Posts Tagged ‘choices’

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

I’m working this summer from home in the mornings and I did feel so organized and blessed to have a mother’s helper until her schedule changed and I had to come up with Plan B. Plan B is shaky and interesting. It involves my 7 year old keeping my 4 year old busy with crafts and stories and snacks! Today was day one of Plan B.

My daughter was wonderful. She had stories planned, a lovely art activity, … She felt secure in creating her own rhythm for her brother. Unfortunately, the rhythm didn’t feel secure enough for my 4 year old and I could tell that he was overwhelmed by choices and the feeling that I was unavailable, despite my physical presence in the same room.

It’s so common for parents to believe that we are respecting our young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power we are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them, can be the reason for tantrums and defiance, and ultimately, if continued over time, can develop a little one into the family bully or tyrant.

Developmentally, young children under age 7 need us to be the benevolent Kings and Queens of the home. We provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next. It is clear that my little boy needs Plan B to have more structure, more emotional availability from me to him. So tomorrow I will be guiding them both through the morning. “You may have outdoor play for a little while on the trampoline and then it will be time for some drawing inside.” A little structure and guidance will open a window for him to feel more creative later in the morning when he might get bored, and as in those brilliant boredom moments of the past, create a game by himself or with his sister.

I think more parents in our generation believe that our children should have choices throughout the day - about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.

It is so tempting to allow our little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily we can let ourselves give into their demands, if we aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.

Just yesterday my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing and ran to me, “She hit me!” I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”"

When my 4 year old gets frustrated with me and starts to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach him how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family.”

Are you giving your little one too many choices?

Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?

Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, our princes and princesses are happier when we confidently and wisely take the lead.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, discipline, feelings, imitation, motherhood, tantrums, The Will, working mom
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Raising Children & Sharing Your Gifts With the World? A Lot Depends on Who You Married

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Finding our way as mothers is no easy task. The past 7.5 years have been such a journey of discovery for me. In hindsight I would focus solely on my babies without the distraction of also pursuing my passions. Babies and toddlers just don’t stay babies and toddlers forever and creating the family nest for everyone takes energy and time.

I’m grateful that my outside passions didn’t lead me outside of the home, but I do feel compassion for myself as I see how much I struggled in trying to do too much while mothering little ones.

It feels like I’m coming out of a dark haze now with a 4 and 7.5 year old. A dark haze of early motherhood. I’m emerging into a new phase in my own development as they are in theirs. We’ve found community through their school, I’ve found a space in the world to express my deepest passion in supporting families in the work of home life through simplicity parenting, and my husband and I have discovered a beautiful parenting harmony.

In one of my previous posts I was sharing with you my stream of consciousness around how to make it all work and what will I tell my own daughter about motherhood. As things have developed, it is becoming more and more evident that the partner one chooses is critical to the full development of both partners.

Despite my husband’s background of an overwhelmed single mom and barely-there dad, he has an incredible desire to be present with our kids and is a true helpmate to me. While we both appreciate our parenting strengths – I have a gentle, patient, nurturing flexibility in balance with his assertive, self-disciplined, cooperative confidence – there’s a foundational understanding that the realm of the home and parenting are primarily mine. For us, this has been the key to harmony. It doesn’t mean we don’t consult or agree together on things, but there is a generous and trusting spirit that allows me the opportunity to design the family culture with his incredible support and acceptance. The tone of the home, the rhythms, and the celebrations – these responsibilities are my world.

I think his trusting acceptance that the home and children are more of my realm comes from his confidence and belief in his own gifts, skills, and passions that secure his identity. No doubt it helps that we share a common spiritual faith, but in the past 11 years a deep trust of the other has developed as well.

What will I ultimately share with my daughter about motherhood?

Choose a partner for life, wisely.
Find a man whose life decisions exhibit strength of character.
Talk about family life before you get married.

Feminism shouldn’t be about becoming the same as men. It should be about the freedom for both men and women to acknowledge the importance of nurturing children in support of one another in fulfilling our individual work in the world.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, family culture, rhythm, simplicity parenting, working mom
Posted in Uncategorized, motherhood | No Comments »

What Mama Needs Vs What Mama Wants

Monday, April 26th, 2010

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and it resonates with me still…

On an extended morning walk this week with an intentional mama, I got the chance to think more closely about the idea of wants and needs. As you know, we must constantly strive to balance meeting our own mama needs and the needs of our family on a daily basis. Many moms are infamous for eliminating their own needs from the list in order to meet the high demands of their little ones.

However, in having this discussion, my friend shared that she has discovered that she is actually very good about meeting her needs, but that it is her wants that she denies herself. I thought that was fascinating.

Some of our common mama needs are: eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, maintaining financial security, parenting with intention, nurturing our marriage, etc. For me, striving to meet this list of needs is a task.

For my friend, these things are falling into place, but she feels the lack of simple selfish pleasures – the little things that make life joyful and even exciting and fun.

I have no problem indulging in a night of card-making/scrapbooking or meeting my friends or sisters for a cup of coffee or catching up on my DVR’d Oprah shows or spending an evening talking for 3 hours to a long-distance friend. But I intuitively feel that my needs are being neglected as my wants are fully taken care of.

Certainly there is overlap at times between our list of needs and our list of wants and there’s even some conflict between the two! Case in point: I need sleep but I want to stay up late because it is so wonderful to glow in some time alone.

My coaching question for you is: Are you favoring your needs or your wants right now? Are you finding them in conflict with one another and what is in your way of meeting both?

Tags: choices, intention, motherhood, Self-Care, self-discipline
Posted in Uncategorized, motherhood | No Comments »

Day 10: Simplifying Discipline

Monday, April 12th, 2010

We’ve reached our last post in this series of how to create a calmer family life. We can’t end without thinking about how we can discipline our children with more ease.

It’s been extremely helpful for me to re-think discipline in our home after listening to The Soul of Discipline by Kim Payne. As a parent coach and educator I’ve participated in numerous parenting workshops and programs. All these curriculums led me down a path of setting limits and providing my children opportunities that supposedly helped them learn the wisdom of making good and bad choices. These common parenting tools include behavior modification and behavior management, systems of consequences – both logical and natural. You could hear me often say, “We’ll go to the park as soon as the toys are cleaned up.”

It didn’t happen every time, but on occassion, one of my children would “buck this system” and say, “Okay, I’m not cleaning up because I don’t want to go to the park anyway.”

Meanwhile, the other child would start crying because he would be ready to do his part in cleaning so he could be “rewarded” by the trip to the park.

Essentially, I was giving my children the choice to clean up, a chore that is something I expect them to do because it’s just what we do after we are done playing.

Many might say my daughter’s behavior is high-spirited or willful for twisting the situation into something so self-serving and seeing the loop hole to get out of cooperating.

Hmmm…or maybe she just learned the great art of manipulation from a master – her own mother! Isn’t it manipulative to offer a reward “only if you do what I say” kind of choice?

So, obviously, I don’t promote nor do I believe that manipulating my kids is good parenting.

My young children need my guidance, wisdom, and clarity to help them behave appropriately so that one day, they will be able to be self-disciplined enough to make their own healthy decisions. Essentially what I’ve come to understand is that negotiations, rewards, consequences, and deals have no place in disciplining young children.

My parenting-with-choices-approach was confusing because they really weren’t choices at all. When I linked cleaning up with a “deal” of rewarding the kids with a trip to the park, I was implying that if the reward wasn’t something they wanted then cleaning up wasn’t something they actually had to do.

So, instead of using “If, Then” parenting, I simply provide my young kids with my expectations and my instructions. Providing them with skills to complete tasks and having expectations of responsibility, is simply allowing them to see what we’re doing and how we’re doing it.

Now you can hear me say, “It’s time to clean up, guys.” I know I need to stay close and I show them that we are all in this together as a family, by helping and directing until the task is complete. Cleaning up is just part of our family chores and there are no deals that need to be created in order to convince them to do it. I direct them through the process by providing them with small, do-able tasks one at at a time – “Put all the silks in the basket.”

If there is resistance, which there was in the beginning, I merely repeat myself, stay calm, believe in my authority and guidance and insist on compliance without yelling. “Yes, Keats, this is what we’re doing right now. Let’s get it done.” It’s about being a good supervisor and knowing that it is my job to guide them. I’m not worried that my kids don’t like to clean up and that it might make them angry when I insist that they do it. It’s not about being a bully or a dictator. It’s about teaching my children responsibility and co-operation. Confidence and clear expectations really do go a long way. It’s SO tempting to bribe or threaten when your authority is doubted by a 3 foot being with a loud “No!” But mama, it is your job to put your experience and wisdom into practice and stand your ground with a gentle firmness. I really am a rock and without the “deals,” I am seeing the fruits of my clarity – there’s a lot more cooperation happening around here in a lot less time.

Because I recognize teaching my children that they will follow through with each request, I am noticing the following …

I make fewer requests – which means I don’t get sick of my own voice as much!
The requests I do make are heard and there is 100% follow-through.
We spend more time together – since I can’t make a request and walk away – my job is to be there to help them put their shoes on or take their bowl to the sink or get their clothes on in the morning -it may sound exhausting, but I only make the requests that I have the energy to ensure follow-through, if I don’t, then I don’t ask.
A lot less power struggles. Since I’m not rewarding the kids with a story or a dessert or an outing…etc. if they complete xyz task, discipline is just easier. I don’t have to make any promises and a story or a dessert or an outing is its own reward and a task is something they do because I requested it.

Mama, there’s a lot here to think about. A lot of this is in my Free Report that you received when you signed up for my Free Tool Box. If you never received it (be sure that you’ve confirmed your opt-in when you registered – you have to click on your subscription in that first email you receive from me to become confirmed) or if you haven’t read it, be sure to check it out!

Tags: assertiveness, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, intention, listening, self-discipline, simplicity parenting, teaching, The Will
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | No Comments »

Day 4: Our Inner Work

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

It is natural to feel pulled toward the work that you feel passionate about – your career. It is rare to find a woman who is truly fulfilled by the tasks of homemaking. It is difficult to find the extraordinary from the ordinary. One has be almost Buddha-like to find joy from the daily laundry, clean-up, and meal preparation.

Does that make us bad mothers? Should we feel guilty that our mind wanders and we yearn to get back to responding to our companions over a cup of tea, at a meeting, or through an email or blog message?

No, it does not make us bad mothers for not feeling whole or complete by the tasks of the home. We are educated women who are change makers and healers and we have destinies that do lead us out of the home.

Our conflict, our challenge isn’t to convince ourselves that dishes and laundry are amazing. It is to acknowledge that as mothers to young children we are investing time into being present to these little ones as their spiritual mentors. It is our love and guidance that makes all the difference in these early years to their own development of who they will become. Being committed to the work of mothering is to be committed to your own inner work. Your child can pick up on your unrest, your dissatisfaction, your resentment of mothering.

There is a season for everything, mama. Bringing these sweet babies into your life is no simple decision, no easy task. At times you may feel like a butterfly pinned to a mounting board; you’re so ready to fly and yet, you can see the soul fever in yourself, in your little ones when you do. Being mindfully present, stretching yourself to find the spiritual in the mundane, this is intense inner work for any human being. You will not be given this opportunity forever; mothering young children is not a life sentence – they do grow up.

Take a breath. Slide into this time with ease and the perspective of a zen master. Your day when you can fly solo will come – will you be ready? Think of the lessons you can learn from this unique time in your career of the heart, this time of young motherhood.

“Parenting takes a tremendous amount of energy. If you don’t keep your energy replenished, you become frazzled, harried, short-tempered and otherwise hard to be around. Especially while your children are young, you need to make sure that you get adequate sleep. It helps to have some kind of meditation or practice or prayer, even five minutes a day, that can help to keep you centered. Creative activities such as art, music, sculpture or dance are also unique in actually replenishing the kind of energy that children demand.” ~ Rahima Baldwin Dancy You Are Your Child’s First Teacher

On this Day 4, strive to integrate your womanhood with your motherhood. Is there a unique blend of the two for you to create? Finding your rhythm of fulfillment with the life passions you have and bringing that energy and zest for life into your mothering so your children benefit from a parent who is inspired and content with her life – this is the inner work for us today.

Tags: choices, community, fortitude, guilt, integrity, Self-Care, self-discipline, sleep, soul fever, teaching, tribe
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 2 Comments »

What To Do When Your Kid Behaves Badly

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to figure out how to respond to a real physical conflict between my daughter and a friend. Last weekend, I got my opportunity!

We have the most amazing and dear neighbors who moved in this past Fall. It was such a blessing to us because we live in the country and scheduling play dates for our kids is not always easy. I really missed the days when kids could knock on the door and ask to play after school.

Really, we couldn’t have lucked out more than we did with our new neighbors. Not only were they just down the gravel road from us, but the genders and ages are perfect for our kids. They have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy – just like us!

Once we established that the ages were a match we scheduled some after school play dates and discovered that the little group was very compatible. It’s been so much fun for us, as parents, and for the kids to have a connection so close by to another family.

Last weekend, all went fairly well on a typical play date at our home. The children played until their dad came to pick them up. Unfortunately, my daughter’s assertiveness turned into aggression toward her friend and in an effort to get her playmate to be quiet in their secret hiding spot, she smacked her with a broom out of frustration. Her friend wasn’t at all happy and she pushed my daughter and ran to her car to go home. To make matters worse, all of this “went down” outside of parental vision.

I’m thankful for my daughter’s fearless honesty and her desire to be forgiven. The whole story spilled out in a tumble of tears and remorse. I held her and companioned her through her feelings and her choice in expressing her anger with her friend. I know that many parents may believe that these incidents happen and that they just need to be patted away or scoffed as typical kid stuff. I wholeheartedly disagree. After learning about better ways to cope with conflict through Kim John Payne’s Social Inclusion work, I felt prepared to help the girls through this tiff.

These moments when our children are most troubled by their own moral choice is a great teachable moment in their life. How we confront our fear and embarrassment when we do something that is not kind or appropriate is a big life lesson. I explained to my daughter that I would call our neighbor’s and check in on her friend to see if she is alright and to find a time that we could all talk about what happened.

Of course, she was really scared and upset that I would call and talk about what she did. As my child’s spiritual mentor, it is necessary for me to help navigate through these scary and challenging moments for her. I assured her that no one was angry with her but that it is important that we let their family know that she is sorry for what she did.

So, I called and spoke to our fantastic neighbors. They shared that their child was very shaken and upset and not ready to talk about it. We agreed to hold off on a face-to-face meeting until the next morning.

An incident like this may not physically or emotionally affect your child, but for many it will. My own daughter was very stressed, anxious, and worried. To release her anxiety, we held her while she cried. The next morning we talked about our scheduled visit and she cried again.

With much reluctance she came with me and we sat together on the couch – the two moms and our daughters.

Me: “Girls, no one is in trouble. Something happened yesterday before you left and we want to talk about it. I. shared with me that she felt frustrated that you were talking when your dad came to pick you up because she wanted all of you to hide together so he wouldn’t find you. You were so excited that you kept talking and that’s when she hit you with the broom. What is your understanding?” [I'm looking at our neighbor's mom].

Neighbor’s Mom: “Yes, that sounds right. The girls were hiding and my daughter was very excited and didn’t stop talking and I. got nervous that they would be discovered so she hit her with the broom.”

Me: “Did we get the story right, girls?”

Both girls nodded, mine tearfully and burying herself into my side.

Me: “What would help make you feel better about this problem?” [I'm looking at my daughter's friend.]

Neighbor Child: “A sorry.”

My daughter: “I want to go home.”

Me: [Gently and with empathy]. “Okay, I., I know this hard; your friend needs to hear an apology. We want her to feel safe and happy again. I think it will help you too. We can go home as soon as you can tell your friend something from your heart.”

We waited a bit in a friendly silence, giving my daughter the space to have the courage to apologize. It was definitely not an easy moment for her. And then…

My daughter: [With unsolicited eye contact, gentleness, and conviction]. “I’m sorry P.”

It was a very sweet and honorable apology and her friend responded graciously with a “thank you.”

Within a few minutes the girls were laughing and having fun again and the incident was behind them. Later, in the car, my daughter confided in me and said, “Mom, that was really embarrassing.” I nodded and replied, “I know sweetie. I’m so proud of you for showing so much courage in being honest about making a mistake and facing your friend to tell her you’re sorry. That was really brave.”

I believe I’m just at the beginning of a new stage with my daughter. There are new challenges for us and I’m having to dig deep for a new level of compassion, self-discipline, and understanding myself.

Tags: choices, communication, companioning, consequences, discipline, fears, feelings, listening, self-discipline, teaching
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Part 1: Getting Wee Ones to Sleep

Monday, January 18th, 2010

There are 4 critical areas that need a parent’s attention and appropriate response when it comes to bringing out the best in our children: rhythm, sleep, nutrition, and media exposure.

For many of us in the noble mother community we adhere to the principles of attachment parenting.

Many families have found that a period of co-sleeping works well for establishing good sleep from the beginning.

For some, however, it isn’t an easy formula. There is sleeplessness and overwhelm around the bedtime routine and sleeping habits that evolve as our babies turn into toddlers and preschoolers.

Mamas wonder if they have done more harm than good, especially when their wee ones sleep restlessly and night waking becomes a pattern well past the first year. Many parents share that they intuitively feel that sleeping with their baby worked for a time and then evolved into something that stopped working well. These mamas don’t want their baby to cry by themselves but sometimes sleep is not coming easily for anyone in the house using the sure-fire tools of nursing on demand and co-sleeping.

At the time of my first baby it seemed there were two camps of opinion – co-sleeping and cry-it-out.

I remember the stressful, sleepless nights when my daughter was 9 months old. She would wake every 30 minutes to nurse, to be re-settled into sleep. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted. Motherhood was not a joy, it was an endless chore. My lack of sleep dulled every experience with her. I craved sleep. I was just trying to survive.

“We live in a society that puts a lot of value on independence. This may be fine for adults but is not as fine for babies. It often leads us to expect babies and small children to be more independent than they are biologically ready to be. It also puts a lot of pressure on parents to push their children toward independence even when they are small babies and toddlers.” ~ AP FAQ Quote

Clients frequently contact me for parent coaching support to help them find a nurturing way to get their children to sleep better.

If I could go back in time and do things better with my own two children around sleep when they were babies I would. I’ve learned so much about development, expectations, needs, and emotions from both Waldorf and Aware Parenting philosophies.

Of course, from Waldorf, rhythm is critical to helping children sleep well. I can say that I was very predictable at bedtime for my children but naps were challenging, with my first especially.

The biggest key to better sleep is in the Aware Parenting philosophy. It’s very important for a new mother to know the different needs of her baby. Babies sleep when they are tired, play when they want to learn, eat when they’re hungry, and cry when they need to release stress.

Babies, toddlers, and even preschoolers can become over-stimulated easily, especially in our culture today. We have so many lights, sounds, smells, and temperature changes for a little body to take in.

Looking back, it is very clear to me that my first born, who was born via C-section, was never allowed to heal from her birth trauma through crying. She was a very fussy baby for me and I did what any new mama would do, I nursed her, jiggled her, swayed her, rocked her, and walked with her to get her to stop crying.

Once a baby’s needs of hunger, cold/hot, sleep, and diaper changing have been met, moms can allow their baby or young child to cry to release their tensions from the day, birth trauma, or over-stimulation.

Babies and young children should not be left alone to cry.

Crying-in-arms or companioning your child through their emotional release is the goal. With a baby or child who has never been allowed to cry their tensions or stress out, this can be a challenging time for both child and parent. We don’t like to hear our children crying.

A fussy, whiny, or agitated baby or child is showing signs of needing to release stress. Offering this young child the opportunity to nurse or to use a pacifier, is just shutting the needed stress release down and restless sleep will, more than likely, result.

I highly recommend that you read a full-length article on this topic here. We will continue to explore getting young children to sleep more in Part 2: Getting Wee Ones to Sleep.

Tags: Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting, bedtime, birth, Children Under Age 7, choices, development, feelings, independence, napping, rhythm, sleep, tantrums, Waldorf
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Tears, Misbehavior, & The Importance of Rhythm

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Hi Raelee,

I just wanted to let you know of a really rewarding experience I had with B this morning.

After a super hectic holiday and quite an extended period of disrupted routine, I was noticing a lot of “behaviors”. He was more easily frustrated, more quick to resort to tears and shouting “no”, hitting, and throwing. His attention span was greatly diminished. And he was playing on his own A LOT less (he generally plays calmly about 50% of our day). Yesterday, I was feeling pretty low about the whole situation myself which, of course, just seemed to make matters worse.

This morning, I stopped negotiating. I stopped trying to make it easier for him. I stopped trying to compromise, to please him. I refused to play trucks when he wanted me to, offering cuddles, stories, block or play dough instead. I refused to get out another activity when he immediately gave up on the first one he had requested.

And, guess what? He cried a lot. He pulled my arms and insisted. He threw something. I took it away (that’s the rule). He flailed his arms at me. I said, “You may not hurt me. I will not let you hit.” And he went for his blanket and his binky and self soothed for about 5 minutes. Then he latched on to something else and we went through the same routine.

I stuck with my answers. I re-emphasized the expectations and the boundaries of what was acceptable. Rather than catering to him in an effort to make things easier on us both – which I had been doing out of exhaustion and frustration since the holidays – I stated the rule and I stuck by it. And I didn’t go along with what he wanted to do when I knew I would be miserable and resentful.

And that was it. He was back to his calm, cheerful, focused self – the little guy I had been missing since the hectic holidays. Woo Hoo for routine! We had a fabulous day together, going through the familiar daily rituals. And the suppertime breakdowns in the evening were even far improved over the past couple of days. I feel like he really just needed the parameters drawn again and that’s why he had been “acting up”. It just took me a while to catch on!

Peace,
S.

Thanks so much to S. for sharing her success story! I hope this supports the noble mother community as we strive to figure out the best way to respond to our children when they are challenged by their own daily inner work. I would recommend reading this article about tears and crying by Aletha Solter to continue your understanding about the necessity of allowing children the space to work out their own stress, anxiety, and traumas through crying. I welcome your success stories as well as your parenting challenges, mamas!!

~Raelee

Tags: Aletha Solter, assertiveness, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, family culture, fortitude, independence, rhythm, rituals, routine, self-discipline, tantrums, teaching, tears
Posted in rhythm | 3 Comments »

Day 11: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

We are almost to the end of our series and it is my hope that it has given you some great food for thought and reflection!

My goal in presenting these posts to you has been to inspire you to become more mindful when communicating with your little ones.

It would defeat the purpose of this series if you have become inspired to communicate more effectively only to become even more overwhelmed by feelings of guilt when you slip back to yelling.

Day 11

Be accountable but don’t beat yourself up with guilt when you make mistakes.

The big reason I don’t want you to feel guilty is because moms who are riddled with guilt become more permissive as parents.

“Permissive parenting leads to the creation of demanding, willful, oppositional children. Stop the cycle by truly forgiving yourself. Forgiveness takes place in three steps, which I call the ‘three R’s of forgiveness.’

First, recognize and accept your feelings. Tell yourself, ‘I feel angry and anxious, and that’s okay.’

Second, reframe the experience. Forget about finding a good guy and a villain. Admit that, given your state of mind, you did your best and so did your child.

Third, request help. Calmly ask your child to work with you in forging new patterns of behavior. Here is an example of what you might say: ‘Last night at bedtime, I screamed at you and spanked you. I did those things because I lost control, not because you are bad. Sometimes I think you want to be my boss. I am your mother and I am in charge. I am going to be a better parent. I am going to work on expressing anger differently – with words spoken firmly’” (Becky Bailey, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline).

You’ll never be the perfect mother. Your child won’t ever be the perfect child. Mistakes allow us the opportunity to grow. Shedding the guilt around making mistakes, forgiving yourself of your transgressions, and making a concerted effort toward mindful communication are all steps in the right direction to becoming more of the mom you want to be.

Tags: assertiveness, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, feelings, integrity, intention, listening, Self-Care, self-discipline
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Day 9: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Something that has significantly reduced my stress, which has reduced my mommy tantrums has been implementing the idea of Kim John Payne’s simplicity. It’s round 2 this week as I again go through the kids’ toys and clothes and get rid of things that they’ve outgrown, are broken, or just need to be stored and recycled for another day. With fewer toys and books, the children play better and longer independently!

Day 9

Simplify your home.

In Payne’s book Simplicity Parenting, he suggests that parents look at several areas to work on. Toys and books are a big area. We have a space in our storage area for the “extras.” There’s a basket for my 3 year old’s plastic animals, bookshelves of their books, and bins of others toys. In the play room, we’re keeping things simple and less cluttered – with just some of their favorite toys. Each month or so, the children can go up to the storage area and exchange their toys with a few others to keep things interesting.

As many of you know, we have also eliminated television. We have been 95% TV-Free since November. The few exceptions have been when we are at a relative’s home or to watch a special show with the family. We’ve also turned off the radio. We no longer listen to the commercials and the pop-culture music of the Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, and Miley Cyrus that come across the sound waves while driving to school.

These two areas – the stuff and the media – have calmed things down in our home and car. There’s less whining, demanding, and tantruming with less things and less noise. I don’t have to negotiate the media and the children are so much more engaged in their play with less.

Hope this inspires you to simplify!

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, discipline, family culture, intention, Kim John Payne, rhythm, routine, screens, self-discipline, simplicity parenting, toys, Waldorf
Posted in 12 Days to Stop Yelling | 2 Comments »

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Posts Tagged ‘choices’

Day 11

The big reason I don’t want you to feel guilty is because moms who are riddled with guilt become more permissive as parents.

Day 9

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