I’ve been wanting to read Janet Allison’s new book

Janet created this book in a coaching style so it really allows you to reflect on your boy through journaling.  If you’re struggling with your relationship, or with his behavior, there’s space for you to think more deeply about each.

I love that Janet reminds us that we can’t change our behavior without knowing what we want and how we ultimately envision the home or school life that we want for ourselves and our children.  You always need a map or at least a GPS to help get you to your destination!

Some of the amazing gems in this book that will help me communicate more effectively with both my husband and my little boy that will be helpful to you as well…

• Eye contact can trigger a flight or fight response in males.  We talked about this actually at my Simplicity Parenting training in Seattle.  Kim Payne explained that we should encourage the women in our groups to consult with their husbands while taking a walk or sitting side-by-side on the couch.
• Use less words.  This is such a powerful reminder, especially to us as mothers.  We tend to over-explain and describe EVERYTHING in too much detail. Keep it brief and clear.
• Speaking with authority without anger is the goal.  Janet has some great exercises in the book to help us learn this skill.
• Eliminate or decrease screen time.  I learned so much from Janet explaining that our boys’ brains are very delicate.  We need to treat our boys’ brains as delicately as we, at times, treat girls physically.  Screens cause unbelievable havoc on the boy brain, neurologically.
• This was my favorite nugget of wisdom…males have a daily testosterone cycle!  In the morning they experience a surge of testosterone and they are more likely to be more “aggressive, ambitious and determined, with a feeling of confidence and a competitive edge.”  In the afternoon they are “more agreeable to suggestions, less aggressive and less defensive.”  And in the evening it rises again but lowers around 8pm.  “Oxytocin, the ‘tend and befriend’ hormone, rises and men are more likely to talk about feelings and resolve conflicts…”
• Boys express themselves in physical ways and this can be particularly alarming as a mom because physical aggression makes us feel uncomfortable.  You can help your little boy by giving him words to express how he feels, “Wow! You love your little brother you just want to squeeze him tight.  But look!  Squeezing that tight doesn’t feel good to baby Sam.  He really loves it when you kiss his hand gently like this.”
• It’s so easy for us to communicate with our boys like they are girls – in too much detail and ask too many questions about their feelings.  Instead of saying, “how do you feel about that,” we want to ask, “what do you think about that.”  Our boys need us to speak with authority, with clear rules, and to consistently follow-through when they are not listening.
• When we yell and act aggressively toward our boy, it only releases more cortisol into their bloodstream which increase their stress and more testosterone!  Yeah, so they then become more likely to become even more challenging and aggressive.
• Guess what?  This was mind-blowing and incredibly helpful, Janet…moms, boys “naturally have less oxytocin, which makes them slower to respond to others with empathy.  They are also less likely to see how their behavior impacts their relationship with others.”  So, you need to say, “Being rough with your baby sister makes her sad and she cries.  If you want her to smile and laugh you could stand here and show her this toy she likes to look at, but you have stand back and do it so you can see her face and she can see you.”

I can’t say enough about what a helpful guide this book is for all parents, but particularly for mothers – we will have a lot more success with our boys if we know how to connect with them, understand why they do what they do.

Janet convinced me too that I need to buy Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different – and how to help them become happy and well-balanced men by Steve Biddulph.

It is so supportive to have information like this explained in simple terms so that parents can implement effective ways to handle the challenges they are experiencing and have the confidence to explain what they’re doing to those around them who may not know that consistent, loving, and firm teaching is the best method of discipline.

Thanks Janet Allison for this wonderful workbook for parents of boys!

You can also listen to the podcast of Janet and I discussing her work at

Raising Boys Podcast on Inside Out Mama Blog Talk Radio

Stay tuned! There will, obviously, be another podcast with Janet scheduled soon.

© 2007-2010, Raelee Peirce, Certified PCI Parent Coach. nobleMother.com

Related posts:

1. Am I Selfish For Wanting Quiet Time?
2. Day 8: 12 Days to Stop Yelling
3. Day 10: Simplifying Discipline

Finding our way as mothers is no easy task.

I’m grateful that my outside passions didn’t lead me outside of the home, but I do feel compassion for myself as I see how much I struggled in trying to do too much while mothering little ones.

It feels like I’m coming out of a dark haze now with a 4 and 7.5 year old. A dark haze of early motherhood.  I’m emerging into a new phase in my own development as they are in theirs.  We’ve found community through their school, I’ve found a space in the world to express my deepest passion in supporting families in the work of home life through simplicity parenting, and my husband and I have discovered a beautiful parenting harmony.

In one of my previous posts I was sharing with you my stream of consciousness around how to make it all work and what will I tell my own daughter about motherhood.  As things have developed, it is becoming more and more evident that the partner one chooses is critical to the full development of both partners.

Despite my husband’s background of an overwhelmed single mom and barely-there dad, he has an incredible desire to be present with our kids and is a true helpmate to me.  While we both appreciate our parenting strengths – I have a gentle, patient, nurturing flexibility in balance with his assertive, self-disciplined, cooperative confidence – there’s a foundational understanding that the realm of the home and parenting are primarily mine.  For us, this has been the key to harmony.  It doesn’t mean we don’t consult or agree together on things, but there is a generous and trusting spirit that allows me the opportunity to design the family culture with his incredible support and acceptance.  The tone of the home, the rhythms, and the celebrations – these responsibilities are my world.

I think his trusting acceptance that the home and children are more of my realm comes from his confidence and belief in his own gifts, skills, and passions that secure his identity.  No doubt it helps that we share a common spiritual faith, but in the past 11 years a deep trust of the other has developed as well.

What will I ultimately share with my daughter about motherhood?

Choose a partner for life, wisely.
Find a man whose life decisions exhibit strength of character.
Talk about family life before you get married.

Feminism shouldn’t be about becoming the same as men. It should be about the freedom for both men and women to acknowledge the importance of nurturing children in support of one another in fulfilling our individual work in the world.

© 2007-2010, Raelee Peirce, Certified PCI Parent Coach. nobleMother.com

Related posts:

1. What Will You Tell Your Daughter About Motherhood?
2. Day 9: 12 Days to Stop Yelling
3. So Many Bon-Bons to Eat, So Little Time

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and it resonates with me still…

On an extended morning walk this week with an intentional mama, I got the chance to think more closely about the idea of wants and needs. As you know, we must constantly strive to balance meeting our own mama needs and the needs of our family on a daily basis. Many moms are infamous for eliminating their own needs from the list in order to meet the high demands of their little ones.

However, in having this discussion, my friend shared that she has discovered that she is actually very good about meeting her needs, but that it is her wants that she denies herself. I thought that was fascinating.

Some of our common mama needs are: eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, maintaining financial security, parenting with intention, nurturing our marriage, etc. For me, striving to meet this list of needs is a task.

For my friend, these things are falling into place, but she feels the lack of simple selfish pleasures – the little things that make life joyful and even exciting and fun.

I have no problem indulging in a night of card-making/scrapbooking or meeting my friends or sisters for a cup of coffee or catching up on my DVR’d Oprah shows or spending an evening talking for 3 hours to a long-distance friend. But I intuitively feel that my needs are being neglected as my wants are fully taken care of.

Certainly there is overlap at times between our list of needs and our list of wants and there’s even some conflict between the two! Case in point: I need sleep but I want to stay up late because it is so wonderful to glow in some time alone.

My coaching question for you is: Are you favoring your needs or your wants right now? Are you finding them in conflict with one another and what is in your way of meeting both?

© 2007-2010, Raelee Peirce, Certified PCI Parent Coach. nobleMother.com

Related posts:

1. Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!
2. Day 4: 12 Days to Stop Yelling
3. What To Do When Your Kid Behaves Badly

Ever noticed a lot of upset  in the late afternoon before dinner and bedtime?

Crying and tantruming are not behaviors parents are comfortable with in their children. From the time our children were babies we’ve been taught to soothe them as much as possible, to eliminate crying, to fix what is wrong.

I invite you to explore the possibility that by eliminating the release of tension and stress that crying allows our children, that we are ultimately encouraging more whiny, demanding, unsatisfied, frustrated, and angry children.

Think about stress and anxiety for a minute. As a culture do we release our stress and anxiety in healthy ways?  The Biggest Loser is one of America’s favorite shows.  America is facing an obesity epidemic.  So, it’s clear that food is one way we may be dealing with our feelings.  Anti-depressant usage among adults, teens, and children are at an all-time high.  We are seeing more and more high profile celebrities becoming diagnosed as sex addicts.  Alcoholism and illegal and prescription drug use continues to be another way individuals cope with their emotions.

What does all of this have to do with getting your young children to sleep?

Everything.

Understanding how young children express their feelings is important knowledge for you to have as a parent so you know how you can begin creating healthy and safe ways for your child to express happiness, sadness, and even anger.

Author and parent educator, Aletha Solter explains that “there are 4 primary ways in which children cope with stress:

• talking,
• symbolic play,
• laughter,
• and crying (including raging).”

Young children will use symbolic play, laughter, crying & raging as their initial stress-release tools and as they mature, they will talk more about their feelings.

Certainly, parents encourage their children to laugh and play and talk to release energy and stress.  However, parents are not as comfortable with their child’s crying and raging because there is a false belief that their child will feel better if they would only stop crying.

“Children will not feel better until they have been allowed to cry and rage as much as needed.” ~ Aletha Solter

Okay, I know what you’re thinking here. You’re thinking, “are you crazy? I’m not going to let my kid scream his head off because his crayon broke.”

Whining, frustration, hitting, biting, defiance…hmmm…is it not interesting to think that these negative behaviors are linked to a child’s pent up stress?  Let’s think about this as it applies to your own life.  You’ve had a horrible day, nothing is going right – your computer crashed, your car won’t start, you feel a head cold coming on, then, your 3 year old is joyously running through the house with a full glass of milk and spills it all over the couch.  You hit a wall on a day like this when you just explode – you, in a very real way, have your own tantrum.

Well, young children, even when a day has gone well (from our perspective), are experiencing stresses and anxiety.  They’re learning new things, short separations from their caregiver, over-stimulation from an outing or from media,  experience an undesirable consequence, lack of attention, illness, getting hurt…

You do the best that you can to create a stress-free, simple childhood for your kids but the sources of your child’s stress are not always easy for you to detect. You don’t know until a crying jag or tantrum that a change in routine or a new friend could have caused your child anxiety or stress.

So, a typical time of the day for your child to release these tensions through, specifically crying, is between 4pm-8pm.  Instead of punishing or shaming your child for crying, let it run its course.  Accept the crying as part of the release.  Respond in a way that allows the child to fully release.  Once you’ve met their basic needs, recognize that allowing crying to occur will bring better, less restless sleep.  You want to your child to release feelings through healing tears.  Firm, but loving holding is a great way to help your young child to let go.  It’s much more comforting and nurturing than sending your child to their room or to the corner for a “time-out.”

From Parenting With Presence:

“I prefer to support my nearly three year old daughter to vent her feelings daily, often in the evening before she goes to sleep. When she doesn’t have a cry for three or four days, she starts showing that she has unexpressed feelings. She takes a long time to go to sleep even when she is tired, and moves a lot during the night. During the day she seems agitated, gets easily frustrated, and avoids being close. On the other hand, when she has a cry every day or two, she easily goes to sleep lying beside me when she is tired, is relaxed throughout the night, and happy and alert during the day. She concentrates for long periods and enjoys cuddles and closeness. Time and again the differences reassure me that crying in my arms contributes significantly to her daily well-being.”

Do you have questions about this theory? I will be sharing with you more about it and how it can support your intentional mothering ways.

© 2007-2010, Raelee Peirce, Certified PCI Parent Coach. nobleMother.com

Related posts:

1. Part 1: Getting Wee Ones to Sleep
2. What To Do When Your Child Sucks Their Thumb or Clothes
3. Day 6: 12 Days to Stop Yelling

At first I thought it was cute and that she would grow out of it, but she is not and its getting stronger.  Last week at a dinner party dd was introduced to a thumb sucking little girl.  DD sucked her thumb the entire time we were there.  As soon as we left, she was back to her usual self!  This behavior is often when she is around little girls.  Things are different when she is around little boys her age.  She most often orders them around and takes charge!  Should I be concerned?  Is this a phase?  Has anyone else experienced this?

Noble Mother’s Response:

Hi Saba,

Your daughter’s behavior is wonderfully normal and healthy!  It can certainly be disconcerting as a mom of a strong, independent little girl to see her suddenly seem to change her personality in a snap and begin to imitate another child’s behavior.  The good news is that it isn’t about conformity.  It’s one of the ways she is learning.

“Young children learn through imitating everything they see modeled in their environment” (Sharifa Oppenheimer).  We know that preschoolers who hesitate to use the potty at 2 and 3 years of age are more often encouraged to do so when they see other children their age using it.  Children who refuse to eat certain foods at home will often eat them without a fuss at a friend’s house or at school.

“Peer imitation, or matching one’s behaviors to that of a peer, is thought to be a basic developmental process,” according to researchers.  “This process facilitates learning social skills, enhances self-efficacy, and remedies skill deficits.”  It’s interesting that one of the signs of autism is the inability to imitate their peers.

So, the next time you see your little one acting like another toddler, be proud – she’s healthy, bright, and doing her job of learning all that she can from the world around her.

Warmly,

© 2007-2010, Raelee Peirce, Certified PCI Parent Coach. nobleMother.com

Related posts:

1. What To Do When Your Child Sucks Their Thumb or Clothes
2. Am I Selfish For Wanting Quiet Time?
3. Part 2: Getting Wee Ones to Sleep