Noble Mother » discipline

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

nobleMama — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 03:30:54 +0000

I’m working this summer from home in the mornings and I did feel so organized and blessed to have a mother’s helper until her schedule changed and I had to come up with Plan B. Plan B is shaky and interesting. It involves my 7 year old keeping my 4 year old busy with crafts and stories and snacks! Today was day one of Plan B.

My daughter was wonderful. She had stories planned, a lovely art activity, … She felt secure in creating her own rhythm for her brother. Unfortunately, the rhythm didn’t feel secure enough for my 4 year old and I could tell that he was overwhelmed by choices and the feeling that I was unavailable, despite my physical presence in the same room.

It’s so common for parents to believe that we are respecting our young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power we are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them, can be the reason for tantrums and defiance, and ultimately, if continued over time, can develop a little one into the family bully or tyrant.

Developmentally, young children under age 7 need us to be the benevolent Kings and Queens of the home. We provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next. It is clear that my little boy needs Plan B to have more structure, more emotional availability from me to him. So tomorrow I will be guiding them both through the morning. “You may have outdoor play for a little while on the trampoline and then it will be time for some drawing inside.” A little structure and guidance will open a window for him to feel more creative later in the morning when he might get bored, and as in those brilliant boredom moments of the past, create a game by himself or with his sister.

I think more parents in our generation believe that our children should have choices throughout the day - about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.

It is so tempting to allow our little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily we can let ourselves give into their demands, if we aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.

Just yesterday my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing and ran to me, “She hit me!” I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”"

When my 4 year old gets frustrated with me and starts to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach him how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family.”

Are you giving your little one too many choices?

Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?

Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, our princes and princesses are happier when we confidently and wisely take the lead.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Too Many Choices Create Mini Tyrants

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

nobleMama — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 20:48:44 +0000

It’s hot here in North Carolina and my 4 year old has been wearing his flannel pajamas. It was timely to get some summer pajamas on sale. He picked out a short and t-shirt set with sharks on it. It was one of the bright spots in his day; there was a lot going on for him emotionally – may be due to lack of sleep or a build up of stress. Little things were setting him off into tears.

I share a lot of assistance to mamas about yelling, anger, and generally “losing it” because I speak from experience. Tears and tantrums are a hot button for me and I have to be intentional to respond calmly. I’m a mama who likes to feel I’m in control of things – including my children’s emotions. Intellectually I understand that children are not mature emotionally and that they express their stress through tears.

In the past few weeks I’ve been thoroughly enjoying Naomi Aldort’s book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. She has a wonderful technique she calls S.A.L.V.E. that help a parent like myself respond effectively to my emotional child.

At bedtime my little guy was psyched to get into his new summer jammies. After his bath he dried off and we pulled up the shorts – but they fell down to his ankles as soon as I let them go around his waist. Uh – Oh. I peeked at the size and instead of a “4″ I see “7.” Not a good thing with a little guy on the edge.

I explained to him that we had gotten the wrong size, knowing that this would send him into tears and upset. I tried to share with him that we would exchange the clothes the next day – but you know how ridiculous that sounds to a 4 year old! So, I practiced Naomi’s S.A.L.V.E. instead as I had all day – it is amazing and wonderful.

S – Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk.

My mind immediately was wanting to put words in my mouth and instead of saying the words, I thought them, allowed them and then recognized them as unhelpful and threw them out as rubbish. I was thinking, “oh no, here we go again. He’s being so unreasonable. How am I going to get him to just move on? I’m so done today.”

A – Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head, shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.

I looked at my little boy who was so crushed. I held him while he cried.

L – Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more.

We looked at one another and he said, “I want to wear my new jammies!” He said this a few times and I nodded my head and stayed close.

V – Validate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.

“You wanted to wear your new summer jammies and mommy got the wrong size and now you can’t wear them tonight.” I said this same thing several times in different ways, letting him know that I understood. He cried harder when he realized I understood and, in a way, giving him permission to be upset. But the tears began to subside and within just a few minutes he was calm.

E - Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him.

In this situation, it was best to pull out a t-shirt and some light pants as a replacement for the night. He was calm while he got dressed and said, “mom, can we get the new jammies afterschool tomorrow?” “Yep, I think that will work, buddy.”

The entire jammie scene was about 3-5 minutes. In the past, it may have been a lot worse as I may have tried to reason with him and tell him that I can’t get the jammies right this minute, blah, blah, blah. He didn’t want reason; he just wanted to be allowed to be disappointed and upset that he couldn’t wear them tonight. That’s life and it’s okay to have strong feelings – especially when we have the unconditional love of a parent to be there to support us through it.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

How to Handle the Tears & Tantrums Without a Mommy Meltdown

Develop Your Child’s Strong Will, Really!

nobleMama — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 22:25:43 +0000

The Will is the first developmental stage for our young children ages 0-9. This explains why it is so difficult for mamas to reign in these little ones, to guide these “will forces.” It is most important during these early years for your little one to be active.

Helping your young child to be active and in their body is vital to their healthy growth, rather than overwhelming them with more advanced thinking with early reading, spelling, and math tasks and games. I actually find this freeing and helpful in keeping life with little ones much more simple.

Children during this stage think in pictures. Their thinking is not logical, intellectual, or abstract. At ages 3 and 4 our children are filled with questions. All that is needed are simple direct answers without too much detail. Questioning and believing are the methods by which they learn. Knowing and understanding come later. Storytelling can replace teaching your child more advanced thinking skills. Telling your child stories allows their brain the opportunity to create pictures and to develop a fertile imagination.

Following the natural development process of our child will allow them to fully flourish at each stage without stress or pressure.

Our young children see the world much differently than we do. Children gain an adult consciousness gradually. This gradual “awakening” can be referred to as “incarnating.” “Incarnating” means coming into the body or into earthly life. Essentially, if a child does not come into their body, he remains childlike. Incarnating occurs naturally and should not be rushed or slowed.

After my weekend of Simplicity Parenting training, I’m understanding the full scope of our good intentions to enrich our children’s lives. Your 3 year old loves ballet or soccer or gymnastics – or your 4 year old is spelling and reading. It takes so much more intention for parents, of our generation, to hold our children back from what our children seem to “want” or what they seemed “gifted” to do. Inadvertently, in hopes of enriching our children’s lives, we are, in fact, pushing our little ones into adult consciousness, rushing them toward incarnating too quickly.

What are the consequences? We may see more behavioral challenges – defiance, biting, hitting, tantrums – or even labeling of ADHD, ADD, etc. The reason it can manifest in these ways is because being rushed toward adult consciousness, or toward “awakening” is stressful for the spirit.

During childhood, time exists in the moment and the “tasks” of running, swinging, spinning, playing, and imagining are, in this day, being replaced. Due to our own addiction to being busy, we are replacing the dreamy state of childhood with too much screen time, scheduled classes and sports, and unpredictable fast meals and bedtimes.

Our children are born into a dreamy, stream-of-consciousness, a zen-like place – a golden room. Young children have the capacity to be truly in the moment. They are not burdened by the past or the future. They have no concept of a “to-do” list of tasks that need to be completed.

They can’t understand what waiting for 10 minutes actually means nor do they really grasp the concept of “grandpa gets back from his trip in 3 days.” In the dreamy golden room, time is only understood in the “now.”

According to Kim John Payne in his CD The Soul of Discipline, The Will stage of development is about doing, moving, growing, coordinating. Our kids learn things by…

repetition: discipline is easier when you recognize that you will repeat rules, instructions, and requests because it is part of this developing stage.
doing: if our children are only “told” to do something we will see that this rarely works as well as showing them what we want them to do. They need to move; sitting still for this younger age is not an appropriate expectation; short time of being still can be practiced in order to help them become better at it.
imitating: they negotiate, yell at us, and say “no” because they do what they see and hear. When we become more self-disciplined, rhythmical, predictable, and more peaceful, so will they.

I think all of us would agree in this community of intentional mamas, unlike generations in the past once demanded, we aren’t looking for “blind obedience.” We do recognize our children as unique individuals whom we do not want to manipulate nor control. We want our children to make good, healthy choices and we want them to be intrinsically motivated.

Our young children thrive on knowing what we expect, how to make the right choices, and how to behave appropriately in different situations.

I think it’s also safe to say that we want to help our child develop a healthy will. What do I mean by a healthy will?

Before I left on my trip last week to Seattle, I was exercising regularly and my body was accustomed to the daily stretching and resistance; I was able to work harder and harder each day. When I returned after 5 days without exercising and I started my workout the day I got back, I was shocked at how weak and slow I felt. It felt like my muscles weren’t as strong and I had to start at a lower level of activity than I was at before I left. My muscles were weak.

The same can be true of a child in these early years who will not take direction nor comply to a request. This is not the description of a child with a strong will. In fact, this child is exhibiting a weak will, just like my muscles after a spell of not being worked out, this child needs to practice meeting resistance. A parent can be assured that their little one is needing more of their consistent limits and reasonable expectations and rhythmical predictability, not through punishment, but through staying close and helping the child to follow-through with the tasks.

Stay tuned for more insights, mama. This is truly just the beginning!

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Develop Your Child’s Strong Will, Really!

What To Do When Your Kid Behaves Badly

nobleMama — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:07:58 +0000

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to figure out how to respond to a real physical conflict between my daughter and a friend. Last weekend, I got my opportunity!

We have the most amazing and dear neighbors who moved in this past Fall. It was such a blessing to us because we live in the country and scheduling play dates for our kids is not always easy. I really missed the days when kids could knock on the door and ask to play after school.

Really, we couldn’t have lucked out more than we did with our new neighbors. Not only were they just down the gravel road from us, but the genders and ages are perfect for our kids. They have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old boy – just like us!

Once we established that the ages were a match we scheduled some after school play dates and discovered that the little group was very compatible. It’s been so much fun for us, as parents, and for the kids to have a connection so close by to another family.

Last weekend, all went fairly well on a typical play date at our home. The children played until their dad came to pick them up. Unfortunately, my daughter’s assertiveness turned into aggression toward her friend and in an effort to get her playmate to be quiet in their secret hiding spot, she smacked her with a broom out of frustration. Her friend wasn’t at all happy and she pushed my daughter and ran to her car to go home. To make matters worse, all of this “went down” outside of parental vision.

I’m thankful for my daughter’s fearless honesty and her desire to be forgiven. The whole story spilled out in a tumble of tears and remorse. I held her and companioned her through her feelings and her choice in expressing her anger with her friend. I know that many parents may believe that these incidents happen and that they just need to be patted away or scoffed as typical kid stuff. I wholeheartedly disagree. After learning about better ways to cope with conflict through Kim John Payne’s Social Inclusion work, I felt prepared to help the girls through this tiff.

These moments when our children are most troubled by their own moral choice is a great teachable moment in their life. How we confront our fear and embarrassment when we do something that is not kind or appropriate is a big life lesson. I explained to my daughter that I would call our neighbor’s and check in on her friend to see if she is alright and to find a time that we could all talk about what happened.

Of course, she was really scared and upset that I would call and talk about what she did. As my child’s spiritual mentor, it is necessary for me to help navigate through these scary and challenging moments for her. I assured her that no one was angry with her but that it is important that we let their family know that she is sorry for what she did.

So, I called and spoke to our fantastic neighbors. They shared that their child was very shaken and upset and not ready to talk about it. We agreed to hold off on a face-to-face meeting until the next morning.

An incident like this may not physically or emotionally affect your child, but for many it will. My own daughter was very stressed, anxious, and worried. To release her anxiety, we held her while she cried. The next morning we talked about our scheduled visit and she cried again.

With much reluctance she came with me and we sat together on the couch – the two moms and our daughters.

Me: “Girls, no one is in trouble. Something happened yesterday before you left and we want to talk about it. I. shared with me that she felt frustrated that you were talking when your dad came to pick you up because she wanted all of you to hide together so he wouldn’t find you. You were so excited that you kept talking and that’s when she hit you with the broom. What is your understanding?” [I'm looking at our neighbor's mom].

Neighbor’s Mom: “Yes, that sounds right. The girls were hiding and my daughter was very excited and didn’t stop talking and I. got nervous that they would be discovered so she hit her with the broom.”

Me: “Did we get the story right, girls?”

Both girls nodded, mine tearfully and burying herself into my side.

Me: “What would help make you feel better about this problem?” [I'm looking at my daughter's friend.]

Neighbor Child: “A sorry.”

My daughter: “I want to go home.”

Me: [Gently and with empathy]. “Okay, I., I know this hard; your friend needs to hear an apology. We want her to feel safe and happy again. I think it will help you too. We can go home as soon as you can tell your friend something from your heart.”

We waited a bit in a friendly silence, giving my daughter the space to have the courage to apologize. It was definitely not an easy moment for her. And then…

My daughter: [With unsolicited eye contact, gentleness, and conviction]. “I’m sorry P.”

It was a very sweet and honorable apology and her friend responded graciously with a “thank you.”

Within a few minutes the girls were laughing and having fun again and the incident was behind them. Later, in the car, my daughter confided in me and said, “Mom, that was really embarrassing.” I nodded and replied, “I know sweetie. I’m so proud of you for showing so much courage in being honest about making a mistake and facing your friend to tell her you’re sorry. That was really brave.”

I believe I’m just at the beginning of a new stage with my daughter. There are new challenges for us and I’m having to dig deep for a new level of compassion, self-discipline, and understanding myself.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

What To Do When Your Kid Behaves Badly

Family Culture & Discipline Are Connected!

nobleMama — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:12:13 +0000

You won’t want to miss this month’s FREE parent coaching call that will help you look more closely at your family culture and how it is shaping how you discipline your children. Discipline is just one part of parenting your children well. I hope you will let me know if this topic interests you and if you plan to be on the Free Call!

Topic: Love’s Other Name: Discipline

Let’s explore how “discipline is established in the subtle atmosphere of the home.” Define more clearly your family culture and behavior can be managed much more easily.

“If we are not satisfied with their [our children's] behavior, first we must look at the family culture, or these four areas of Family Rhythms, Family Work and Play, Child’s Play, and the Child’s Artistic Expression.”

We’ll be using Sharifa Oppenheimer’s book, Heaven On Earth, as a reference. A pdf hand-out will be provided for each participant prior to the call.

Date: Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Time: 10:30am EST

Conference Number: 518-825-1400

Pin Code: 941405

This call is *F R E E*

**Can’t make this call because of a scheduling conflict? No worries, it’s recorded and available to play or download until our next parent coaching call in November.

Visit this post on-line and share your comments.

Family Culture & Discipline Are Connected!