Get Rid of Preschooler Selfishness Once and For All

“We can never have a noble race of men until we have a noble race of mothers.” - Elbert Hubbard

Get Rid of Preschooler Selfishness Once and For All

3 October 2008 170 views 2 Comments

Yesterday, I took my 6 year old and 3 year old to a toy store to pick out a birthday present for my daughter’s friend. I’m always a bit challenged by this task.

The toys are so unappealing to me - the cheap plastic, ugly colors, and obnoxious noises. I wasn’t surprised that even my kids weren’t that impressed with the glam and glitz of the latest fads.

With no luck in the toy aisle, I suggested to my daughter that we check out the arts and crafts section. She was happy to explore the racks of project boxes.

All along I thought she was looking at the items with her friend in mind. Hmmmm…not so much.

I picked out a craft box - “How To Make Your Own Storybooks” and asked her if she thought her friend would enjoy something like that.

Immediately her face looked concerned and upset, “I like that! I want it.” Her whiney, demanding voice struck me. *My button slightly pushed, I remained calm.*

“Yes, it looks like a neat thing that I’m sure you would like. We’re buying a gift for Allie today, do you think Allie would like it?”

“But I want it!” Again, her face and her voice squinched and whiney.

“Well, we’re here because it’s Allie’s birthday. I want you to think about your friend and not about yourself right now. Let’s get this for Allie because the best way to know if something will make a good present for a friend is if it would also be something we would enjoy ourselves.”

Whew. I didn’t get frustrated or get too preachy. Teaching my daughter that the world doesn’t revolve around her is important to me and seems to be an every day parenting assignment.

Children are hardwired to think about themselves - that great Ego is fully developed.

Somehow I often see parents feel guilty if they should deny them something. Parents often give into their child’s demands and whines because there’s a part of us that equates love with giving. Unfortunately, giving them everything isn’t going to teach them the gifts of character like service to others, generosity, detachment, and contentment.

National surveys show most parents feel they’re raising selfish kids. Kids don’t arrive in this world with all the symptoms of the Big Brat Factor. Research shows that our children are born with the marvelous gift to care and be concerned about others. But unless we nurture those virtues, they will lie dormant. - Michele Borba, Author of Don’t Give Me That Attitude

If you want more practical steps to help your children be less selfish, definitely check-out this great article.

2 Comments »

Elizabeth said:

This is such a real and constant struggle! One thing that I try to do is make generosity a habit. For us that means that every time we bake bread (which we do with some regularity in the winter months) we give at least a 1/2 a loaf away. My daughter usually loves to help me make bread. As we are mixing the ingredients, we talk about who we might want to give some bread to this week. Then, we knead in our intentions and blessings for that person or family. Then, I try to make sure she is a part of actually giving the bread to the person. That is my goal every time we make bread. Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen because of logistical difficulties of getting the bread to the person since my husband usually needs the car to get to work in the winter. But, giving away bread is always my goal and we always talk about it. This winter I’ll just have to give it to my neighbors more often if we can’t get it to anyone else. They may be enjoying lots of bread this winter!

Thanks for this article that reminded my about this practice. I can’t wait to get started again and think of other ways to make thinking of others a habit.

# 6 October 2008 at 1:47 pm

Sally said:

My daughter is 3.5, and one thing we’ve implemented that has really helped us enjoy outings together is her “points system.” It’s sort of like an allowance, but isn’t measured in $$…She earns one point for doing things at home like unloading the silverware, and putting away her clean clothes in the appropriate drawers. She earned a point today on the playground when she consoled a girl who was feeling left out and lonely. She took her by the hand and said, “I’ll play with you!” It took a lot of observation skills and compassion on her part When we “study” writing the alphabet or counting in spanish, etc. she gets a point at the end of the lesson if she doesn’t give up and completes what we’ve begun. So, it’s a little random and at my discression, but the points add up and she knows when we go to the store how many points she has (It’s updated and displayed on the white board side of her easel.) This way when we shop for birthday gifts, groceries, or various sundries when she sees something she wants she asks if she has enough points to buy a treat that she has picked out. 2 points generally equals $1, but again that’s my discression. I think she responds so well to this because it isn’t arbetrary. Im not saying “no” for no reason. It also helps me because as she is the center of my world (see my next post ), this keeps me in check from buying her everything I see.

Re: “You’re not the center of the world.” This is true, my daughter is not the center of THE world, but she is the center of MY world, and Im not shy about who knows it. She quite literally saved my life and gave me a new appreciation and understanding of God. She is the light of my life. I do not feel like I “no longer exist” like I hear so many frazzled moms admit on the playground. I haven’t “disappeared behind her.” I am joyfully balanced (although it is a constant juggling act) between my own self care, needs and (most of) my wants AND her needs, happiness and security in the world.
I see different parenting styles working for different types of people, but honestly, I see nothing wrong with my daughter being the center of my world. She is kinder and MORE compassionate for it. She is moral in every sense of the word. IT’s a full time job, but I believe that raising our children with a strong sense of self-worth yields a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment. This will carry forward and get stronger with each generation.
One child at a time, I believe we have the power as intentional moms to make this world peaceful and balanced.

# 8 October 2008 at 8:31 pm