while crying, that would be great, but sometimes by 4 that’s not possible. Stay with him and validate his feelings as he lets out his tears. If it triggers anger to hear him raging, you can see if you can allow yourself to cry rather than yell or start to feel controlling. It’s okay to discharge together.

This could be an option of getting him to let go of these stress outlets and for him to understand more how his strong feelings are okay and acceptable. I know it sounds a bit odd and even stressful. However, I have to say, that since I’ve been practicing this with Isabel and Keaton and myself, there is less whining and edginess in general. The kids cry when they need to in a way that isn’t so explosive as it had been in the past. It feels like we’re coming into a balance.

If ignoring it seems like a better way for you right now, that’s fine too; you may need to build up to this approach. Delaying his need to discharge may mean that he may give up the collar and thumb sucking eventually but that pent up stress and tension manifest in other ways as children get older – usually other negative behaviors. It would be a great advantage to you and to him if you could think about this idea of discharging now, rather than later.

Need More Information? Read this article about Understanding Your Child’s Feelings at Parenting With Presence.

I hope this is helpful.

Warmly,

Tags: Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, communication, feelings, fortitude, intention, self-discipline, tantrums
Posted in tantrums and crying | No Comments »

Tears, Misbehavior, & The Importance of Rhythm

Friday, January 8th, 2010

happyboyHi Raelee,

I just wanted to let you know of a really rewarding experience I had with B this morning.

After a super hectic holiday and quite an extended period of disrupted routine,
I was noticing a lot of “behaviors”. He was more easily frustrated, more quick to resort to tears and shouting “no”, hitting, and throwing. His attention span was greatly diminished. And he was playing on his own A LOT less (he generally plays calmly about 50% of our day). Yesterday, I was feeling pretty low about the whole situation myself which, of course, just seemed to make matters worse.

This morning, I stopped negotiating. I stopped trying to make it easier for him. I stopped trying to compromise, to please him. I refused to play trucks when he wanted me to, offering cuddles, stories, block or play dough instead. I refused to get out another activity when he immediately gave up on the first one he had requested.

And, guess what? He cried a lot. He pulled my arms and insisted. He threw something. I took it away (that’s the rule). He flailed his arms at me. I said, “You may not hurt me. I will not let you hit.” And he went for his blanket and his binky and self soothed for about 5 minutes. Then he latched on to something else and we went through the same routine.

I stuck with my answers. I re-emphasized the expectations and the boundaries of what was acceptable. Rather than catering to him in an effort to make things easier on us both – which I had been doing out of exhaustion and frustration since the holidays – I stated the rule and I stuck by it. And I didn’t go along with what he wanted to do when I knew I would be miserable and resentful.

And that was it. He was back to his calm, cheerful, focused self – the little guy I had been missing since the hectic holidays. Woo Hoo for routine! We had a fabulous day together, going through the familiar daily rituals. And the suppertime breakdowns in the evening were even far improved over the past couple of days. I feel like he really just needed the parameters drawn again and that’s why he had been “acting up”. It just took me a while to catch on!

Peace,
S.

Thanks so much to S. for sharing her success story!  I hope this supports the noble mother community as we strive to figure out the best way to respond to our children when they are challenged by their own daily inner work.  I would recommend reading this article about tears and crying by Aletha Solter to continue your understanding about the necessity of allowing children the space to work out their own stress, anxiety, and traumas through crying.  I welcome your success stories as well as your parenting challenges, mamas!!

~Raelee

Tags: Aletha Solter, assertiveness, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, family culture, fortitude, independence, rhythm, rituals, routine, self-discipline, tantrums, teaching, tears
Posted in rhythm | 3 Comments »

Remembering Our Purpose

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

n79487707966_4345Parenting young children can be a lot like one of my favorite movies, Ground Hog Day. I haven’t seen it in awhile and I think I’ll find it on Netflix and watch it again.  It’s one of those movies that makes me laugh and just feel good by the end.

Fortunately, I have the joy and honor to connect one-on-one with other moms through coaching to keep my days interesting and inspirational, unlike Bill Murray’s character.

I know that for you, life right now may be a series of disturbed nightly rest, early mornings, daily tasks of getting yourself ready and one or more children, setting up the play dough or the paints, cleaning it up, making snack, bundling to go outside, coming inside, diaper changes or potty breaks or accidents, wiping faces and bottoms and noses, putting shoes on and taking them off, washing dishes, kids, and dogs, cooking, cleaning, carpooling…

I think we forget why we’re doing all of this. The big picture gets lost along the way.

A client and I read this virtues card this morning to help ground us in that bigger picture.  It was wonderful to read the words and I thought more moms would benefit from the card as well.  We know that the bigger picture is about nurturing our children into people of character.

I remember my birth doula told me “every push is bringing you closer to meeting your new baby.”

Maybe every new challenge is bringing you closer to your true self.

Fortitude

Fortitude is strength of
character.  It is the will to
endure no matter what
happens, with courage,
confidence, and patience.
Fortitude is deeply
rooted in the bedrock of
our will.  We cultivate it
by strengthening our
resolve to face whatever
comes.  It springs from
devotion to a purpose we
believe to be real and
important.  It grows as we
face and overcome
insurmountable obstacles.
It keeps us going.  Our
fortitude can astonish us.
~The Virtues Project

Tags: character, Children Under Age 7, community, family culture, fortitude, tantrums
Posted in motherhood | No Comments »

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