One of the most powerful ways you can shape your child’s behavior and bring out her best is to notice her character qualities and verbally acknowledge her positive actions.  More than likely you’ve been noticing your child’s good works for awhile now.  These are common ways we acknowledge our children when they comply with requests:

“Thanks, Emma, for helping mommy.”
“I like it when you put your toys away.”

As kind as these two acknowledgments sound, you may not realize that this sounds a lot like having to please you rather than focusing on the positive quality of your child.

Challenge yourself to acknowledge your child’s positive behavior without saying “thank you” or without saying “I like it when…”

So, you may be wondering what this new kind of acknowledgment sounds like when the pleasing part is removed.  Here are some examples from Linda Kavelin Popov’s Educator’s Guide…

How to Give a Virtues Acknowledgment

“I see your kindness in helping your brother put on his shoes, Emma.”
“I honor you for your service in the way you helped me set the table, Emma.”
“I acknowledge your honesty in the way you explained your side of the story and admitted that you took the toy first, Emma.”
“That showed a lot of courage when you told me the truth about having another cookie.”
“It was compassionate of you to help your sister wash the scrape on her knee.”
“You were being assertive when you told your friend you didn’t like that she was pushing you.”

How to Give Virtues Guidance

“I want you to be kind to your friends by using gentle hands and inside voices.”
“I want you to be patient while you wait for your turn by sitting quietly with your hands in your lap.”
“I want you to be helpful and pick up the crayons.”

How to Give a Virtues Correction

“Be kind to your brother by not teasing him but invite him to play too.”
“What would help you to cooperate with each other?”
“What would be a respectful way to say that?”
“Be truthful.”

This kind of language takes time and patience to learn. By noticing my kids a few times every hour, I find that I get a lot more cooperation and helpful behavior and less sibling squabbles. Give it a try and be sure to let me know what you notice from this new language experiment. This language can also be interesting with your spouse, friends, and even strangers! It’s rare these days that we verbally acknowledge others’ virtues.