discipline « Noble Mother

Posts Tagged ‘discipline’

What Gets In The Way of Connecting With Your Child?

Monday, June 20th, 2011

Before I had my children I worked as a Parent Educator for women healing from drug addiction. Some of them had their children taken away from them, some were pregnant, many had babies under 1 year old while in the program. I had so much empathy and compassion for the women; their stories were tragic and painful and filled with injustices. My role to play in their lives was to help them learn parenting skills that would help them break the cycle of abuse they had fallen victim. My mind wanders back to them often because I know better than to believe that it is parenting skills that these wounded mothers needed. They needed to heal from the lack of secure attachment they had with their own mothers and learn better how to create that secure attachment between themselves and their own children.

Unfortunately, living in our culture today, you don’t have to be a recovering drug addict to be a mother who doesn’t know how to create connection between you and your child. The message mothers receive today is all about detaching from their little ones from the earliest moments.

Child carriers start mothers off in disconnecting from their babies. Moms have been lured by the ease of transporting their little ones from the house, to the car, to the mall or friend’s home or doctor’s office – their babies “content” to sit in this chair for the duration of the time they spend shopping or visiting. For healthy baby brain development infants must have interaction through holding, eye contact, and movement. Babies have a short range of vision – roughly from your chest to your face. When they are strapped into a carrier, rocked in the seat when they fuss or stifled by a pacifier, or their bottle propped at feeding times, the baby’s sensory and relationship abilities are not able develop in the same way a baby who is held, rocked in your arms, fed while gazing into your eyes.

Time-Outs are one of the discipline techniques that are damaging, not helping, parents to connect with their children. Super Nanny and Nanny 911 have popularized this discipline strategy so that most parents who identify themselves as alternative or positive discipline or gentle discipline families would say it is their #1 parenting tool. Day care centers and preschools and elementary schools use time-out as well. Unfortunately, isolation increases a child’s anxiety, distrust, and feelings of shame. For children who are well-connected to their parents, time-out appears to have the gentle affect the parent is looking for – the child stops their behavior – but the strategy is toying with the child’s attached feelings for you; yes, they desire to be close to you and if you threaten that security, that connection, a healthy child will obey out of the fear of losing that closeness. Parents are using time-out, thinking that it is an idea for the child to regain calm, to find a quiet place for himself, not realizing or knowing that they are communicating “when you need me most, I will be the furthest from you.” For parents with children who are more consistently challenging, this is a red flag of the deep need for the connection between parent and child to be healed, not further threatened by punitive isolation which will only increase the child’s disconnect, anxiety of being separated, and feelings of shame for being so “bad” that they are denied yet again of your help and comfort.

Lack of presence is common in the hurry that is now life. Being fully engaged with full body listening, taking the time to be respectful and courteous, finding the “yes” more easily than the “no”, really being in the present moment with your child rather than in the past-this must define life more than the race of the clock. Children know when your mind is wandering back to the office or to your to-do list. Sadly, it isn’t that children demand a parent’s full attention 24/7 (unless they’ve been denied your presence, then they are driven to fulfill the unmet need) – they merely seek the consistency of the little moments through a day – a story together on the couch, a snuggle after nap, holding hands on a morning walk, a smile at breakfast… Children are exhibiting more clinging, difficulty to separate, demanding of their parents to play and entertain them behaviors than ever before. This behavior may be a result of parents unknowingly “pushing their children away” by trying to ensure their kids are never bored (which may lead to the child being unhappy-see the note about “harmony addicted” below) by buying their kids more toys, scheduling more activities, playdates with peers, screen time – anything to appease the child as he seems insatiable, literally obsessed with needing attention and entertainment at every moment.

Too much screen time. Children who are less attached are more inclined to seek screens. Screens don’t require the child to be socially responsive. A child who is uncooperative and challenging for a parent can be quieted and appeased with screens which is why this can be such a difficult activity to avoid or monitor for a parent who is overwhelmed or feels a lack of joy from the relationship with their child and needs more breaks away from the child than time with her. The screens help the parent achieve some time of peace and quiet while, unfortunately, also increasing the child’s lack of attention and attachment to others.

Mothers and fathers who are harmony addicted will struggle more often with their children. There’s a common belief in today’s parenting that a healthy child is a happy, content child who doesn’t express disappointment through tears and tantrums. Many parents will go to extremes to prevent their child from their own upset by removing limits and boundaries. The child whimpers and the parent fixes, saves, and makes everything right as rain again for their little one so that the child doesn’t have a realistic perspective on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior nor that real life has bumps and valleys that can be survived and conquered. If the parent does set a limit, “we have to go now, love, the pool is closing,” the parent often will appease the child with a bribe, “no worries, you don’t need to cry, we can get some ice cream on the way home.” Limits and boundaries create security and trust for children. Parents can establish these limits using clear and sensitive parental authority and comfort their child by staying close and assuring them, “it’s not easy having to end the pool fun; no worries, we’ll get through this together my sweet boy.”

Sensory Processing Disorder or other disorders on the Autism spectrum. Sometimes we’ve done everything humanly possible to create connection with our little one and they struggle because there is something else going on for them. Because our culture emphasizes normal or above normal behavior equal to how intelligent a child is, many parents unnecessarily struggle with their young child who is exhibiting some of these characteristics. No one likes to be labeled and many parents worry that a diagnosis would require their child to take drugs. What if there was information that would help you better understand your child’s challenges? Always be informed and strive to know more about what is happening with your child than anyone else. There is nothing shameful about seeking help for your child. The younger your child is when you seek support and help, the better he or she will be. Please don’t deny your child help out of your own desire to remain convinced that due to your child’s intelligence, he or she must be “normal.”

Where can you begin to either

1. Continue to strengthen your connectedness with your child, or

2. Heal your relationship with your child? or

3. Understand more about autistic disorders that may be interfering with your secure attachment?

Stepping toward a new lifestyle. What I’m suggesting to the parents I support is a lifestyle change. Are you intrigued and willing to live counter-culture? Do you want to find out the steps to take to create a different family culture or tweak or receive support for living counter-culture? You may want to think about joining me in my next Virtual Parenting Group where you meet other parents beginning or continuing this path through group coaching calls, a group forum, supportive coaching videos, audios, and reflective content using Simplicity Parenting as our foundation to dive deeper into creating a family of parents and children who enjoy the company of the other now and into the tween, teen, and adult years. You’re so fortunate that you can start now, while your children are still so young. Enhancing and healing the connection between you and your child is within a grasps reach, mama.

In addition to creating a new lifestyle, parents who suspect their child may fall on the autism spectrum, can review this list of resources for more support and help.

Tags: autism, discipline, secure attachment, simplicity parenting, tantrums
Posted in attachment, simplicity, tantrums and crying | 5 Comments »

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

I’m working this summer from home in the mornings and I did feel so organized and blessed to have a mother’s helper until her schedule changed and I had to come up with Plan B. Plan B is shaky and interesting. It involves my 7 year old keeping my 4 year old busy with crafts and stories and snacks! Today was day one of Plan B.

My daughter was wonderful. She had stories planned, a lovely art activity, … She felt secure in creating her own rhythm for her brother. Unfortunately, the rhythm didn’t feel secure enough for my 4 year old and I could tell that he was overwhelmed by choices and the feeling that I was unavailable, despite my physical presence in the same room.

It’s so common for parents to believe that we are respecting our young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power we are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them, can be the reason for tantrums and defiance, and ultimately, if continued over time, can develop a little one into the family bully or tyrant.

Developmentally, young children under age 7 need us to be the benevolent Kings and Queens of the home. We provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next. It is clear that my little boy needs Plan B to have more structure, more emotional availability from me to him. So tomorrow I will be guiding them both through the morning. “You may have outdoor play for a little while on the trampoline and then it will be time for some drawing inside.” A little structure and guidance will open a window for him to feel more creative later in the morning when he might get bored, and as in those brilliant boredom moments of the past, create a game by himself or with his sister.

I think more parents in our generation believe that our children should have choices throughout the day - about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.

It is so tempting to allow our little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily we can let ourselves give into their demands, if we aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.

Just yesterday my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing and ran to me, “She hit me!” I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”"

When my 4 year old gets frustrated with me and starts to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach him how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family.”

Are you giving your little one too many choices?

Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?

Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, our princes and princesses are happier when we confidently and wisely take the lead.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, discipline, feelings, imitation, motherhood, tantrums, The Will, working mom
Posted in discipline | No Comments »

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

It’s hot here in North Carolina and my 4 year old has been wearing his flannel pajamas. It was timely to get some summer pajamas on sale. He picked out a short and t-shirt set with sharks on it. It was one of the bright spots in his day; there was a lot going on for him emotionally – may be due to lack of sleep or a build up of stress. Little things were setting him off into tears.

I share a lot of assistance to mamas about yelling, anger, and generally “losing it” because I speak from experience. Tears and tantrums are a hot button for me and I have to be intentional to respond calmly. I’m a mama who likes to feel I’m in control of things – including my children’s emotions. Intellectually I understand that children are not mature emotionally and that they express their stress through tears.

In the past few weeks I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Naomi Aldort’s book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She has a wonderful technique she calls S.A.L.V.E. that help a parent like myself respond effectively to my emotional child.

At bedtime my little guy was psyched to get into his new summer jammies. After his bath he dried off and we pulled up the shorts – but they fell down to his ankles as soon as I let them go around his waist. Uh – Oh. I peeked at the size and instead of a “4″ I see “7.” Not a good thing with a little guy on the edge.

I explained to him that we had gotten the wrong size, knowing that this would send him into tears and upset. I tried to share with him that we would exchange the clothes the next day – but you know how ridiculous that sounds to a 4 year old! So, I practiced Naomi’s S.A.L.V.E. instead as I had all day – it is amazing and wonderful.

S – Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk.

My mind immediately was wanting to put words in my mouth and instead of saying the words, I thought them, allowed them and then recognized them as unhelpful and threw them out as rubbish. I was thinking, “oh no, here we go again. He’s being so unreasonable. How am I going to get him to just move on? I’m so done today.”

A – Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head, shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.

I looked at my little boy who was so crushed. I held him while he cried.

L – Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more.

We looked at one another and he said, “I want to wear my new jammies!” He said this a few times and I nodded my head and stayed close.

V – Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.

“You wanted to wear your new summer jammies and mommy got the wrong size and now you can’t wear them tonight.” I said this same thing several times in different ways, letting him know that I understood. He cried harder when he realized I understood and, in a way, giving him permission to be upset. But the tears began to subside and within just a few minutes he was calm.

E - Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him.

In this situation, it was best to pull out a t-shirt and some light pants as a replacement for the night. He was calm while he got dressed and said, “mom, can we get the new jammies afterschool tomorrow?” “Yep, I think that will work, buddy.”

The entire jammie scene was about 3-5 minutes. In the past, it may have been a lot worse as I may have tried to reason with him and tell him that I can’t get the jammies right this minute, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t want reason; he just wanted to be allowed to be disappointed and upset that he couldn’t wear them tonight. That’s life and it’s okay to have strong feelings – especially when we have the unconditional love of a parent to be there to support us through it.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, discipline, feelings, Naomi Aldort, self-discipline, The Will
Posted in discipline | 3 Comments »

Day 10: Simplifying Discipline

Monday, April 12th, 2010

We’ve reached our last post in this series of how to create a calmer family life. We can’t end without thinking about how we can discipline our children with more ease.

It’s been extremely helpful for me to re-think discipline in our home after listening to The Soul of Discipline by Kim Payne. As a parent coach and educator I’ve participated in numerous parenting workshops and programs. All these curriculums led me down a path of setting limits and providing my children opportunities that supposedly helped them learn the wisdom of making good and bad choices. These common parenting tools include behavior modification and behavior management, systems of consequences – both logical and natural. You could hear me often say, “We’ll go to the park as soon as the toys are cleaned up.”

It didn’t happen every time, but on occassion, one of my children would “buck this system” and say, “Okay, I’m not cleaning up because I don’t want to go to the park anyway.”

Meanwhile, the other child would start crying because he would be ready to do his part in cleaning so he could be “rewarded” by the trip to the park.

Essentially, I was giving my children the choice to clean up, a chore that is something I expect them to do because it’s just what we do after we are done playing.

Many might say my daughter’s behavior is high-spirited or willful for twisting the situation into something so self-serving and seeing the loop hole to get out of cooperating.

Hmmm…or maybe she just learned the great art of manipulation from a master – her own mother! Isn’t it manipulative to offer a reward “only if you do what I say” kind of choice?

So, obviously, I don’t promote nor do I believe that manipulating my kids is good parenting.

My young children need my guidance, wisdom, and clarity to help them behave appropriately so that one day, they will be able to be self-disciplined enough to make their own healthy decisions. Essentially what I’ve come to understand is that negotiations, rewards, consequences, and deals have no place in disciplining young children.

My parenting-with-choices-approach was confusing because they really weren’t choices at all. When I linked cleaning up with a “deal” of rewarding the kids with a trip to the park, I was implying that if the reward wasn’t something they wanted then cleaning up wasn’t something they actually had to do.

So, instead of using “If, Then” parenting, I simply provide my young kids with my expectations and my instructions. Providing them with skills to complete tasks and having expectations of responsibility, is simply allowing them to see what we’re doing and how we’re doing it.

Now you can hear me say, “It’s time to clean up, guys.” I know I need to stay close and I show them that we are all in this together as a family, by helping and directing until the task is complete. Cleaning up is just part of our family chores and there are no deals that need to be created in order to convince them to do it. I direct them through the process by providing them with small, do-able tasks one at at a time – “Put all the silks in the basket.”

If there is resistance, which there was in the beginning, I merely repeat myself, stay calm, believe in my authority and guidance and insist on compliance without yelling. “Yes, Keats, this is what we’re doing right now. Let’s get it done.” It’s about being a good supervisor and knowing that it is my job to guide them. I’m not worried that my kids don’t like to clean up and that it might make them angry when I insist that they do it. It’s not about being a bully or a dictator. It’s about teaching my children responsibility and co-operation. Confidence and clear expectations really do go a long way. It’s SO tempting to bribe or threaten when your authority is doubted by a 3 foot being with a loud “No!” But mama, it is your job to put your experience and wisdom into practice and stand your ground with a gentle firmness. I really am a rock and without the “deals,” I am seeing the fruits of my clarity – there’s a lot more cooperation happening around here in a lot less time.

Because I recognize teaching my children that they will follow through with each request, I am noticing the following …

I make fewer requests – which means I don’t get sick of my own voice as much!
The requests I do make are heard and there is 100% follow-through.
We spend more time together – since I can’t make a request and walk away – my job is to be there to help them put their shoes on or take their bowl to the sink or get their clothes on in the morning -it may sound exhausting, but I only make the requests that I have the energy to ensure follow-through, if I don’t, then I don’t ask.
A lot less power struggles. Since I’m not rewarding the kids with a story or a dessert or an outing…etc. if they complete xyz task, discipline is just easier. I don’t have to make any promises and a story or a dessert or an outing is its own reward and a task is something they do because I requested it.

Mama, there’s a lot here to think about. A lot of this is in my Free Report that you received when you signed up for my Free Tool Box. If you never received it (be sure that you’ve confirmed your opt-in when you registered – you have to click on your subscription in that first email you receive from me to become confirmed) or if you haven’t read it, be sure to check it out!

Tags: assertiveness, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, intention, listening, self-discipline, simplicity parenting, teaching, The Will
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 1 Comment »

Your New Super Power: Predictability

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I know that if someone told me that I could see more cooperation, less tantrums, and find more peace with a brand new super power, I would be the first in line. The good news is that you can claim your super power and can start reaping the benefits in a very short time.

The bad news is that it does require you to pull in a bit, shuffle some things around, and invite the thought to let some things go. Are you willing to try it in order to see what might transpire in your home with your young children?

Children thrive on predictability. One of the things that has helped me is understanding that our children think in pictures. They really need these visual images to help them understand what is happening, what you expect, and what it is exactly you want them to do. So, for example, on Mondays at our regular play date it can be really difficult for my son to be ready to go when it’s time. Instead of just announcing, “Okay, it’s time to go now,” I will prepare him in advance.

“Keats, in 5 minutes we’re going to get off the trampoline, get our coats on, and say good-bye.” I try to be brief but specific about each step. My goal is to create a visual image of him doing each thing that will lead us to the exit.

I know that there are families that really struggle with creating predictable rhythms. What is great to understand is that you don’t have to have your whole day mapped out in order for this super power to take affect. Create one or two things that you can create for your children that happens every day that is the same, predictable ritual. Meal times and bed times are a great place to start. If you can’t have a predictable dinner time, choose to have a predictable bed time.

One of our own mamas in the noblemother community shared this experience she had with her 3 year old this past weekend when they altered the Saturday morning routine. It’s truly amazing how balanced and even-tempered our children can become, the more rhythmical our days are. We can fully understand the power of the routine when we change things up!

Perhaps that’s one reason you haven’t wanted to create predictable routines in your family – you want your children to be able to adapt to the winds of change and to be spontaneous. I think on some level, we can all say that leading this unpredictable lifestyle day-in and day-out is stressful. Finding more rhythm for yourself will bring you more peace and a feeling of control which provides all of us with security.

Young children under age 7 respond well to routines. Here are some ideas for setting up daily routines that can help young children comply with the every day tasks…

- Create a special wake up routine. This might include kisses on the cheeks and a song.

“Good morning sun, good morning sun!
The night is gone, the day’s begun.
I’m certain while we work and play that God with help us through the day!”

- Light a candle for breakfast and let the children take turns blowing it out each day.
- Have the children practice their instruments (if they have them) after breakfast, rather than the afternoon.
- Before they get their coats on, have them check the outdoor thermometer.
- Set an egg timer while they brush their teeth or have them hum the Happy Birthday song.
- Incorporate movement and song as much as you can around things like washing their hands, setting the table, getting dressed, saying “good-night.”
- Keep afternoons reserved for free play – bike riding, outdoor play, a walk – rather than consistently scheduled. One scheduled activity per week is more than enough for young children.
- Have them put their clothes out the night before they go to sleep.
-Don’t be afraid of letting your kids get bored. Boredom leads children toward creativity. Without enough downtime, they may never have the opportunity to really let their imaginations soar or their creativity bloom.

I’d love for you to share some of your own helpful daily rituals with us. What routine has brought your family joy and more peacefulness?

Want to read more about predictability and rhythm? Check Out This Book!

Tags: Children Under Age 7, discipline, family culture, rhythm, routine, simplicity parenting
Posted in rhythm | No Comments »

Develop Your Child’s Strong Will, Really!

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

The Will is the first developmental stage for our young children ages 0-9. This explains why it is so difficult for mamas to reign in these little ones, to guide these “will forces.” It is most important during these early years for your little one to be active.

Helping your young child to be active and in their body is vital to their healthy growth, rather than overwhelming them with more advanced thinking with early reading, spelling, and math tasks and games. I actually find this freeing and helpful in keeping life with little ones much more simple.

Children during this stage think in pictures. Their thinking is not logical, intellectual, or abstract. At ages 3 and 4 our children are filled with questions. All that is needed are simple direct answers without too much detail. Questioning and believing are the methods by which they learn. Knowing and understanding come later. Storytelling can replace teaching your child more advanced thinking skills. Telling your child stories allows their brain the opportunity to create pictures and to develop a fertile imagination.

Following the natural development process of our child will allow them to fully flourish at each stage without stress or pressure.

Our young children see the world much differently than we do. Children gain an adult consciousness gradually. This gradual “awakening” can be referred to as “incarnating.” “Incarnating” means coming into the body or into earthly life. Essentially, if a child does not come into their body, he remains childlike. Incarnating occurs naturally and should not be rushed or slowed.

After my weekend of Simplicity Parenting training, I’m understanding the full scope of our good intentions to enrich our children’s lives. Your 3 year old loves ballet or soccer or gymnastics – or your 4 year old is spelling and reading. It takes so much more intention for parents, of our generation, to hold our children back from what our children seem to “want” or what they seemed “gifted” to do. Inadvertently, in hopes of enriching our children’s lives, we are, in fact, pushing our little ones into adult consciousness, rushing them toward incarnating too quickly.

What are the consequences? We may see more behavioral challenges – defiance, biting, hitting, tantrums – or even labeling of ADHD, ADD, etc. The reason it can manifest in these ways is because being rushed toward adult consciousness, or toward “awakening” is stressful for the spirit.

During childhood, time exists in the moment and the “tasks” of running, swinging, spinning, playing, and imagining are, in this day, being replaced. Due to our own addiction to being busy, we are replacing the dreamy state of childhood with too much screen time, scheduled classes and sports, and unpredictable fast meals and bedtimes.

Our children are born into a dreamy, stream-of-consciousness, a zen-like place – a golden room. Young children have the capacity to be truly in the moment. They are not burdened by the past or the future. They have no concept of a “to-do” list of tasks that need to be completed.

They can’t understand what waiting for 10 minutes actually means nor do they really grasp the concept of “grandpa gets back from his trip in 3 days.” In the dreamy golden room, time is only understood in the “now.”

According to Kim John Payne in his CD The Soul of Discipline, The Will stage of development is about doing, moving, growing, coordinating. Our kids learn things by…

repetition: discipline is easier when you recognize that you will repeat rules, instructions, and requests because it is part of this developing stage.
doing: if our children are only “told” to do something we will see that this rarely works as well as showing them what we want them to do. They need to move; sitting still for this younger age is not an appropriate expectation; short time of being still can be practiced in order to help them become better at it.
imitating: they negotiate, yell at us, and say “no” because they do what they see and hear. When we become more self-disciplined, rhythmical, predictable, and more peaceful, so will they.

I think all of us would agree in this community of intentional mamas, unlike generations in the past once demanded, we aren’t looking for “blind obedience.” We do recognize our children as unique individuals whom we do not want to manipulate nor control. We want our children to make good, healthy choices and we want them to be intrinsically motivated.

Our young children thrive on knowing what we expect, how to make the right choices, and how to behave appropriately in different situations.

I think it’s also safe to say that we want to help our child develop a healthy will. What do I mean by a healthy will?

Before I left on my trip last week to Seattle, I was exercising regularly and my body was accustomed to the daily stretching and resistance; I was able to work harder and harder each day. When I returned after 5 days without exercising and I started my workout the day I got back, I was shocked at how weak and slow I felt. It felt like my muscles weren’t as strong and I had to start at a lower level of activity than I was at before I left. My muscles were weak.

The same can be true of a child in these early years who will not take direction nor comply to a request. This is not the description of a child with a strong will. In fact, this child is exhibiting a weak will, just like my muscles after a spell of not being worked out, this child needs to practice meeting resistance. A parent can be assured that their little one is needing more of their consistent limits and reasonable expectations and rhythmical predictability, not through punishment, but through staying close and helping the child to follow-through with the tasks.

Stay tuned for more insights, mama. This is truly just the beginning!

Tags: Children Under Age 7, communication, discipline, Kim John Payne, listening, rhythm, simplicity parenting, The Will, Waldorf
Posted in discipline | 4 Comments »

What To Do When Your Kid Behaves Badly

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to figure out how to respond to a real physical conflict between my daughter and a friend. Last weekend, I got my opportunity!

We have the most amazing and dear neighbors who moved in this past Fall. It was such a blessing to us because we live in the country and scheduling play dates for our kids is not always easy. I really missed the days when kids could knock on the door and ask to play after school.

Really, we couldn’t have lucked out more than we did with our new neighbors. Not only were they just down the gravel road from us, but the genders and ages are perfect for our kids. They have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy – just like us!

Once we established that the ages were a match we scheduled some after school play dates and discovered that the little group was very compatible. It’s been so much fun for us, as parents, and for the kids to have a connection so close by to another family.

Last weekend, all went fairly well on a typical play date at our home. The children played until their dad came to pick them up. Unfortunately, my daughter’s assertiveness turned into aggression toward her friend and in an effort to get her playmate to be quiet in their secret hiding spot, she smacked her with a broom out of frustration. Her friend wasn’t at all happy and she pushed my daughter and ran to her car to go home. To make matters worse, all of this “went down” outside of parental vision.

I’m thankful for my daughter’s fearless honesty and her desire to be forgiven. The whole story spilled out in a tumble of tears and remorse. I held her and companioned her through her feelings and her choice in expressing her anger with her friend. I know that many parents may believe that these incidents happen and that they just need to be patted away or scoffed as typical kid stuff. I wholeheartedly disagree. After learning about better ways to cope with conflict through Kim John Payne’s Social Inclusion work, I felt prepared to help the girls through this tiff.

These moments when our children are most troubled by their own moral choice is a great teachable moment in their life. How we confront our fear and embarrassment when we do something that is not kind or appropriate is a big life lesson. I explained to my daughter that I would call our neighbor’s and check in on her friend to see if she is alright and to find a time that we could all talk about what happened.

Of course, she was really scared and upset that I would call and talk about what she did. As my child’s spiritual mentor, it is necessary for me to help navigate through these scary and challenging moments for her. I assured her that no one was angry with her but that it is important that we let their family know that she is sorry for what she did.

So, I called and spoke to our fantastic neighbors. They shared that their child was very shaken and upset and not ready to talk about it. We agreed to hold off on a face-to-face meeting until the next morning.

An incident like this may not physically or emotionally affect your child, but for many it will. My own daughter was very stressed, anxious, and worried. To release her anxiety, we held her while she cried. The next morning we talked about our scheduled visit and she cried again.

With much reluctance she came with me and we sat together on the couch – the two moms and our daughters.

Me: “Girls, no one is in trouble. Something happened yesterday before you left and we want to talk about it. I. shared with me that she felt frustrated that you were talking when your dad came to pick you up because she wanted all of you to hide together so he wouldn’t find you. You were so excited that you kept talking and that’s when she hit you with the broom. What is your understanding?” [I'm looking at our neighbor's mom].

Neighbor’s Mom: “Yes, that sounds right. The girls were hiding and my daughter was very excited and didn’t stop talking and I. got nervous that they would be discovered so she hit her with the broom.”

Me: “Did we get the story right, girls?”

Both girls nodded, mine tearfully and burying herself into my side.

Me: “What would help make you feel better about this problem?” [I'm looking at my daughter's friend.]

Neighbor Child: “A sorry.”

My daughter: “I want to go home.”

Me: [Gently and with empathy]. “Okay, I., I know this hard; your friend needs to hear an apology. We want her to feel safe and happy again. I think it will help you too. We can go home as soon as you can tell your friend something from your heart.”

We waited a bit in a friendly silence, giving my daughter the space to have the courage to apologize. It was definitely not an easy moment for her. And then…

My daughter: [With unsolicited eye contact, gentleness, and conviction]. “I’m sorry P.”

It was a very sweet and honorable apology and her friend responded graciously with a “thank you.”

Within a few minutes the girls were laughing and having fun again and the incident was behind them. Later, in the car, my daughter confided in me and said, “Mom, that was really embarrassing.” I nodded and replied, “I know sweetie. I’m so proud of you for showing so much courage in being honest about making a mistake and facing your friend to tell her you’re sorry. That was really brave.”

I believe I’m just at the beginning of a new stage with my daughter. There are new challenges for us and I’m having to dig deep for a new level of compassion, self-discipline, and understanding myself.

Tags: choices, communication, companioning, consequences, discipline, fears, feelings, listening, self-discipline, teaching
Posted in discipline | No Comments »

Snowy Days

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

This has been a rough week here for the Peirce kids. We live in North Carolina and the last time we saw this much snow was about 6 years ago.

It started to snow last Friday night just at the tail end of my son’s 4th birthday and it didn’t stop snowing until Saturday afternoon. It was a magical morning for the children and we had so much fun romping in the snow for just a bit.

It would have been great fun to stay out longer but we’re just not very equipped for snow here in Chapel Hill. We had our rain boots and soft, inadequate mittens, layers of pants (no snow pants), and several pairs of socks. Obviously, we got cold very quickly!

The children did well Saturday and Sunday. But then the news came…school was canceled Monday, then Tuesday, and then…Wednesday too. It didn’t take long for there to be lots of tears and frustration from being together in tight quarters for way too long!

Fortunately, I was preparing for my Managing Mommy Anger tele-class and had every opportunity to practice keeping my own cool! Something I am learning again and again when there are sibling squabbles is to allow both parties to be heard. It’s tempting for me to interrupt or correct the tale being shared about the altercation. I bite my lip and focus on listening.

I sit down and invite both children to sit with me, to tell their side of what happened. After tearful sharing, I nod and invite them to share what they would like their sibling to do that would make them feel better. Encouraging them both to problem solve has been an interesting journey. Sometimes it ends in uncontrollable laughter or an angry demand or complete indifference. Just providing the space and a listening ear seems to diffuse the drama.

I have to admit, I’m really grateful snow days are few and far between! How are you and your little ones managing cabin fever?

Tags: Children Under Age 7, communication, discipline, feelings, listening, self-discipline, teaching
Posted in sibling rivalry | 2 Comments »

Part 2: Getting Wee Ones to Sleep

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Ever noticed a lot of upset in the late afternoon before dinner and bedtime? You may have had a wonderful day with the children, a few snafoos, but for the most part, a pleasant day. Late afternoon, just before dinner and what occurs? Crying over little things – it might be a broken crayon or big sister sat at the dinner table first…

Crying and tantruming are not behaviors parents are comfortable with in their children. From the time our children were babies we’ve been taught to soothe them as much as possible, to eliminate crying, to fix what is wrong.

I invite you to explore the possibility that by eliminating the release of tension and stress that crying allows our children, that we are ultimately encouraging more whiny, demanding, unsatisfied, frustrated, and angry children.

Think about stress and anxiety for a minute. As a culture do we release our stress and anxiety in healthy ways? The Biggest Loser is one of America’s favorite shows. America is facing an obesity epidemic. So, it’s clear that food is one way we may be dealing with our feelings. Anti-depressant usage among adults, teens, and children are at an all-time high. We are seeing more and more high profile celebrities becoming diagnosed as sex addicts. Alcoholism and illegal and prescription drug use continues to be another way individuals cope with their emotions.

What does all of this have to do with getting your young children to sleep?

Everything.

Understanding how young children express their feelings is important knowledge for you to have as a parent so you know how you can begin creating healthy and safe ways for your child to express happiness, sadness, and even anger.

Author and parent educator, Aletha Solter explains that “there are 4 primary ways in which children cope with stress:

talking,
symbolic play,
laughter,
and crying (including raging).”

Young children will use symbolic play, laughter, crying & raging as their initial stress-release tools and as they mature, they will talk more about their feelings.

Certainly, parents encourage their children to laugh and play and talk to release energy and stress. However, parents are not as comfortable with their child’s crying and raging because there is a false belief that their child will feel better if they would only stop crying.

“Children will not feel better until they have been allowed to cry and rage as much as needed.” ~ Aletha Solter

Okay, I know what you’re thinking here. You’re thinking, “are you crazy? I’m not going to let my kid scream his head off because his crayon broke.”

Whining, frustration, hitting, biting, defiance…hmmm…is it not interesting to think that these negative behaviors are linked to a child’s pent up stress? Let’s think about this as it applies to your own life. You’ve had a horrible day, nothing is going right – your computer crashed, your car won’t start, you feel a head cold coming on, then, your 3 year old is joyously running through the house with a full glass of milk and spills it all over the couch. You hit a wall on a day like this when you just explode – you, in a very real way, have your own tantrum.

Well, young children, even when a day has gone well (from our perspective), are experiencing stresses and anxiety. They’re learning new things, short separations from their caregiver, over-stimulation from an outing or from media, experience an undesirable consequence, lack of attention, illness, getting hurt…

You do the best that you can to create a stress-free, simple childhood for your kids but the sources of your child’s stress are not always easy for you to detect. You don’t know until a crying jag or tantrum that a change in routine or a new friend could have caused your child anxiety or stress.

So, a typical time of the day for your child to release these tensions through, specifically crying, is between 4pm-8pm. Instead of punishing or shaming your child for crying, let it run its course. Accept the crying as part of the release. Respond in a way that allows the child to fully release. Once you’ve met their basic needs, recognize that allowing crying to occur will bring better, less restless sleep. You want to your child to release feelings through healing tears. Firm, but loving holding is a great way to help your young child to let go. It’s much more comforting and nurturing than sending your child to their room or to the corner for a “time-out.”

From Parenting With Presence:

“I prefer to support my nearly three year old daughter to vent her feelings daily, often in the evening before she goes to sleep. When she doesn’t have a cry for three or four days, she starts showing that she has unexpressed feelings. She takes a long time to go to sleep even when she is tired, and moves a lot during the night. During the day she seems agitated, gets easily frustrated, and avoids being close. On the other hand, when she has a cry every day or two, she easily goes to sleep lying beside me when she is tired, is relaxed throughout the night, and happy and alert during the day. She concentrates for long periods and enjoys cuddles and closeness. Time and again the differences reassure me that crying in my arms contributes significantly to her daily well-being.”

Do you have questions about this theory? I will be sharing with you more about it and how it can support your intentional mothering ways.

Tags: Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, discipline, feelings, sleep, tantrums, toddler
Posted in sleep, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Tears, Misbehavior, & The Importance of Rhythm

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Hi Raelee,

I just wanted to let you know of a really rewarding experience I had with B this morning.

After a super hectic holiday and quite an extended period of disrupted routine, I was noticing a lot of “behaviors”. He was more easily frustrated, more quick to resort to tears and shouting “no”, hitting, and throwing. His attention span was greatly diminished. And he was playing on his own A LOT less (he generally plays calmly about 50% of our day). Yesterday, I was feeling pretty low about the whole situation myself which, of course, just seemed to make matters worse.

This morning, I stopped negotiating. I stopped trying to make it easier for him. I stopped trying to compromise, to please him. I refused to play trucks when he wanted me to, offering cuddles, stories, block or play dough instead. I refused to get out another activity when he immediately gave up on the first one he had requested.

And, guess what? He cried a lot. He pulled my arms and insisted. He threw something. I took it away (that’s the rule). He flailed his arms at me. I said, “You may not hurt me. I will not let you hit.” And he went for his blanket and his binky and self soothed for about 5 minutes. Then he latched on to something else and we went through the same routine.

I stuck with my answers. I re-emphasized the expectations and the boundaries of what was acceptable. Rather than catering to him in an effort to make things easier on us both – which I had been doing out of exhaustion and frustration since the holidays – I stated the rule and I stuck by it. And I didn’t go along with what he wanted to do when I knew I would be miserable and resentful.

And that was it. He was back to his calm, cheerful, focused self – the little guy I had been missing since the hectic holidays. Woo Hoo for routine! We had a fabulous day together, going through the familiar daily rituals. And the suppertime breakdowns in the evening were even far improved over the past couple of days. I feel like he really just needed the parameters drawn again and that’s why he had been “acting up”. It just took me a while to catch on!

Peace,
S.

Thanks so much to S. for sharing her success story! I hope this supports the noble mother community as we strive to figure out the best way to respond to our children when they are challenged by their own daily inner work. I would recommend reading this article about tears and crying by Aletha Solter to continue your understanding about the necessity of allowing children the space to work out their own stress, anxiety, and traumas through crying. I welcome your success stories as well as your parenting challenges, mamas!!

~Raelee

Tags: Aletha Solter, assertiveness, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, family culture, fortitude, independence, rhythm, rituals, routine, self-discipline, tantrums, teaching, tears
Posted in rhythm | 3 Comments »

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