Noble Mother » parenting

Boys Really Are Different

nobleMama — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 16:08:18 +0000

I’ve been wanting to read Janet Allison’s new book, Boys Alive!: Bring Out Their Best!, for months. Thankfully I got my chance during my journey to New Hampshire and I couldn’t wait to share with you some of the gems from it.

Janet created this book in a coaching style so it really allows you to reflect on your boy through journaling. If you’re struggling with your relationship, or with his behavior, there’s space for you to think more deeply about each.

I love that Janet reminds us that we can’t change our behavior without knowing what we want and how we ultimately envision the home or school life that we want for ourselves and our children. You always need a map or at least a GPS to help get you to your destination!

Some of the amazing gems in this book that will help me communicate more effectively with both my husband and my little boy that will be helpful to you as well…

Eye contact can trigger a flight or fight response in males. We talked about this actually at my Simplicity Parenting training in Seattle. Kim Payne explained that we should encourage the women in our groups to consult with their husbands while taking a walk or sitting side-by-side on the couch.
Use less words. This is such a powerful reminder, especially to us as mothers. We tend to over-explain and describe EVERYTHING in too much detail. Keep it brief and clear.
Speaking with authority without anger is the goal. Janet has some great exercises in the book to help us learn this skill.
Eliminate or decrease screen time. I learned so much from Janet explaining that our boys’ brains are very delicate. We need to treat our boys’ brains as delicately as we, at times, treat girls physically. Screens cause unbelievable havoc on the boy brain, neurologically.
This was my favorite nugget of wisdom…males have a daily testosterone cycle! In the morning they experience a surge of testosterone and they are more likely to be more “aggressive, ambitious and determined, with a feeling of confidence and a competitive edge.” In the afternoon they are “more agreeable to suggestions, less aggressive and less defensive.” And in the evening it rises again but lowers around 8pm. “Oxytocin, the ‘tend and befriend’ hormone, rises and men are more likely to talk about feelings and resolve conflicts…”
Boys express themselves in physical ways and this can be particularly alarming as a mom because physical aggression makes us feel uncomfortable. You can help your little boy by giving him words to express how he feels, “Wow! You love your little brother you just want to squeeze him tight. But look! Squeezing that tight doesn’t feel good to baby Sam. He really loves it when you kiss his hand gently like this.”
It’s so easy for us to communicate with our boys like they are girls – in too much detail and ask too many questions about their feelings. Instead of saying, “how do you feel about that,” we want to ask, “what do you think about that.” Our boys need us to speak with authority, with clear rules, and to consistently follow-through when they are not listening.
When we yell and act aggressively toward our boy, it only releases more cortisol into their bloodstream which increase their stress and more testosterone! Yeah, so they then become more likely to become even more challenging and aggressive.
Guess what? This was mind-blowing and incredibly helpful, Janet…moms, boys “naturally have less oxytocin, which makes them slower to respond to others with empathy. They are also less likely to see how their behavior impacts their relationship with others.” So, you need to say, “Being rough with your baby sister makes her sad and she cries. If you want her to smile and laugh you could stand here and show her this toy she likes to look at, but you have stand back and do it so you can see her face and she can see you.”

I can’t say enough about what a helpful guide this book is for all parents, but particularly for mothers – we will have a lot more success with our boys if we know how to connect with them, understand why they do what they do.

Janet convinced me too that I need to buy Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different – and how to help them become happy and well-balanced men by Steve Biddulph.

It is so supportive to have information like this explained in simple terms so that parents can implement effective ways to handle the challenges they are experiencing and have the confidence to explain what they’re doing to those around them who may not know that consistent, loving, and firm teaching is the best method of discipline.

Thanks Janet Allison for this wonderful workbook for parents of boys!

You can also listen to the podcast of Janet and I discussing her work at

Raising Boys Podcast on Inside Out Mama Blog Talk Radio

Stay tuned! There will, obviously, be another podcast with Janet scheduled soon.

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Boys Really Are Different

Great Resource!

nobleMama — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 10:00:33 +0000

Hey Mamas,

Last spring I found a great website and resource through Twitter. If you haven’t visited Productive Parenting you definitely should!

“Productive Parenting provides one new activity suggestion each day based on your child’s birth date! If you have soap, shoes, rulers, and rocks in or around your home, you are ready to begin! Our activities require little to no preparation or materials; but don’t let their simplicity fool you! Activities build on one another from infancy to age five to provide a solid foundation for learning and, at the same time, promote lasting parent-child relationships. Check out our sample activities and see for yourself why Productive Parenting is quickly becoming the premier activity resource for parents.”

It’s been really helpful to me on Mondays, the day that Keaton doesn’t attend preschool. I scheduled to receive a message on Mondays and I look for it as a jumping off place for he and I to do something fun together that morning.

I hope it will be a useful tool for you and your little ones as well.

Happy Monday!

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Great Resource!

Is My 2 Year Old a Conformist?

nobleMama — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:52:15 +0000

Saba’s Question: Is my daughter a conformist? She is two years and four months. I signed her up for music class. I watched her personality take a 180 degree turn. She shies away from everyone. She who responds to a complete stranger at Starbucks when they ask her questions, refuses to answer any of the teacher’s questions. The only thing she likes to do is to imitate another little girl. If she is sitting, dd will sit; if she is holding her mommy’s finger, dd wants to hold my finger and it has to be the same exact finger! If she is running around and is not listening to the teacher, dd starts running around as well. DD watches her like a hawk and mimics her to the tee!

At first I thought it was cute and that she would grow out of it, but she is not and its getting stronger. Last week at a dinner party dd was introduced to a thumb sucking little girl. DD sucked her thumb the entire time we were there. As soon as we left, she was back to her usual self! This behavior is often when she is around little girls. Things are different when she is around little boys her age. She most often orders them around and takes charge! Should I be concerned? Is this a phase? Has anyone else experienced this?

Noble Mother’s Response:

Hi Saba,

Your daughter’s behavior is wonderfully normal and healthy! It can certainly be disconcerting as a mom of a strong, independent little girl to see her suddenly seem to change her personality in a snap and begin to imitate another child’s behavior. The good news is that it isn’t about conformity. It’s one of the ways she is learning.

“Young children learn through imitating everything they see modeled in their environment” (Sharifa Oppenheimer). We know that preschoolers who hesitate to use the potty at 2 and 3 years of age are more often encouraged to do so when they see other children their age using it. Children who refuse to eat certain foods at home will often eat them without a fuss at a friend’s house or at school.

“Peer imitation, or matching one’s behaviors to that of a peer, is thought to be a basic developmental process,” according to researchers. “This process facilitates learning social skills, enhances self-efficacy, and remedies skill deficits.” It’s interesting that one of the signs of autism is the inability to imitate their peers.

So, the next time you see your little one acting like another toddler, be proud – she’s healthy, bright, and doing her job of learning all that she can from the world around her.

Warmly,

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Is My 2 Year Old a Conformist?

Am I Selfish For Wanting Quiet Time?

nobleMama — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:15:13 +0000

Question From Adrienne: How should I respond to my son’s need for constant attention and his abundance of questions? I feel like I am taken hostage at times by his demands. I feel guilty that I am not interested in what he is saying 100% of the time and that I get snappy or abrupt with him after awhile.

Noblemother’s Answer:

I wonder if you might be an introvert and your son an extravert? It could be that your son really thrives on attention and doing and going while you can do some of that, you need to have time for quiet solitude, to go internal. Many times introverted moms are pushed out of their comfort zones and have to be extraverted more than they are used to and it can make them feel more pushed, beyond their calm point.

Also, introverts need more time to process things. So, if your child puts you “on the spot” with questions, you can easily feel overwhelmed and tired by the demand to come up with answers.

I suggest ensuring that times of solitude each day – 30 minutes to 60 minutes just for yourself – become part of your daily routine. Explain to your son that you will have times when the two of you will be together and other times when it will be just for each of you to do your own thing. You can set a timer for him so he knows when he can seek you out again.

When he asks you questions there may be some that you can answer right away, but never feel like you can’t say, “you know, I need to think about that one some more. I’ll let you know my thoughts about it by lunch time.”

A great book that tells you more about your mothering style based on your personality type is called Mother Styles by Janet Penley. It’s really insightful!

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Am I Selfish For Wanting Quiet Time?