Children Under Age 7 « Noble Mother

Posts Tagged ‘Children Under Age 7’

Help Your Baby De-Stress…

Sunday, August 1st, 2010

I so often see parents tense up and feel uncomfortable when their babies start to cry. Then I witness parents start, (sometimes frantically), bouncing, jiggling, rocking, looking for the pacifier or otherwise trying to stop their babies’ crying.

I would like to hold out a much healthier solution and perspective to crying. Let your babies cry! Really! Crying is good and healthy! Crying is an amazing and wonderful emotional expression that should be embraced without judgment and supported without stifling. I’m not talking about the “crying-it-out” approach which entails leaving your baby in another room by herself, not picking her up, and not responding to her cries or ignoring your baby completely when she cries. That approach can lead to your baby feeling insecure and powerless which will lead to a disconnected parent-child relationship.

I’m talking about the “crying in-arms” approach with aware responding and aware attention.

Here is how it works…

Babies cry for two reasons:

1. Communication: Your baby needs something like holding, food, or a diaper change.

2. Healing: Your baby has been hurt either physically or emotionally.

When your baby starts to cry, it is of the utmost importance to respond promptly which entails picking your baby up immediately if you are not already wearing your baby in a sling or baby carrier. Lack of responsiveness, especially if repeated, can be damaging to your babies’ emotional health. If your baby is left to cry alone, often your baby may begin to feel unsafe in her environment and this creates a lack of trust in you as her parent. This may also lead to anxiety as your baby gets older. So, it really is so important to compassionately and quickly respond to your baby’s cry.

Then figure out why she is crying. If her immediate needs have been fulfilled, (i.e. hunger, thirst, diaper change, and no physical pain or medical issues), then you can assume she is crying to heal some sort of stress; yes, babies absolutely feel stress. She is crying as an emotional release so it is important to let her stay with this beautiful processing without stopping it by some conventional means such as bouncing, jiggling, rocking, shushing or using a pacifier. Take a deep cleansing breath to help relax your tensions and then gently hold her in your arms, away from your body and let her cry. Always lovingly and compassionately looking in her eyes and staying connected visually. Your baby will close her eyes periodically and turn her head away from you, but will always check back in to see if you are paying attention and you need to be looking at her with calm, loving, non-judgmental support. This process not only allows her to heal any stresses in her body and spirit but also deepens your bonding with her by deepening her trust in you. You can also periodically say “I hear you.”

There are many advantages to this approach. Here are just a few:

• You help your baby heal any trauma that could have lifelong affects.

• You support your baby releasing any daily stresses the can accumulate in their being.

• Your baby will be more relaxed and less fussy and whinny.

• Your baby will be less demanding and have a longer attention span.

• Your baby will fall asleep more peacefully without coaxing or “sleep training”.

• Your baby will sleep better and more deeply through the night

• You will get better sleep.

• This approach will enhance your emotional connection with your baby and deepen your bonding.

Babies love to cry to release stress and tensions because it feels so good to them. Just like it does with adults. We feel better after a good cry and when we are in the process of crying we would not appreciate someone else (especially if they were much larger than us) telling us we had to stop or putting something in our mouths to stop us. Babies are the same.

I invite you to try this approach. You will be amazed witnessing the transformation in your baby as she moves from a place of being “fussy” and “demanding” to being more alert, centered. and happier after an “in-arms” cry.

I’m going to leave you with this interesting quote by Charles Darwin from 1872:

“The secretion of tears serves as a relief to suffering. And by as much as the weeping is more violent or hysterical, by so much will the relief be greater…”

In peace,

Wendy

Welcome Guest Blogger, Wendy Mann, a single mama of an amazing twelve year old daughter. Wendy is a Certified Aware Parenting Instructor, Emotional Release Guide and Parent-Infant Bonding Specialist. She is deeply impassioned about motherhood and supporting transformation in babies and young children, parent-child relationships, and ultimately the world. You can reach her at wlm1998@gmail.com

Tags: Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, communication
Posted in crying, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

I’m working this summer from home in the mornings and I did feel so organized and blessed to have a mother’s helper until her schedule changed and I had to come up with Plan B. Plan B is shaky and interesting. It involves my 7 year old keeping my 4 year old busy with crafts and stories and snacks! Today was day one of Plan B.

My daughter was wonderful. She had stories planned, a lovely art activity, … She felt secure in creating her own rhythm for her brother. Unfortunately, the rhythm didn’t feel secure enough for my 4 year old and I could tell that he was overwhelmed by choices and the feeling that I was unavailable, despite my physical presence in the same room.

It’s so common for parents to believe that we are respecting our young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power we are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them, can be the reason for tantrums and defiance, and ultimately, if continued over time, can develop a little one into the family bully or tyrant.

Developmentally, young children under age 7 need us to be the benevolent Kings and Queens of the home. We provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next. It is clear that my little boy needs Plan B to have more structure, more emotional availability from me to him. So tomorrow I will be guiding them both through the morning. “You may have outdoor play for a little while on the trampoline and then it will be time for some drawing inside.” A little structure and guidance will open a window for him to feel more creative later in the morning when he might get bored, and as in those brilliant boredom moments of the past, create a game by himself or with his sister.

I think more parents in our generation believe that our children should have choices throughout the day - about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.

It is so tempting to allow our little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily we can let ourselves give into their demands, if we aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.

Just yesterday my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing and ran to me, “She hit me!” I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”"

When my 4 year old gets frustrated with me and starts to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach him how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family.”

Are you giving your little one too many choices?

Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?

Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, our princes and princesses are happier when we confidently and wisely take the lead.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, discipline, feelings, imitation, motherhood, tantrums, The Will, working mom
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Boys Really Are Different

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

I’ve been wanting to read Janet Allison‘s new book, Boys Alive!: Bring Out Their Best!, for months. Thankfully I got my chance during my journey to New Hampshire and I couldn’t wait to share with you some of the gems from it.

Janet created this book in a coaching style so it really allows you to reflect on your boy through journaling. If you’re struggling with your relationship, or with his behavior, there’s space for you to think more deeply about each.

I love that Janet reminds us that we can’t change our behavior without knowing what we want and how we ultimately envision the home or school life that we want for ourselves and our children. You always need a map or at least a GPS to help get you to your destination!

Some of the amazing gems in this book that will help me communicate more effectively with both my husband and my little boy that will be helpful to you as well…

Eye contact can trigger a flight or fight response in males. We talked about this actually at my Simplicity Parenting training in Seattle. Kim Payne explained that we should encourage the women in our groups to consult with their husbands while taking a walk or sitting side-by-side on the couch.
Use less words. This is such a powerful reminder, especially to us as mothers. We tend to over-explain and describe EVERYTHING in too much detail. Keep it brief and clear.
Speaking with authority without anger is the goal. Janet has some great exercises in the book to help us learn this skill.
Eliminate or decrease screen time. I learned so much from Janet explaining that our boys’ brains are very delicate. We need to treat our boys’ brains as delicately as we, at times, treat girls physically. Screens cause unbelievable havoc on the boy brain, neurologically.
This was my favorite nugget of wisdom…males have a daily testosterone cycle! In the morning they experience a surge of testosterone and they are more likely to be more “aggressive, ambitious and determined, with a feeling of confidence and a competitive edge.” In the afternoon they are “more agreeable to suggestions, less aggressive and less defensive.” And in the evening it rises again but lowers around 8pm. “Oxytocin, the ‘tend and befriend’ hormone, rises and men are more likely to talk about feelings and resolve conflicts…”
Boys express themselves in physical ways and this can be particularly alarming as a mom because physical aggression makes us feel uncomfortable. You can help your little boy by giving him words to express how he feels, “Wow! You love your little brother you just want to squeeze him tight. But look! Squeezing that tight doesn’t feel good to baby Sam. He really loves it when you kiss his hand gently like this.”
It’s so easy for us to communicate with our boys like they are girls – in too much detail and ask too many questions about their feelings. Instead of saying, “how do you feel about that,” we want to ask, “what do you think about that.” Our boys need us to speak with authority, with clear rules, and to consistently follow-through when they are not listening.
When we yell and act aggressively toward our boy, it only releases more cortisol into their bloodstream which increase their stress and more testosterone! Yeah, so they then become more likely to become even more challenging and aggressive.
Guess what? This was mind-blowing and incredibly helpful, Janet…moms, boys “naturally have less oxytocin, which makes them slower to respond to others with empathy. They are also less likely to see how their behavior impacts their relationship with others.” So, you need to say, “Being rough with your baby sister makes her sad and she cries. If you want her to smile and laugh you could stand here and show her this toy she likes to look at, but you have stand back and do it so you can see her face and she can see you.”

I can’t say enough about what a helpful guide this book is for all parents, but particularly for mothers – we will have a lot more success with our boys if we know how to connect with them, understand why they do what they do.

Janet convinced me too that I need to buy Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different – and how to help them become happy and well-balanced men by Steve Biddulph.

It is so supportive to have information like this explained in simple terms so that parents can implement effective ways to handle the challenges they are experiencing and have the confidence to explain what they’re doing to those around them who may not know that consistent, loving, and firm teaching is the best method of discipline.

Thanks Janet Allison for this wonderful workbook for parents of boys!

You can also listen to the podcast of Janet and I discussing her work at

Raising Boys Podcast on Inside Out Mama Blog Talk Radio

Stay tuned! There will, obviously, be another podcast with Janet scheduled soon.

Tags: assertiveness, boys, Children Under Age 7, communication, development, screens, teaching
Posted in parenting, Uncategorized | No Comments »

Raising Children & Sharing Your Gifts With the World? A Lot Depends on Who You Married

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Finding our way as mothers is no easy task. The past 7.5 years have been such a journey of discovery for me. In hindsight I would focus solely on my babies without the distraction of also pursuing my passions. Babies and toddlers just don’t stay babies and toddlers forever and creating the family nest for everyone takes energy and time.

I’m grateful that my outside passions didn’t lead me outside of the home, but I do feel compassion for myself as I see how much I struggled in trying to do too much while mothering little ones.

It feels like I’m coming out of a dark haze now with a 4 and 7.5 year old. A dark haze of early motherhood. I’m emerging into a new phase in my own development as they are in theirs. We’ve found community through their school, I’ve found a space in the world to express my deepest passion in supporting families in the work of home life through simplicity parenting, and my husband and I have discovered a beautiful parenting harmony.

In one of my previous posts I was sharing with you my stream of consciousness around how to make it all work and what will I tell my own daughter about motherhood. As things have developed, it is becoming more and more evident that the partner one chooses is critical to the full development of both partners.

Despite my husband’s background of an overwhelmed single mom and barely-there dad, he has an incredible desire to be present with our kids and is a true helpmate to me. While we both appreciate our parenting strengths – I have a gentle, patient, nurturing flexibility in balance with his assertive, self-disciplined, cooperative confidence – there’s a foundational understanding that the realm of the home and parenting are primarily mine. For us, this has been the key to harmony. It doesn’t mean we don’t consult or agree together on things, but there is a generous and trusting spirit that allows me the opportunity to design the family culture with his incredible support and acceptance. The tone of the home, the rhythms, and the celebrations – these responsibilities are my world.

I think his trusting acceptance that the home and children are more of my realm comes from his confidence and belief in his own gifts, skills, and passions that secure his identity. No doubt it helps that we share a common spiritual faith, but in the past 11 years a deep trust of the other has developed as well.

What will I ultimately share with my daughter about motherhood?

Choose a partner for life, wisely.
Find a man whose life decisions exhibit strength of character.
Talk about family life before you get married.

Feminism shouldn’t be about becoming the same as men. It should be about the freedom for both men and women to acknowledge the importance of nurturing children in support of one another in fulfilling our individual work in the world.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, family culture, rhythm, simplicity parenting, working mom
Posted in motherhood, Uncategorized | No Comments »

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

It’s hot here in North Carolina and my 4 year old has been wearing his flannel pajamas. It was timely to get some summer pajamas on sale. He picked out a short and t-shirt set with sharks on it. It was one of the bright spots in his day; there was a lot going on for him emotionally – may be due to lack of sleep or a build up of stress. Little things were setting him off into tears.

I share a lot of assistance to mamas about yelling, anger, and generally “losing it” because I speak from experience. Tears and tantrums are a hot button for me and I have to be intentional to respond calmly. I’m a mama who likes to feel I’m in control of things – including my children’s emotions. Intellectually I understand that children are not mature emotionally and that they express their stress through tears.

In the past few weeks I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Naomi Aldort’s book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She has a wonderful technique she calls S.A.L.V.E. that help a parent like myself respond effectively to my emotional child.

At bedtime my little guy was psyched to get into his new summer jammies. After his bath he dried off and we pulled up the shorts – but they fell down to his ankles as soon as I let them go around his waist. Uh – Oh. I peeked at the size and instead of a “4″ I see “7.” Not a good thing with a little guy on the edge.

I explained to him that we had gotten the wrong size, knowing that this would send him into tears and upset. I tried to share with him that we would exchange the clothes the next day – but you know how ridiculous that sounds to a 4 year old! So, I practiced Naomi’s S.A.L.V.E. instead as I had all day – it is amazing and wonderful.

S – Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk.

My mind immediately was wanting to put words in my mouth and instead of saying the words, I thought them, allowed them and then recognized them as unhelpful and threw them out as rubbish. I was thinking, “oh no, here we go again. He’s being so unreasonable. How am I going to get him to just move on? I’m so done today.”

A – Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head, shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.

I looked at my little boy who was so crushed. I held him while he cried.

L – Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more.

We looked at one another and he said, “I want to wear my new jammies!” He said this a few times and I nodded my head and stayed close.

V – Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.

“You wanted to wear your new summer jammies and mommy got the wrong size and now you can’t wear them tonight.” I said this same thing several times in different ways, letting him know that I understood. He cried harder when he realized I understood and, in a way, giving him permission to be upset. But the tears began to subside and within just a few minutes he was calm.

E - Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him.

In this situation, it was best to pull out a t-shirt and some light pants as a replacement for the night. He was calm while he got dressed and said, “mom, can we get the new jammies afterschool tomorrow?” “Yep, I think that will work, buddy.”

The entire jammie scene was about 3-5 minutes. In the past, it may have been a lot worse as I may have tried to reason with him and tell him that I can’t get the jammies right this minute, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t want reason; he just wanted to be allowed to be disappointed and upset that he couldn’t wear them tonight. That’s life and it’s okay to have strong feelings – especially when we have the unconditional love of a parent to be there to support us through it.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, discipline, feelings, Naomi Aldort, self-discipline, The Will
Posted in discipline | 3 Comments »

Day 10: Simplifying Discipline

Monday, April 12th, 2010

We’ve reached our last post in this series of how to create a calmer family life. We can’t end without thinking about how we can discipline our children with more ease.

It’s been extremely helpful for me to re-think discipline in our home after listening to The Soul of Discipline by Kim Payne. As a parent coach and educator I’ve participated in numerous parenting workshops and programs. All these curriculums led me down a path of setting limits and providing my children opportunities that supposedly helped them learn the wisdom of making good and bad choices. These common parenting tools include behavior modification and behavior management, systems of consequences – both logical and natural. You could hear me often say, “We’ll go to the park as soon as the toys are cleaned up.”

It didn’t happen every time, but on occassion, one of my children would “buck this system” and say, “Okay, I’m not cleaning up because I don’t want to go to the park anyway.”

Meanwhile, the other child would start crying because he would be ready to do his part in cleaning so he could be “rewarded” by the trip to the park.

Essentially, I was giving my children the choice to clean up, a chore that is something I expect them to do because it’s just what we do after we are done playing.

Many might say my daughter’s behavior is high-spirited or willful for twisting the situation into something so self-serving and seeing the loop hole to get out of cooperating.

Hmmm…or maybe she just learned the great art of manipulation from a master – her own mother! Isn’t it manipulative to offer a reward “only if you do what I say” kind of choice?

So, obviously, I don’t promote nor do I believe that manipulating my kids is good parenting.

My young children need my guidance, wisdom, and clarity to help them behave appropriately so that one day, they will be able to be self-disciplined enough to make their own healthy decisions. Essentially what I’ve come to understand is that negotiations, rewards, consequences, and deals have no place in disciplining young children.

My parenting-with-choices-approach was confusing because they really weren’t choices at all. When I linked cleaning up with a “deal” of rewarding the kids with a trip to the park, I was implying that if the reward wasn’t something they wanted then cleaning up wasn’t something they actually had to do.

So, instead of using “If, Then” parenting, I simply provide my young kids with my expectations and my instructions. Providing them with skills to complete tasks and having expectations of responsibility, is simply allowing them to see what we’re doing and how we’re doing it.

Now you can hear me say, “It’s time to clean up, guys.” I know I need to stay close and I show them that we are all in this together as a family, by helping and directing until the task is complete. Cleaning up is just part of our family chores and there are no deals that need to be created in order to convince them to do it. I direct them through the process by providing them with small, do-able tasks one at at a time – “Put all the silks in the basket.”

If there is resistance, which there was in the beginning, I merely repeat myself, stay calm, believe in my authority and guidance and insist on compliance without yelling. “Yes, Keats, this is what we’re doing right now. Let’s get it done.” It’s about being a good supervisor and knowing that it is my job to guide them. I’m not worried that my kids don’t like to clean up and that it might make them angry when I insist that they do it. It’s not about being a bully or a dictator. It’s about teaching my children responsibility and co-operation. Confidence and clear expectations really do go a long way. It’s SO tempting to bribe or threaten when your authority is doubted by a 3 foot being with a loud “No!” But mama, it is your job to put your experience and wisdom into practice and stand your ground with a gentle firmness. I really am a rock and without the “deals,” I am seeing the fruits of my clarity – there’s a lot more cooperation happening around here in a lot less time.

Because I recognize teaching my children that they will follow through with each request, I am noticing the following …

I make fewer requests – which means I don’t get sick of my own voice as much!
The requests I do make are heard and there is 100% follow-through.
We spend more time together – since I can’t make a request and walk away – my job is to be there to help them put their shoes on or take their bowl to the sink or get their clothes on in the morning -it may sound exhausting, but I only make the requests that I have the energy to ensure follow-through, if I don’t, then I don’t ask.
A lot less power struggles. Since I’m not rewarding the kids with a story or a dessert or an outing…etc. if they complete xyz task, discipline is just easier. I don’t have to make any promises and a story or a dessert or an outing is its own reward and a task is something they do because I requested it.

Mama, there’s a lot here to think about. A lot of this is in my Free Report that you received when you signed up for my Free Tool Box. If you never received it (be sure that you’ve confirmed your opt-in when you registered – you have to click on your subscription in that first email you receive from me to become confirmed) or if you haven’t read it, be sure to check it out!

Tags: assertiveness, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, intention, listening, self-discipline, simplicity parenting, teaching, The Will
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 1 Comment »

Day 9: Are We Connecting or Consuming?

Friday, April 9th, 2010

To parent today in these modern times requires a shield of armor. A shield of armor that is made up of our convictions, our opinions, and what we value. We are bombarded by the multi-billion dollar marketing campaigns that are committed to swaying us into buying more stuff. Our children are direct targets of this industry. Without a strong shield, we allow the media and the marketers to tell us what we value and what we think is healthy for our kids.

I think it’s a very personal decision for a parent to decide what they will and will not buy for their children. It’s a good reminder for all of us to recognize that what we bring into our home for our kids communicates to them what we believe is appropriate.

Are the toys and the books your children have bringing out the best creative play? We know how powerful visual images are for young children. If you allow your children to watch television, how is it affecting their sleep and/or their play? Are they really engaged with their toys or are they merely moving from one toy to the next without much connection? Does the play environment bring out their quality of peacefulness or does it bring out aggression and destruction?

In setting up a calmer home life, being intentional about what we consume for our kids certainly plays a part. For me, I know that I want to decide what is okay for my child; I do not want to hand that job over to Disney or Nick Jr. Since eliminating media from our children’s lives back in November 2009, there are a lot less demands for toys as they are less likely to see commercials.

It is rare that my children will possess a toy or piece of clothing, or a poster, bedspread, cup, toothbrush, or towel with a media character on it. Try finding a back pack or a pair of shoes without advertising Disney! It can be done, but with great determination. I am not a purist, by any means, and I had to bite my tongue when my own husband came home this week with new Tigger and Pooh electric toothbrushes and a Cars short and t-shirt set for our son! (I forgive you, sweetie). Intuitively, I just feel like the less I surround my children with images and characters, the less they will feel the need to consume and buy more. Pooh used to bring up feelings of nostalgia for me from my own childhood, now I think any item with a character on it just makes me feel like I’ve been swindled into buying yet another product from an industry that does not have the best interest for my children.

According to Simplicity Parenting, you may want to consider discarding or storing toys that are…

Broken
Developmentally inappropriate
Fixed (meaning there’s no room for imagination)
Too complicated, break easily, batteries involved, plastic
High stimulus
Annoying or offensive
Pressured to buy, commercial
Corrosive play
Multiples (too many of each)
Environmentally unhealthy/toxic

Here are some qualities of “keeper” toys…

Beloved
Visible (toys that can be immediately accessible)
Healthy for humans and planet
Can be put away in 5 minutes

It’s so easy to believe that the more toys our children have, the more they will play independently, relieving us for a bit of their demands. Not so. Often families have such elaborate playrooms filled with dazzling toys only to find that their children are still bored or worse, become destructive. Do you spend more time cleaning your children’s toys or watching your children play with their toys? This is a perfect gauge for you to identify if there’s just too much. When young kids have too many choices they aren’t able to focus and the overstimulation can lead to aggressive or destructive play.

I remember when my son turned two years old. For his birthday I bought him an adorable pretend plastic tool set. It came with it’s own box and tools “just like daddy’s.” He looked at it briefly upon opening and never once played with it. Inevitably he would find the real screwdriver and “fix” things with it. It would have been more exciting for him to get a set of real tools just his size that would have allowed him to really use and even master tool skills with our supervision.

I love wooden toys. I especially adore wooden vegetables and fruit, but it’s almost like these toys are too “fixed” for my children. They were much more interested in making a soup out of pine needles and rocks than out of the can of wooden soup mix (those round wooden carrots are so adorable!). It appears that baskets of pinecones, stones, and shells can become a variety of different things, but alas, a wooden carrot is always just a wooden carrot.

Children need play experiences more than they need more toys. The more time and space you build in your day for play, the better. The fewer toys and books, the more deeply our children engage in meaningful play. I hear my children tell me that they’re bored at least two times each day. Hearing those words used to cause me anxiety. I felt I had to fix their boredom. It made me feel guilty and responsible for entertaining them. Certainly I strive to curl up and read or tell a story with them, kick the soccer ball around with them, or lie in the hammock watching the cloud shapes as much as I can. But I’ve come to accept their bouts of boredom. It means they’re just minutes away from becoming more creative, more deeply connected to themselves and to each other.

Consumption is not a path toward calmness. I hope you will accept my gentle invitation to help your child find more connection with you and with their play by providing them with less.

Tags: Children Under Age 7, development, Kim John Payne, play, screen time, screens, simplicity parenting, toys
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 4 Comments »

Day 8: Create a Calm Environment

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

When I think about creating a more calm family life in my home, it makes sense to think about the environment. Here are 5 great tips to help you simplify your home space that you read more about here as well.

1. Make It Cozy – It’s especially important for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers to have a space that allows for good acoustics. Wood floors and high ceilings are more popular today than ever before. In these beautiful spacious homes there can be a lot of echoing – not only can this be slightly cold but it can be very difficult for our little ones to understand our words while they are learning to speak. You can create a cozier space and help the acoustics with rugs and fun cloths draped on the ceilings.

2. Natural Lighting – It’s well known that fluorescent lights are not good for our health. Thank goodness we don’t usually have fluorescent lights in our homes. The more natural light you can bring into your home, the more calming and peaceful. A lovely way to start or end the day is with candlelight. Candlelight is something that invites us to be still and quiet. As long as there is safety and supervision, it can be something to introduce into your morning or bedtime routine.

3. Reduce Noise – Some of the best ways to reduce the noise factor in our homes is to turn the TV set off when no one is watching. It’s preferable with young children to limit recorded music – radio and CDs – aren’t as preferable as live music. If you used to play the guitar, flute, piano, or the clarinet, bring it out, mama! I was so inspired by one mom who had never played an instrument and decided to teach herself the penny whistle. She began taking her penny whistle to the park with her kids – so cool. You can certainly find a lot more peace by clearing out the toys. Pssst…I give you complete permission to rid your home of those noisy toys.

4. Be Careful of Smells! – Kids are super sensitive to smells and their behavior will show it. Chemicals from toxic cleaners (mama, if you’re still using Windex, bleach, and Tide – for shame – you know I love you, right? – but, those things are terrible for our little ones and for us). Hyperactivity, aggression, poor cognition, confusion…these can all be caused by powerful smells. Time to put aside strong smelling perfumes and aftershave. Febreeze and Glade – these are strong chemicals that can hi-jack your child’s amygdala and truly be a source of difficulties you may be experiencing with the little ones. You can clean effectively and safely and open the windows for fresh air rather than creating the “fresh” scent with damaging chemicals.

5. Eat Clean – It’s time to rid your pantry, fridge, and freezer of those big hit foods and flavors. I’ve been super inspired by Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. I love veggies and I’m striving to cook more and more vegetarian and vegan meals for my family. Jamie does a great job at making those processed foods that are full of chemicals, look totally disgusting. Make a commitment to cook healthier and sign Jaime’s pledge! It’s easy to look at efficiency when we are trying to feed our kids and settle for the fake macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets, but we’re setting them up to refuse to eat real food since processed food is such “big hit flavors” that vegetables, fruit, and grains taste like cardboard to our kids. French fries do not count as a vegetable. This week I’m planning to make a delicious wheatberry salad and a lentil salad that pop with flavor and are so good for us!

Mama, there are a lot of ideas here to think about. Now, don’t overwhelm yourself and try to implement everything today. Focus on one do-able change for this week when it comes to your environment.

What tip connects to you most?

Tags: bedtime, candlelight, Children Under Age 7, family culture, Kim John Payne, meals, rhythm, routine, simplicity parenting, toys
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | No Comments »

Day 7: Simplify Birthdays, Festivals, Vacations, & Holidays

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

What truly makes something special? If there’s anything that brings more calm into our life it’s keeping the birthdays, vacations, Holy Days, and holidays fun, but low-key and very simple. It’s too easy to fall into the overwhelm and stress of making memories.

Where do you even begin in simplifying these festive times? I’ve collected ideas in the past few years that help me stay accountable to keeping things manageable and I want to share them with you to inspire you to do the same.

VACATIONS

I read a great article a few years ago in Wonder Time Magazine about a family that planned vacations in a very unique way. Their goals were to:

disconnect – unplug from cell phones, computers, and television as a family for 1-2 nights to completely get away from “life as usual”.
relax – enjoy one another’s company by being fully present without an agenda.
escape at least 4 times each year for a weekend together.
make the vacation centered on the hotel amenities – the indoor pool, big breakfast, elevator rides.
create tradition – purchasing some kind of new game to play or art project to do in the room, read or tell stories, play charades or hot potato – something easy and non-competitive.

This family took to heart that vacations with young children aren’t easy. Despite your best intentions, your little ones do so much better when their routines are upheld – their regular meals, naps, and bedtime.

A great idea is to choose a hotel like Embassy Suites 1-2 hours from home (just in case someone gets sick or hurt, home is easy to get to), buy a new game, and look forward to a relaxing hotel stay. That’s it. That ‘s the plan. When you have babies, toddlers, and preschoolers you’re going to have a higher vacation success rate because a plan like this is low-key, inexpensive, relaxing, and your expectations are super low. Getting more frequent breaks because it’s short and affordable, keeps your spirits up because you know a get-away is coming up sooner rather than later.

HOLIDAYS

It can be hard for me to hold back my excitement for particular holidays and not go overboard on decorations and activities. My favorite holiday is Halloween. I love the decorations, the pumpkin patch visits, the hot cocoa and spooky story times on-the-lawn at our local co-op, costume parties, and, of course trick-or-treating. Whew. So, I’m really trying to think about how to simplify this holiday for my family.

This year, my goal is to create a nature table for each season that allows the kids to participate and to celebrate and focus on bringing the great outdoors, in rather than filling the house with lots of nick knacks – choosing a few select items unique to that festive time. My kids love to collect things from outside and add them to the nature table. Leaves, acorns, feathers, pinecones, gourds in the fall; berries, candles, and sprigs of evergreen in winter; flowers, eggs, seedlings, and clovers in spring; and shells, drift wood, and stones in summer.

Placing the emphasis on nature will help me stay away from buying more holiday paraphernalia and from having to put up stuff, take it down, put it up, take it down. Since the seasons are longer than any given holiday, it will be less stressful.

During the holiday times, I look at all of the activities and try to focus on one or two. For example, in the fall, the pumpkin patch is a great family tradition for us and celebrating the holiday with an hour of trick-or-treating on the 31st seems reasonable.

After a gleeful night of trick-or-treating, our kids leave their bags of candy on the front porch for “The Halloween Witch.” She leaves them 3-5 pieces of candy and exchanges the rest for one small toy. This past year, my daughter received a craft kit and my son got a dragon figurine; they were thrilled and I didn’t have weeks of negotiating candy rations!

Another great tip I got from a fellow mommy blogger — keep the Halloween costume reserved for Halloween night only (and then it can go into the dress up box). Wow! This makes total sense to me since my children decide at the beginning of the month on a costume and by Halloween night they are crying because they want to be something else; the chosen costume no longer holds its allure because they’ve been wearing it all month long!

Because there is so much more to simplifying these special times for our family, I am creating an e-book chock full of ideas and tips on all of the holidays, birthdays, and vacation weeks. Stay tuned for more information about this valuable resource.

I’d love to hear your feedback about how you make your yearly traditions special and simple for your little ones.

Tags: birthdays, Children Under Age 7, family culture, festivals, holidays, rhythm, rituals, vacations
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 5 Comments »

Day 6: Create More Silence

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Interestingly enough, silence really is golden. I think the trend and best practice advice has always been to talk your way through the day with your baby, toddler, or preschooler. The thinking behind the advice to interact verbally with our children has always been about building that brain and creating those neural pathways.

What would you think if the good word was to limit your sportscasting skills?

“Parents who talk too much to (or at) their children often cause them to tune out or to rebel by arguing or being disobedient. Once family agreements have been made to do things a certain way, based on shared values, a wise parent should expect certain results…Although it is hard to be quiet, do not admonish harshly nor lecture repeatedly. Speak once, and expect to be heard.” ~ The Tao of Parenting

“When we talk over and under and around a child – when we talk too much – there’s less space for their thoughts, for what they have to say. A child’s curiosity and creativity are stifled when they believe that something is not “real” unless, or until you talk about it. It’s hard for a child to go down deeply into their play when someone is telecasting their every move. Processed information is like processed foods: quick and easy.” ~ Simplicity Parenting

I love the advice of author and therapist, Kim John Payne, to strive to say only what is kind, true, and necessary to our children. This is also acknowledging that there are some adult topics that are not suitable for little ears. Our financial challenges, sex lives, and the details of the neighbor’s divorce are not appropriate to discuss in front of our kids. This means that when our children ask us questions about the world – the things they hear and see that may be inappropriate – that we serve as a filter for them when responding to these questions.

For example, recently at a friend’s potluck my friend mentioned that her 4 year old asked her what it feels like to get your tongue pierced. Another mom responded, “Well, at least she didn’t ask you why!” The bottom line is it wouldn’t matter if she had asked why, since it would be completely inappropriate to explain sexual stimulation to a 4 year old.

I think we generally use our common sense and we know intuitively what is and what is not appropriate to tell children and to talk about in front of them; however, it’s always good to have a clear reminder because these lines seem to become more and more gray in our morally corrupt culture.

You create a standard in your home of what words are okay and what words are not. Each family will determine what sounds respectful and courteous. Here are a few samples from our home:

We don’t say “butt” – we say “bottom”

We don’t say “fart” – we say “toot”

We don’t say “boobs” – we say “beebos” or “breasts”

We don’t say “shut-up” – we say “please be quiet”

We don’t say “stupid” – we say “silly”

Words are powerful and create an atmosphere of respect and meaning. Many parents have slipped into swearing in front of their children and more and more kids use “damn,” and “hell,” and it only goes down hill from there. It may seem odd to think about talking less, filtering adult conversation, and bringing back a courteous culture when you think about creating a calmer family life. I think by focusing on how we communicate with one another, the words we choose, the topics we discuss – we create peace through these every day connections.

It would be great to hear about your courtesy standard – what words are not allowed in your home and how have you replaced them?

Tags: Children Under Age 7, communication, family culture, imitation, Kim John Payne, self-discipline, simplicity parenting, teaching
Posted in 10 Days to a Calmer Family | 4 Comments »

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