feelings « Noble Mother

Posts Tagged ‘feelings’

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

I’m working this summer from home in the mornings and I did feel so organized and blessed to have a mother’s helper until her schedule changed and I had to come up with Plan B. Plan B is shaky and interesting. It involves my 7 year old keeping my 4 year old busy with crafts and stories and snacks! Today was day one of Plan B.

My daughter was wonderful. She had stories planned, a lovely art activity, … She felt secure in creating her own rhythm for her brother. Unfortunately, the rhythm didn’t feel secure enough for my 4 year old and I could tell that he was overwhelmed by choices and the feeling that I was unavailable, despite my physical presence in the same room.

It’s so common for parents to believe that we are respecting our young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power we are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them, can be the reason for tantrums and defiance, and ultimately, if continued over time, can develop a little one into the family bully or tyrant.

Developmentally, young children under age 7 need us to be the benevolent Kings and Queens of the home. We provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next. It is clear that my little boy needs Plan B to have more structure, more emotional availability from me to him. So tomorrow I will be guiding them both through the morning. “You may have outdoor play for a little while on the trampoline and then it will be time for some drawing inside.” A little structure and guidance will open a window for him to feel more creative later in the morning when he might get bored, and as in those brilliant boredom moments of the past, create a game by himself or with his sister.

I think more parents in our generation believe that our children should have choices throughout the day - about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.

It is so tempting to allow our little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily we can let ourselves give into their demands, if we aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.

Just yesterday my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing and ran to me, “She hit me!” I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”"

When my 4 year old gets frustrated with me and starts to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach him how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family.”

Are you giving your little one too many choices?

Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?

Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, our princes and princesses are happier when we confidently and wisely take the lead.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, discipline, feelings, imitation, motherhood, tantrums, The Will, working mom
Posted in discipline | No Comments »

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

It’s hot here in North Carolina and my 4 year old has been wearing his flannel pajamas. It was timely to get some summer pajamas on sale. He picked out a short and t-shirt set with sharks on it. It was one of the bright spots in his day; there was a lot going on for him emotionally – may be due to lack of sleep or a build up of stress. Little things were setting him off into tears.

I share a lot of assistance to mamas about yelling, anger, and generally “losing it” because I speak from experience. Tears and tantrums are a hot button for me and I have to be intentional to respond calmly. I’m a mama who likes to feel I’m in control of things – including my children’s emotions. Intellectually I understand that children are not mature emotionally and that they express their stress through tears.

In the past few weeks I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Naomi Aldort’s book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She has a wonderful technique she calls S.A.L.V.E. that help a parent like myself respond effectively to my emotional child.

At bedtime my little guy was psyched to get into his new summer jammies. After his bath he dried off and we pulled up the shorts – but they fell down to his ankles as soon as I let them go around his waist. Uh – Oh. I peeked at the size and instead of a “4″ I see “7.” Not a good thing with a little guy on the edge.

I explained to him that we had gotten the wrong size, knowing that this would send him into tears and upset. I tried to share with him that we would exchange the clothes the next day – but you know how ridiculous that sounds to a 4 year old! So, I practiced Naomi’s S.A.L.V.E. instead as I had all day – it is amazing and wonderful.

S – Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk.

My mind immediately was wanting to put words in my mouth and instead of saying the words, I thought them, allowed them and then recognized them as unhelpful and threw them out as rubbish. I was thinking, “oh no, here we go again. He’s being so unreasonable. How am I going to get him to just move on? I’m so done today.”

A – Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head, shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.

I looked at my little boy who was so crushed. I held him while he cried.

L – Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more.

We looked at one another and he said, “I want to wear my new jammies!” He said this a few times and I nodded my head and stayed close.

V – Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.

“You wanted to wear your new summer jammies and mommy got the wrong size and now you can’t wear them tonight.” I said this same thing several times in different ways, letting him know that I understood. He cried harder when he realized I understood and, in a way, giving him permission to be upset. But the tears began to subside and within just a few minutes he was calm.

E - Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him.

In this situation, it was best to pull out a t-shirt and some light pants as a replacement for the night. He was calm while he got dressed and said, “mom, can we get the new jammies afterschool tomorrow?” “Yep, I think that will work, buddy.”

The entire jammie scene was about 3-5 minutes. In the past, it may have been a lot worse as I may have tried to reason with him and tell him that I can’t get the jammies right this minute, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t want reason; he just wanted to be allowed to be disappointed and upset that he couldn’t wear them tonight. That’s life and it’s okay to have strong feelings – especially when we have the unconditional love of a parent to be there to support us through it.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, discipline, feelings, Naomi Aldort, self-discipline, The Will
Posted in discipline | 3 Comments »

Day 3: Allow Soul Fever to Run Its Course

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

We’ve been exploring the topic of soul fever in this series of creating a calmer family life. Once we’ve noticed that our child is out-of-sync and we intuitively feel they need some intentional down-time, we can briefly stop the normal routines, and stay close to our little one for support.

We’re so used to filling up our days with a task and to-do list that it can sound almost impossible to take a break from that daily roller coaster. But, again, think of a soul fever just like you would a physical fever. You know that pushing a sick child to keep going through the normal paces of life might result in a longer or more severe sickness. Well, I know how much you want a better sleeper, less picky eater, more cooperative, content child. What if slowing down and taking some things off your plate would help you achieve that?

It’s tempting to believe that a slow afternoon and a stint of book reading on the couch will break a soul fever and allow you to move back into full throttle once again. And you never know, a soul fever might end the moment you just notice and pay attention to it with a fresh perspective. More than likely, however, it will need to just run its course. This might be a day or two or it might mean examining what you can simplify in one of the 4 areas: environment, routines, schedules, or in-coming information through screens and adult conversation.

For us, it was evident that the soul fever was brought on by a daily school environment that was a mismatch with what we felt our child needed for her spirit to thrive. Switching schools may not be the answer, but advocating for your child with your child’s teacher might be. Young children do not need busy work at home. The homework our kindergartners and 1st graders are expected to complete is not developmentally appropriate. Most of the time, these worksheets are a repeat of what your child did that same day in school.

Extra-curricular activities like music lessons and team sports can wait, or at least be limited to one per week, per child. Ideally, team sports are more appropriate for children 9 and older and music lessons don’t need to be pursued until grade school. Try not to combine all of these activities for your child to do at the same time. For the fall, if you must, sign your child up for one activity and choose another for the spring, and another for summer.

Keep providing a slow, consistent, supportive environment for your child while their soul fever runs its course. Don’t schedule more play-dates during this time. Just because you received 2-3 birthday invitations in one weekend doesn’t mean you need to attend all of them! It’s okay to put limits around your schedule so your children have more free time and can experience boredom at least once each day. Good, healthy food and plenty of rest are the two most important things you can provide children under 7. Snacks of fruit, veggies, and protein, dinners that include fiber and greens and an early bed time are going to nurture that spirit back to harmony.

To read more about soul fever, be sure to purchase a copy of Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.

Tags: bedtime, Children Under Age 7, family culture, feelings, Kim John Payne, rhythm, routine, simplicity parenting, sleep, soul fever, The Will
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 3 Comments »

Day 2: 10 Days to a Calmer Family

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010

In my last post, Day 1: 10 Days to a Calmer Family, we talked about “soul fever.” Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, provides for us a road map to identify when our children are experiencing overwhelm from too much – too many choices, demands, tv, school pressure, and scheduling and not enough down time, free play, quiet, predictability, and creative boredom.

Perhaps you’ve taken some time and have noticed that your child has been out-of-sorts lately or perhaps they’ve been on this high-speed treadmill of life so long that soul fever has become the norm. Their frequent tantrums, crying, biting, hitting, aggression, defiance, sleep anxiety, and picky eating can all be signs of soul fever.

Just like when you pick up your little one and press your cool cheek to theirs and notice it burning up from a physical fever, a soul fever is noticeable. If you’re running on high speed, you may also be experiencing soul fever and you can easily miss what your child needs most.

When your little one is running a high temp you don’t take them to soccer or still go to the Saturday birthday party that was scheduled. You draw your little one close, put on those soft jammies, hold them, or put them to bed and stop all normal routines.

With soul fever, you may not need to get into jammies and go to bed, (although it might be fun to do!), but it is wise to stop the normal busy schedule and hunker down. Spending some slow time with your child for an afternoon or even a few days may be enough to break the soul fever. School may or may not need to be put on hold for a day or two. Intuitively, get a sense of what would help your child re-group.

Step 2 is all about slowing things down and ending the full throttle of activity. Our culture is busy, busy, busy. Taking this step to heart and treating a soul fever similarly to a physical fever is going to make all the difference. It’s so easy to fall into the cultural norm and sign up your preschooler for gymnastics or soccer, swimming lessons, and Suzuki violin.

Young children don’t need these extra activities. Just learning to play together is a skill they grasp during a play date or at the park. Scheduled activities aren’t necessary. Children become who they are by experiencing boredom and stretching out from that boredom into creative, spontaneous free play at home in their own yard or bedroom.

So often we over-schedule our children so that we don’t have to “entertain” them at home or to prevent them from becoming bored or because “it will build their self-esteem,” or because they begged and begged and in the back of your mind you worry that if you don’t start them in ballet by age 3, they won’t be as good as the other ballerinas.

By providing predictable routines at home that involve predictable meal times and free play, your child will experience those “golden moments” – just by watching a beetle crawl in the grass or lying on a blanket and watching cloud shapes go by. You don’t have to be a camp counselor or preschool teacher to be a mom at home. Some paper, crayons, scissors, glue, and tape – watch what can be created. Don’t be afraid to let them become who they’re meant to be in the unstructured hours at home.

Step 3 involves pulling your child close – both physically and emotionally. This can be a challenge if your child has been throwing you for some big emotional loops lately. The last thing you want to do is pull them towards you. It’s during these difficult times that they need you the most. Your willful child is the one you hold at a distance instinctively. We pull in those easy to snuggle, those cooperative children. I’m encouraging you to start the soul fever healing and stretch yourself by staying close to that fevered child.

Practice these first 3 steps – notice, slow down, and pull close – and I’ll walk you through the last step of soul fever in my next post.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, feelings, intention, Kim John Payne, preschool, simplicity parenting, soul fever
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 2 Comments »

10 Days To a Calmer Family: Day 1

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

Do you have those days too? Those days when you know your little one just isn’t him or herself?

I feel it coming on – it’s in the air of our home when our little ones need more rest, more down time, more slowness. Like a physical fever, they need me to be close, to stop the busyness of the household, to provide more snuggles.

I remember this past Fall when the signs of soul fever were particularly heightened for my 1st grader. She was coming home teary and sullen. Mornings were difficult as we packed her things for school. Unlike her typical cheerfulness, she was often pouty and defiant about going. It kept me up nights knowing that her spirit wasn’t being nourished and like a magnet, I felt her need to be close to me.

My husband and I both agreed that she wasn’t in the right learning environment and we pulled her out. She spent two weeks with me at home while we decided what to do about school. The exhaustion and sullenness slipped away within the first week of reading books on the couch, grocery shopping, playing with her little brother, and being creative. There were no more worksheets or homework deadlines, no more spelling tests. The cloud of overwhelm and hurriedness of 1st grade blew away and we were seeing a bluer sky; the fever broke.

We made a radical decision for her to attend the Emerson Waldorf school, just 15 minutes from our home. Within the first 3 days it was like having the warm and happy child we knew, back. It will be 5 months at Emerson come April. Frequently, she tells me how happy she is. It’s hard for her to decide what she loves most – handwork, painting, German, Spanish, and math. Beautiful images, verses, stories, and movement provide the lesson plans. The work that she was once just learning through just paper and pencil has come to life, inspires her, warms her heart. Her busy classroom of letters, numbers, a whiteboard, bookshelves of books, cartons of supplies, posters, star charts for classroom chores, writing journals, and marker drawings – all of this was replaced with a bigger classroom of simple desks and chairs, cubbies for a blanket and pillow for rest, a hook for her coat, a shelf for her lunch, muted pink-peach walls with one row of watercolor paintings by the children, a blackboard with a colorful chalk drawing, and a row of rain boots outside. Even her classroom environment was inviting, warm, and calm.

Not every family can pull their child from one school and send them elsewhere when they recognize soul fever. What you can do, is be aware and notice when your child is giving you signs that he or she is overwhelmed, perhaps out-of-sorts, more moody, or when their behavior is more challenging.

I think what can be particularly interesting to note is that children of today are, more than ever before, being asked to participate in life with a soul fever. Defiant behavior, sleep problems, picky eating, over-controlling behaviors, aggression, and school difficulties can all be a result of a soul fever. Sadly, parents may not recognize these as symptoms of something actually wrong, but accepting that this is who their child has become.

What is at the core of a soul fever? Too much. Too much stuff – toys and clutter, too many choices, too many demands, too many scheduled activities, and too much information much too soon through media and adult conversation. AND not enough. Not enough down time, not enough free play, not enough time without screens, not enough creativity, not enough boredom, not enough silence.

So your task for today is to Notice if your child has a soul fever. Just like when you notice signs of a physical fever, there are signs of a soul fever. Is your child pouting or disagreeable in a more extreme way than usual? I’m not talking about the normal ups and downs during a regular day that your child will exhibit. I’m talking about something that doesn’t feel right to you, as a mother. A soul fever lingers. If it’s hard to judge because things have been over-the-top for awhile now, it actually may be a very clear sign that your child is desperate for a break.

I’ll share your next step in my next post once you’ve identified and noticed soul fever in your child and you’ve determined that your child is clearly overwhelmed, even if they seem to be going full speed ahead.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, family culture, feelings, Kim John Payne, soul fever, Waldorf
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 6 Comments »

“But I don’t wanna go to school!” What To Do When Your Preschooler Clings to Your Leg

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

You know that I could only write this post if it were something that had happened to me, right? Yes, there I was this morning hoping that my 4 year old would have a pleasant attitude and pleasant good-bye for me today when we arrived at his morning preschool.

It’s amazing. We can go for days, sometimes even weeks with pleasant “good-byes.” I get a big hug and a kiss and he says, “Bye, mom! See you after lunch!” I walk away so proud and giddy, thinking, “Ah, he’s such a wonderful child, so easy to manage.”

Well, just when I was getting comfortable with parenting and all that I have learned and gained as a parent coach, he decides to declare that he “hates school” and that he “isn’t going.” Now, I have heard this before. I have even heard these same lines at home before drop-off only to be followed by the pleasant farewell. So, I recognize inconsistencies. I’m nobody’s fool.

While I’m nobody’s fool, I am somebody’s mama and that little somebody can sure do a number on me when he wraps his arms around my waist and his legs wrap around my calf and it feels like I have a boa constrictor inching up my body. This morning he clung to me and repeated, “I want to go home! I don’t want to go to school today!”

Okay, I had to think about this. He’s had a good night’s sleep (at least 11 hours) and a hearty breakfast (waffle and an egg), and he played for at least an hour this morning with his sister with kindness before we had to depart. Where was the upset coming from? I know that he enjoyed school yesterday; he told me about playing that they were aliens and he didn’t eat all of his yogurt because he was having so much fun on their picnic. Is there anything here I can see as troublesome or a red flag to cause this sudden desire to go home?

Nope. It’s just one of those days in the life with a young child who is learning about and using his will. I know he is loved and safe in his class and his teacher lovingly guided him to the table of paper and block crayons after my smiling and confident kiss and hug.

It is so tempting to linger and to wait it out and to get them settled, believe me, I know. But focusing on a consistent farewell routine will allow everyone to move on without a tremendous amount of drama. If your child is crying or screaming, it can be even more troubling.

Young children feel safe and secure when we are safe and secure. My son’s teachers tell me that as soon as I leave he becomes the 4 year old they know again and plays well and is happy. Knowing this, it is more difficult and much more traumatic if I allow my own emotions to get involved when he wraps his body around mine begging to take him home. If I linger and placate and assure him that I love him and wait for him to be settled and happy, I reinforce his own anxiety. Sweet and clean farewells help you, your child, and your child’s teacher.

I know that my son’s teachers will be loving and kind with him – I wouldn’t have him attend the school if they were otherwise. I know that he settles better once I am gone. Trust your preschool teachers (and if you don’t, you need a new preschool!) and trust that your young child will be just fine. Separations are part of growing up and your reunion will be all the sweeter.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, feelings, preschool, tantrums, The Will, transitions
Posted in crying | 2 Comments »

What To Do When Your Kid Behaves Badly

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to figure out how to respond to a real physical conflict between my daughter and a friend. Last weekend, I got my opportunity!

We have the most amazing and dear neighbors who moved in this past Fall. It was such a blessing to us because we live in the country and scheduling play dates for our kids is not always easy. I really missed the days when kids could knock on the door and ask to play after school.

Really, we couldn’t have lucked out more than we did with our new neighbors. Not only were they just down the gravel road from us, but the genders and ages are perfect for our kids. They have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy – just like us!

Once we established that the ages were a match we scheduled some after school play dates and discovered that the little group was very compatible. It’s been so much fun for us, as parents, and for the kids to have a connection so close by to another family.

Last weekend, all went fairly well on a typical play date at our home. The children played until their dad came to pick them up. Unfortunately, my daughter’s assertiveness turned into aggression toward her friend and in an effort to get her playmate to be quiet in their secret hiding spot, she smacked her with a broom out of frustration. Her friend wasn’t at all happy and she pushed my daughter and ran to her car to go home. To make matters worse, all of this “went down” outside of parental vision.

I’m thankful for my daughter’s fearless honesty and her desire to be forgiven. The whole story spilled out in a tumble of tears and remorse. I held her and companioned her through her feelings and her choice in expressing her anger with her friend. I know that many parents may believe that these incidents happen and that they just need to be patted away or scoffed as typical kid stuff. I wholeheartedly disagree. After learning about better ways to cope with conflict through Kim John Payne’s Social Inclusion work, I felt prepared to help the girls through this tiff.

These moments when our children are most troubled by their own moral choice is a great teachable moment in their life. How we confront our fear and embarrassment when we do something that is not kind or appropriate is a big life lesson. I explained to my daughter that I would call our neighbor’s and check in on her friend to see if she is alright and to find a time that we could all talk about what happened.

Of course, she was really scared and upset that I would call and talk about what she did. As my child’s spiritual mentor, it is necessary for me to help navigate through these scary and challenging moments for her. I assured her that no one was angry with her but that it is important that we let their family know that she is sorry for what she did.

So, I called and spoke to our fantastic neighbors. They shared that their child was very shaken and upset and not ready to talk about it. We agreed to hold off on a face-to-face meeting until the next morning.

An incident like this may not physically or emotionally affect your child, but for many it will. My own daughter was very stressed, anxious, and worried. To release her anxiety, we held her while she cried. The next morning we talked about our scheduled visit and she cried again.

With much reluctance she came with me and we sat together on the couch – the two moms and our daughters.

Me: “Girls, no one is in trouble. Something happened yesterday before you left and we want to talk about it. I. shared with me that she felt frustrated that you were talking when your dad came to pick you up because she wanted all of you to hide together so he wouldn’t find you. You were so excited that you kept talking and that’s when she hit you with the broom. What is your understanding?” [I'm looking at our neighbor's mom].

Neighbor’s Mom: “Yes, that sounds right. The girls were hiding and my daughter was very excited and didn’t stop talking and I. got nervous that they would be discovered so she hit her with the broom.”

Me: “Did we get the story right, girls?”

Both girls nodded, mine tearfully and burying herself into my side.

Me: “What would help make you feel better about this problem?” [I'm looking at my daughter's friend.]

Neighbor Child: “A sorry.”

My daughter: “I want to go home.”

Me: [Gently and with empathy]. “Okay, I., I know this hard; your friend needs to hear an apology. We want her to feel safe and happy again. I think it will help you too. We can go home as soon as you can tell your friend something from your heart.”

We waited a bit in a friendly silence, giving my daughter the space to have the courage to apologize. It was definitely not an easy moment for her. And then…

My daughter: [With unsolicited eye contact, gentleness, and conviction]. “I’m sorry P.”

It was a very sweet and honorable apology and her friend responded graciously with a “thank you.”

Within a few minutes the girls were laughing and having fun again and the incident was behind them. Later, in the car, my daughter confided in me and said, “Mom, that was really embarrassing.” I nodded and replied, “I know sweetie. I’m so proud of you for showing so much courage in being honest about making a mistake and facing your friend to tell her you’re sorry. That was really brave.”

I believe I’m just at the beginning of a new stage with my daughter. There are new challenges for us and I’m having to dig deep for a new level of compassion, self-discipline, and understanding myself.

Tags: choices, communication, companioning, consequences, discipline, fears, feelings, listening, self-discipline, teaching
Posted in discipline | No Comments »

Snowy Days

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

This has been a rough week here for the Peirce kids. We live in North Carolina and the last time we saw this much snow was about 6 years ago.

It started to snow last Friday night just at the tail end of my son’s 4th birthday and it didn’t stop snowing until Saturday afternoon. It was a magical morning for the children and we had so much fun romping in the snow for just a bit.

It would have been great fun to stay out longer but we’re just not very equipped for snow here in Chapel Hill. We had our rain boots and soft, inadequate mittens, layers of pants (no snow pants), and several pairs of socks. Obviously, we got cold very quickly!

The children did well Saturday and Sunday. But then the news came…school was canceled Monday, then Tuesday, and then…Wednesday too. It didn’t take long for there to be lots of tears and frustration from being together in tight quarters for way too long!

Fortunately, I was preparing for my Managing Mommy Anger tele-class and had every opportunity to practice keeping my own cool! Something I am learning again and again when there are sibling squabbles is to allow both parties to be heard. It’s tempting for me to interrupt or correct the tale being shared about the altercation. I bite my lip and focus on listening.

I sit down and invite both children to sit with me, to tell their side of what happened. After tearful sharing, I nod and invite them to share what they would like their sibling to do that would make them feel better. Encouraging them both to problem solve has been an interesting journey. Sometimes it ends in uncontrollable laughter or an angry demand or complete indifference. Just providing the space and a listening ear seems to diffuse the drama.

I have to admit, I’m really grateful snow days are few and far between! How are you and your little ones managing cabin fever?

Tags: Children Under Age 7, communication, discipline, feelings, listening, self-discipline, teaching
Posted in sibling rivalry | 1 Comment »

What To Do When Your Child Sucks Their Thumb or Clothes

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Question From L.:

My 4 year old son has recently started chewing the neck of his shirts until they are saturated with saliva throughout the day (I can’t connect the behavior with any particular situation). He has also started putting his fingers in his mouth or sucking his thumb, but only when I read to him. We’ve tried to say “a dry shirt is a happy shirt…”, but this doesn’t really help him to stop and we are concerned that it is just bringing attention to a behavior that we’d like to see stop. We just ignore the fingers/thumb in the mouth. I’ve also tried talking to him about feelings, “sometimes we worry….”, but he doesn’t acknowledge any of these feelings. Thoughts? or am I the one that just needs to stop worrying?

Thanks, L.

Raelee’s Suggestion:

Hi L.,

These self soothing behaviors result, as you intuitively felt, from pent up feelings. Feeling safe to express and release stress and tension is a skill for all of us to master. I know as mamas that we strive to model this as best as we can, but it can be a challenge.

Ultimately, your 4 year-old needs to channel his need to relieve his stress and tension (something we all have on a daily basis) through crying or tantruming or raging. I know that this kind of behavior can be very stressful for a parent. I’m learning more and more how critical it is for us to recognize crying as a way young children “discharge” their stress.

Yesterday, for example, Keaton, my own 4 year old, wasn’t feeling well and being “off” was causing him a lot of stress. I knew that sleeping would be key to him feeling better and so I gently but firmly, without yelling or even feeling anger, held him on my bed in my arms until his tears and rage about taking a nap subsided into sleep. He tantrumed for 30 minutes, all the while I validated him, “I know you’re really upset and angry that you need sleep to get better. You want to play and you don’t want to rest.” I was very detached from his emotions – they were not triggering my anger or frustration – I was just present, knowing that he needs to release this pent up stress in order to get it all out. He woke up from a deep nap and had a wonderful, peaceful evening, renewed.

Last night, I felt really overwhelmed and hurt by an extended family situation. Usually I would distract myself from the stress of the day and choose to eat for comfort or just go to sleep. But I allowed myself to be present with my feelings about things and I allowed myself to have a really good cry until I had no more tears (obviously, this was not in the presence of my children). I woke up this morning feeling so much better!

Depending on how much your son has to discharge (one only can cry so much if allowed to completely let it out), he may tantrum (crying, being upset – not hurting himself, you, or property) for up to 90 minutes or less. To allow him to actually release and let go of the thumb and collar sucking, it would require allowing him to discharge.

Don’t yank out his thumb or his collar. Tap his thumb and see if he would be comfortable with you slowly pulling it out while saying, “Sweetie, you don’t need this, it’s okay to cry or be upset sometimes.” Sometimes just communicating and doing this will allow him to start discharging. If he would let you hold him while crying, that would be great, but sometimes by 4 that’s not possible. Stay with him and validate his feelings as he lets out his tears. If it triggers anger to hear him raging, you can see if you can allow yourself to cry rather than yell or start to feel controlling. It’s okay to discharge together.

This could be an option of getting him to let go of these stress outlets and for him to understand more how his strong feelings are okay and acceptable. I know it sounds a bit odd and even stressful. However, I have to say, that since I’ve been practicing this with Isabel and Keaton and myself, there is less whining and edginess in general. The kids cry when they need to in a way that isn’t so explosive as it had been in the past. It feels like we’re coming into a balance.

If ignoring it seems like a better way for you right now, that’s fine too; you may need to build up to this approach. Delaying his need to discharge may mean that he may give up the collar and thumb sucking eventually but that pent up stress and tension manifest in other ways as children get older – usually other negative behaviors. It would be a great advantage to you and to him if you could think about this idea of discharging now, rather than later.

Need More Information? Read this article about Understanding Your Child’s Feelings at Parenting With Presence.

I hope this is helpful.

Warmly,

Tags: Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, communication, feelings, fortitude, intention, self-discipline, tantrums
Posted in tantrums and crying | No Comments »

Part 2: Getting Wee Ones to Sleep

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Ever noticed a lot of upset in the late afternoon before dinner and bedtime? You may have had a wonderful day with the children, a few snafoos, but for the most part, a pleasant day. Late afternoon, just before dinner and what occurs? Crying over little things – it might be a broken crayon or big sister sat at the dinner table first…

Crying and tantruming are not behaviors parents are comfortable with in their children. From the time our children were babies we’ve been taught to soothe them as much as possible, to eliminate crying, to fix what is wrong.

I invite you to explore the possibility that by eliminating the release of tension and stress that crying allows our children, that we are ultimately encouraging more whiny, demanding, unsatisfied, frustrated, and angry children.

Think about stress and anxiety for a minute. As a culture do we release our stress and anxiety in healthy ways? The Biggest Loser is one of America’s favorite shows. America is facing an obesity epidemic. So, it’s clear that food is one way we may be dealing with our feelings. Anti-depressant usage among adults, teens, and children are at an all-time high. We are seeing more and more high profile celebrities becoming diagnosed as sex addicts. Alcoholism and illegal and prescription drug use continues to be another way individuals cope with their emotions.

What does all of this have to do with getting your young children to sleep?

Everything.

Understanding how young children express their feelings is important knowledge for you to have as a parent so you know how you can begin creating healthy and safe ways for your child to express happiness, sadness, and even anger.

Author and parent educator, Aletha Solter explains that “there are 4 primary ways in which children cope with stress:

talking,
symbolic play,
laughter,
and crying (including raging).”

Young children will use symbolic play, laughter, crying & raging as their initial stress-release tools and as they mature, they will talk more about their feelings.

Certainly, parents encourage their children to laugh and play and talk to release energy and stress. However, parents are not as comfortable with their child’s crying and raging because there is a false belief that their child will feel better if they would only stop crying.

“Children will not feel better until they have been allowed to cry and rage as much as needed.” ~ Aletha Solter

Okay, I know what you’re thinking here. You’re thinking, “are you crazy? I’m not going to let my kid scream his head off because his crayon broke.”

Whining, frustration, hitting, biting, defiance…hmmm…is it not interesting to think that these negative behaviors are linked to a child’s pent up stress? Let’s think about this as it applies to your own life. You’ve had a horrible day, nothing is going right – your computer crashed, your car won’t start, you feel a head cold coming on, then, your 3 year old is joyously running through the house with a full glass of milk and spills it all over the couch. You hit a wall on a day like this when you just explode – you, in a very real way, have your own tantrum.

Well, young children, even when a day has gone well (from our perspective), are experiencing stresses and anxiety. They’re learning new things, short separations from their caregiver, over-stimulation from an outing or from media, experience an undesirable consequence, lack of attention, illness, getting hurt…

You do the best that you can to create a stress-free, simple childhood for your kids but the sources of your child’s stress are not always easy for you to detect. You don’t know until a crying jag or tantrum that a change in routine or a new friend could have caused your child anxiety or stress.

So, a typical time of the day for your child to release these tensions through, specifically crying, is between 4pm-8pm. Instead of punishing or shaming your child for crying, let it run its course. Accept the crying as part of the release. Respond in a way that allows the child to fully release. Once you’ve met their basic needs, recognize that allowing crying to occur will bring better, less restless sleep. You want to your child to release feelings through healing tears. Firm, but loving holding is a great way to help your young child to let go. It’s much more comforting and nurturing than sending your child to their room or to the corner for a “time-out.”

From Parenting With Presence:

“I prefer to support my nearly three year old daughter to vent her feelings daily, often in the evening before she goes to sleep. When she doesn’t have a cry for three or four days, she starts showing that she has unexpressed feelings. She takes a long time to go to sleep even when she is tired, and moves a lot during the night. During the day she seems agitated, gets easily frustrated, and avoids being close. On the other hand, when she has a cry every day or two, she easily goes to sleep lying beside me when she is tired, is relaxed throughout the night, and happy and alert during the day. She concentrates for long periods and enjoys cuddles and closeness. Time and again the differences reassure me that crying in my arms contributes significantly to her daily well-being.”

Do you have questions about this theory? I will be sharing with you more about it and how it can support your intentional mothering ways.

Tags: Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, discipline, feelings, sleep, tantrums, toddler
Posted in Uncategorized, sleep | 3 Comments »

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