Noble Mother » motherhood

Raising Children & Sharing Your Gifts With the World? A Lot Depends on Who You Married

nobleMama — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 15:05:28 +0000

Finding our way as mothers is no easy task. The past 7.5 years have been such a journey of discovery for me. In hindsight I would focus solely on my babies without the distraction of also pursuing my passions. Babies and toddlers just don’t stay babies and toddlers forever and creating the family nest for everyone takes energy and time.

I’m grateful that my outside passions didn’t lead me outside of the home, but I do feel compassion for myself as I see how much I struggled in trying to do too much while mothering little ones.

It feels like I’m coming out of a dark haze now with a 4 and 7.5 year old. A dark haze of early motherhood. I’m emerging into a new phase in my own development as they are in theirs. We’ve found community through their school, I’ve found a space in the world to express my deepest passion in supporting families in the work of home life through simplicity parenting, and my husband and I have discovered a beautiful parenting harmony.

In one of my previous posts I was sharing with you my stream of consciousness around how to make it all work and what will I tell my own daughter about motherhood. As things have developed, it is becoming more and more evident that the partner one chooses is critical to the full development of both partners.

Despite my husband’s background of an overwhelmed single mom and barely-there dad, he has an incredible desire to be present with our kids and is a true helpmate to me. While we both appreciate our parenting strengths – I have a gentle, patient, nurturing flexibility in balance with his assertive, self-disciplined, cooperative confidence – there’s a foundational understanding that the realm of the home and parenting are primarily mine. For us, this has been the key to harmony. It doesn’t mean we don’t consult or agree together on things, but there is a generous and trusting spirit that allows me the opportunity to design the family culture with his incredible support and acceptance. The tone of the home, the rhythms, and the celebrations – these responsibilities are my world.

I think his trusting acceptance that the home and children are more of my realm comes from his confidence and belief in his own gifts, skills, and passions that secure his identity. No doubt it helps that we share a common spiritual faith, but in the past 11 years a deep trust of the other has developed as well.

What will I ultimately share with my daughter about motherhood?

Choose a partner for life, wisely.
Find a man whose life decisions exhibit strength of character.
Talk about family life before you get married.

Feminism shouldn’t be about becoming the same as men. It should be about the freedom for both men and women to acknowledge the importance of nurturing children in support of one another in fulfilling our individual work in the world.

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Raising Children & Sharing Your Gifts With the World? A Lot Depends on Who You Married

That Sneaky Summer…

nobleMama — Sat, 29 May 2010 01:07:11 +0000

It’s Saturday already. How did that happen?

It happened between the school days, a first visit of the season to the outdoor pool, additions to the gem collection found in the gravel driveway, high jumps on the trampoline, blown kisses good-night, and the desire to own a baby bearded dragon.

Summer is sneaking up on us, mamas. Soon we will have our homes buzzing with activity all day long with our little ones. I’m thinking creatively about my daily plan. There’s been a shift, a very pleasant and grateful shift for us. With a 7.5 and 4 year old, I’m planning to work in the morning hours as their best time of creative play and independence occurs first thing when the dawn breaks.

We’ll have our lunch and chores and then it will be off to the pool for the afternoon on those long hot North Carolina days and we’ll save visits to the Museum of Life and Science and the Free Bowling coupons for those few and far between rainy afternoons.

My goal is a slow summer.

My mind is still grasping this transition as I blog over at Kim Payne’s site, author of Simplicity Parenting and strive to adjust to maintaining my blog here too. All of my simplicity posts will be written over there and it would be so generous of you to pass the word and help Kim out by making comments on the Power of Less blog. Lots of meaty topics to discuss. I’m looking for volunteer slow parenting guest bloggers. If you’d like a post to appear on the blog at Simplicity Parenting, please contact me.

What is coming up for you as you think about the approaching summer season? Are you worried about these months of free time, are you looking forward to the season?

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That Sneaky Summer…

What Will You Tell Your Daughter About Motherhood?

nobleMama — Sat, 22 May 2010 02:45:43 +0000

I have had a lot on my mind lately about the state of motherhood. I have to be honest, it is my nature not to want to cause conflict or to challenge anyone’s choices when it comes to something as personal as parenting and mothering.

At the same time I have an inner fire burning in my chest to free women from the unbelievable and ridiculous standard of expectations we’ve heaped upon ourselves. One of the many beautiful gifts I’ve learned from becoming a simplicity parenting group leader is to become more curious rather than confrontational when there’s a difference of opinion, to listen with soft eyes, and to find the intention behind spoken words.

So, with those principles in mind, I invite you to read my stream of consciousness…

I will be first to admit that this mothering gig has been vastly more challenging and humbling than I ever could have imagined. I will also admit that there are many days I would prefer to have lots of time to think, reflect, and sit in the sweetness of silence.

At the same time, I honor motherhood and its personal tests. The journey is stretching me to strengthen my character, my spiritual qualities like no other role has.

Because I do respect mothering, there is an inner desire to fully embrace it, especially now while my youngest is still in preschool. How quaint and retro of me to yearn for full-time homemaking. Really? Are we really so bitter and jaded about gardening, homemade meals, clean spaces, and time for personal connection with our children that this ideal of nourishing our very spirit with these simple rhythms and routines is just too old fashioned?

I think in our quest to be valued that we didn’t fight for the feminine qualities that capture the true greatness of women but instead we fought for the right to be…men. We fought to work outside the home and in the home. Great. Now everyone is working. Men and women. The babies? The babies are being outsourced to the “professionals” or they are at home with us and responded to between work calls and email responses.

There are days when I catch my breath and wonder, “is this what I want?” I sleep to the last minute I can after sometimes, a restless night of scared or ill little ones, to ready everyone for the day ahead. Without a moment of reflection, I pack lunches, tie shoes, and drive the van for the school drop-off. I head home for a quick breakfast, glance at the piles of laundry, papers, toys, and art materials that I have no time to organize or handle because there are posts to write, clients to call – a pressure to earn. There’s guilt about the grocery store trip I need to take or the cat box that needs to be emptied.

But it is the relationships and the deep connections that are sacrificed by living this hurried life as a wanna-be homemaker who strives toward breadwinning and self-fulfillment through career.

Let’s be honest. There is no work-life balance, at least not while mothering children under age 7. Is it necessary for us to be striving to be a mother of little ones, the nest maker, and a breadwinner all at once? Aren’t there enough years to give each experience it’s own time and attention? I am befuddled at our belief that we must be everything to everyone in the same moment.

My thoughts on all of this are still percolating. I feel especially thoughtful when I think about what I want to share with my own daughter about motherhood and what it is and how she might go about it. I want it to be easier for her. I want to create a society for her that actually believes the mother-child bond is unique, sacred, and worth a few years of our undivided attention.

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What Will You Tell Your Daughter About Motherhood?

Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!

nobleMama — Mon, 03 May 2010 14:44:45 +0000

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I am offering you the opportunity to receive a copy of Renee Trudeau’s beautiful book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.

This book is not only full of incredible wisdom and guidance for moms as they experience motherhood, it is a book you will enjoy touching. The book serves as a companion guide, a journal, and a source of reference. The smooth blue and green cover and the journaling pages inside make it a gorgeous coffee table or bedside book for all new and not-so-new mamas.

To win this free copy that will be snail mailed to the lucky mama, just comment on this post and let me know what self-care ritual you have incorporated into your daily or weekly life with young children. Be sure to mention the ages of your children.

I look so forward to reading how all of you are striving to renew your spirit despite the challenges you might be experiencing with lack of sleep and overwhelm that parenting young children brings.

Need more help making self-care a priority? Join Renee Trudeau for a Free Class this month on Reclaiming Adventure in Your Life – this is part of the Live Inside Out movement Renee started. Visit the link and find out the details about the free class.

If you experience problems in making a comment on this post, make sure you click on the post title on the actual website of noblemother.com

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Mama, You Deserve A Free Gift!

What Mama Needs Vs What Mama Wants

nobleMama — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 14:12:30 +0000

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and it resonates with me still…

On an extended morning walk this week with an intentional mama, I got the chance to think more closely about the idea of wants and needs. As you know, we must constantly strive to balance meeting our own mama needs and the needs of our family on a daily basis. Many moms are infamous for eliminating their own needs from the list in order to meet the high demands of their little ones.

However, in having this discussion, my friend shared that she has discovered that she is actually very good about meeting her needs, but that it is her wants that she denies herself. I thought that was fascinating.

Some of our common mama needs are: eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising, maintaining financial security, parenting with intention, nurturing our marriage, etc. For me, striving to meet this list of needs is a task.

For my friend, these things are falling into place, but she feels the lack of simple selfish pleasures – the little things that make life joyful and even exciting and fun.

I have no problem indulging in a night of card-making/scrapbooking or meeting my friends or sisters for a cup of coffee or catching up on my DVR’d Oprah shows or spending an evening talking for 3 hours to a long-distance friend. But I intuitively feel that my needs are being neglected as my wants are fully taken care of.

Certainly there is overlap at times between our list of needs and our list of wants and there’s even some conflict between the two! Case in point: I need sleep but I want to stay up late because it is so wonderful to glow in some time alone.

My coaching question for you is: Are you favoring your needs or your wants right now? Are you finding them in conflict with one another and what is in your way of meeting both?

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What Mama Needs Vs What Mama Wants

So Many Bon-Bons to Eat, So Little Time

nobleMama — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 10:00:54 +0000

So much of my work on my blog and coaching work with other mothers is inspired by my own personal challenges as a mom.

This past Fall, after sending out an invitation to join me for a cup of morning Joe to all the 1st grade parents, I received an email from one of the recipients that said, “Sorry, some of us actually have to work for a living and aren’t rich, spoiled stay-at-home Moms.”

Some of you may remember it as I wrote about it in my e-zine.

It’s never been easy, but this past week felt particularly difficult as a mom at home. Our family, like so many other families I know, is experiencing the pains of financial overwhelm. I don’t regret making the decision to stay home with my children 7 years ago. My values and my desire to create the kind of family life I’ve always imagined meant that I would put my energies into nurturing my babies and keeping the home fires burning. Despite the trials, it does have its rewards.

I imagined working from home becoming less complicated as our children got older and more independent. Somehow, the financial responsibilities make it necessary for me to figure out how to generate more income. I have had to think about the possibility of going back to work. I met with one of my favorite former bosses over dinner back in November. I felt a rush, imagining myself returning to the world I knew and loved prior to having my children.

My head began to spin on the way home from that dinner. I imagined the reality of such a change for our family. For seven years I haven’t had to figure out alternative childcare, after-school options, sick-care plans, or summer camp registration so that I could work outside the home. All of a sudden thinking about working again in my field felt overwhelming and daunting. I began to imagine the hurried mornings, the long days that would circle me back to my home in time for dinner, bath, and bedtime for my children. It is amazing to think about how much of their lives I would miss.

It wouldn’t be my arms my 4 year old would run into after preschool and I wouldn’t hear his tales of pretend play or the treasure he found in the gravel. I wouldn’t get to lie next to him on the couch for a story and a nap. There wouldn’t be an afternoon of sibling play or before-dinner-chores.

It isn’t easy working from home. There are days I envy the moms who have figured it out so that they have the uninterrupted time to work in their field each day, leave the work at the office so that when they’re home they dedicate their time to their family. Designing my own business at home has meant stolen moments to write, read, and coach. Mornings, evening, weekends, naptimes, …these become work hours. When I’m not working, I’m cleaning, guiding, cooking, and chauffeuring.

I’m committed to make working from home a success. Although, it meant moving out of our home, renting an apartment, and ultimately sharing a home with my parents – something we have found incredibly successful, it has always felt intuitively right. We’ve taken the road less traveled. There’s no easy path, but on the road to creating simplicity and nurturing a slow childhood, I hope I can be a source of support to others.

In a culture that defines success as making and doing more, I’m choosing to swim upstream with no regrets – pass the bon-bons.

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So Many Bon-Bons to Eat, So Little Time

Sweet Connection

nobleMama — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 04:02:18 +0000

Since returning from Seattle this past Tuesday night, I’ve had two full days of sweet connections with my little ones. Both haven’t felt quite well – chest colds and sniffles. The morning of my return I got to spend some quiet morning time with my 7 year old, brushing her hair and picking out her clothes.

She was genuinely happy to see me and it felt wonderful to hold her and listen to her stories once again. My 4 year old woke up shortly there after and came bounding down the hallway into my arms. His little body fits so perfectly in my arms, with his legs wrapped around my waist, his arms around my neck.

The night before I had sat next to a mom in fatigues on the plane ride home. She told me that she’d been away from her 1 year old and 4 year old since just after Halloween; 4.5 months without her husband and children. It’s hard to imagine that kind of time passing without the snuggles of little arms. I felt gratitude, appreciation, empathy, and compassion all in one moment sitting next to that mama.

Tonight I rocked my 7 year old after my youngest fell asleep. She and I used to rock together every night before bedtime. We had special songs and prayers which felt right in singing and saying tonight during our nightly bedtime routine. She’s growing up so fast and I know that her long legs won’t fit across mine for much longer.

There really is nothing like it when you can be fully in the moment as a mama. It doesn’t happen all the time or, at least, I haven’t yet mastered the skill of round-the-clock mindfulness. I’m just really appreciating when the moment finds me. I’m hoping you’re finding these moments within the mayhem of motherhood too.

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Sweet Connection

Remembering Our Purpose

nobleMama — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 10:00:27 +0000

Parenting young children can be a lot like one of my favorite movies, Ground Hog Day. I haven’t seen it in awhile and I think I’ll find it on Netflix and watch it again. It’s one of those movies that makes me laugh and just feel good by the end.

Fortunately, I have the joy and honor to connect one-on-one with other moms through coaching to keep my days interesting and inspirational, unlike Bill Murray’s character.

I know that for you, life right now may be a series of disturbed nightly rest, early mornings, daily tasks of getting yourself ready and one or more children, setting up the play dough or the paints, cleaning it up, making snack, bundling to go outside, coming inside, diaper changes or potty breaks or accidents, wiping faces and bottoms and noses, putting shoes on and taking them off, washing dishes, kids, and dogs, cooking, cleaning, carpooling…

I think we forget why we’re doing all of this. The big picture gets lost along the way.

A client and I read this virtues card this morning to help ground us in that bigger picture. It was wonderful to read the words and I thought more moms would benefit from the card as well. We know that the bigger picture is about nurturing our children into people of character.

I remember my birth doula told me “every push is bringing you closer to meeting your new baby.”

Maybe every new challenge is bringing you closer to your true self.

Fortitude

Fortitude is strength of
character. It is the will to
endure no matter what
happens, with courage,
confidence, and patience.
Fortitude is deeply
rooted in the bedrock of
our will. We cultivate it
by strengthening our
resolve to face whatever
comes. It springs from
devotion to a purpose we
believe to be real and
important. It grows as we
face and overcome
insurmountable obstacles.
It keeps us going. Our
fortitude can astonish us.
~The Virtues Project

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Remembering Our Purpose

Having a Daughter

nobleMama — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 13:42:20 +0000

When I stared down at that positive pregnancy stick almost 7.5 years ago, I was convinced I was having a girl. I was elated and on top of the world. I imagined that she might have my dark hair and brown eyes and take on my husband’s slender build. It was exciting to think that I was creating a little mini version of myself.

While I was pregnant with her I dreamed of the days in the future when we would spend time running errands, laughing together over stories, and thoroughly enjoying each others company. I imagined it this way because this was how it had been with my own mother. As a child my aim was to please my mom, to make her happy not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to. I loved pleasing my mom. If I did something to disappoint her or to upset her, I felt awful. I rarely disobeyed.

My own daughter was born in late October in 2002 and her birth was not what I had planned. She had a plan all her own. I remember feeling like I had somehow failed her as a mom because I couldn’t push her out. She was cut out of me and it seemed so disruptive and jarring to both of us. I hoped she didn’t feel abandoned in those first few hours when they separated her from me because her apgar score was only a 7. My arms ached to hold her even through my exhaustion.

When the tight swaddled bundle was put into my arms at 2am it was just the two of us awake, staring at each other. I looked into her face. Her blue eyes were watery and deep; I ran my fingers through her tuft of strawberry blond hair. Who was this little girl? She looked nothing like me. It surprised me when an overwhelming emotion of love enveloped me and even though I desperately needed to sleep, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, this little stranger.

I think the challenge that began that day and continues today is not wanting her to be like me. She’s her own exuberant, joyful person. She doesn’t necessarily want or need to please me nor does she deliberately seek to disappoint me. She’s confident and bright. She’s independent. I know we’re connected, yet not in the way I had imagined we would be when she was growing inside me.

Parenting her is like white water rafting. I’m thrilled and terrified all at the same time.

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Having a Daughter