Hi Raelee,
I just wanted to let you know of a really rewarding experience I had with B this morning.
After a super hectic holiday and quite an extended period of disrupted routine, I was noticing a lot of “behaviors”. He was more easily frustrated, more quick to resort to tears and shouting “no”, hitting, and throwing. His attention span was greatly diminished. And he was playing on his own A LOT less (he generally plays calmly about 50% of our day). Yesterday, I was feeling pretty low about the whole situation myself which, of course, just seemed to make matters worse.
This morning, I stopped negotiating. I stopped trying to make it easier for him. I stopped trying to compromise, to please him. I refused to play trucks when he wanted me to, offering cuddles, stories, block or play dough instead. I refused to get out another activity when he immediately gave up on the first one he had requested.
And, guess what? He cried a lot. He pulled my arms and insisted. He threw something. I took it away (that’s the rule). He flailed his arms at me. I said, “You may not hurt me. I will not let you hit.” And he went for his blanket and his binky and self soothed for about 5 minutes. Then he latched on to something else and we went through the same routine.
I stuck with my answers. I re-emphasized the expectations and the boundaries of what was acceptable. Rather than catering to him in an effort to make things easier on us both – which I had been doing out of exhaustion and frustration since the holidays – I stated the rule and I stuck by it. And I didn’t go along with what he wanted to do when I knew I would be miserable and resentful.
And that was it. He was back to his calm, cheerful, focused self – the little guy I had been missing since the hectic holidays. Woo Hoo for routine! We had a fabulous day together, going through the familiar daily rituals. And the suppertime breakdowns in the evening were even far improved over the past couple of days. I feel like he really just needed the parameters drawn again and that’s why he had been “acting up”. It just took me a while to catch on!
Peace,
S.
Thanks so much to S. for sharing her success story! I hope this supports the noble mother community as we strive to figure out the best way to respond to our children when they are challenged by their own daily inner work. I would recommend reading this article about tears and crying by Aletha Solter to continue your understanding about the necessity of allowing children the space to work out their own stress, anxiety, and traumas through crying. I welcome your success stories as well as your parenting challenges, mamas!!
~Raelee
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Tags: Aletha Solter, assertiveness, Aware Parenting, Children Under Age 7, choices, communication, consequences, discipline, family culture, fortitude, independence, rhythm, rituals, routine, self-discipline, tantrums, teaching, tears
Dear Raelee,
The above entry was so interesting. After reading it I also read your recommended article by Aletha Solter. I have never heard of such a perspective of crying as Dr. Solters. Have you had personal experience with her approach and if so how did it work and what do you think of it? After exploring Dr. Solter’s website I found the name of a certified instructor in Chapel Hill. Do you know anything about the work the Aware Parenting Instructors provide? I’m not really sure about this approach but am definitely intrigued. I would very much appreciate your insight.
Thank you so much for your wonderful website!
Maria
Hi Maria,
I’ve been reading Aletha’s Solter’s books for a couple of years and using the strategies with my own children. It’s been so helpful for me to give them more space to work through their emotions, to become more calm, for our days to ebb and flow from upset to peacefulness without it phasing me as much as it did when they were younger without the knowledge of crying-in-arms and the Aware Parenting philosophy. Yes! I know Wendy Mann, the instructor in Chapel Hill; she’s wonderful and I highly recommend her. It’s such a fascinating approach to our children and their behavior. Dive in, mama! I’ll be exploring these concepts more in depth in my up-coming Mother’s Circle. So, I hope you might join us when we start registration. Warmly, Raelee
Hello Mamas!
I’m Wendy and I have been graciously invited by the wonderful and amazing Raelee(mama extraordinaire)to leave some information about a series I am offering that is in line with the above post. I have been Certified as an Aware Parenting Instructor by Aletha Solter and am offering a series called THE AWARE BABY CIRCLE based on this approach as well as 11 years of my own parenting experience. It is a Saturday Series event held at The Women’s Birth & Wellness Center starting this Saturday,January 16th, for 6 weeks.
It is for parents and their 6 week olds to beginning crawlers from 10:30-12:00. The fee is $75 for this series.
Feel free to contact me to register or for more information about this series or other services/classes/workshops/individual sessions I offer in my practice called THE AWARE PARENT.
Thanks so much and I look forward to connecting with all of you wanting to explore this amazing approach to parenting babies and young children.
Wendy
Phone:969-8626 or wlm1998@gmail.com